Another Dream

I had a dream last night.
I was outside the seminary chapel, about to go in so I could set up for chapel.
When I opened the door, all the furniture was gone---no pews, no pulpits---nothing. Just an organ console in one back corner and a low platform in another. The ceiling was only eight feet, and the front wall was drywall, with tape and nails and stuff.

I felt awful, wondering what had happened and how I was going to put on worship in there without any of the furniture.

Then I was in the same room, only it was now a room in a large church, and I was a leader or assistant pastor of some sort. Now I was setting up the room as an overnight shelter for homeless people, with a bunch of friends and church members. We were putting mattresses out on the floor and finding sheets and pillows.

Then it became church members who were needing shelter, as if there had been a natural disaster. I was stepping around and over mattresses and supplies, talking to people, helping kids find their parents, and directing volunteers. It was busy and a little urgent feeling, but going okay. I felt very focussed and present, and only slightly frazzled. By then, I was the pastor in charge. I think I was male. You know how dreams are.

Some of the volunteers brought me some broken bits of baseboard with nails sticking out of them. They were water-stained and soggy. It meant that we had another (somehow I knew this) leak in the old building. I was too busy to worry about it just then. I went scouting for supplies for the people, thinking to keep an eye peeled for where the water was getting in.

I found Lisa H. Cooper up on a ladder with her head and shoulders up through the attic hatch. She was handing down historic church documents. I stopped to talk to her, and while we were talking, I distinctly heard the sounds of fire up in the attic. I asked her to look. She saw nothing. I listened some more, and there was a definite snapping and roaring sound like the attic was consumed in flames. I realised then that it was a premonition---that this was going to to be real very soon, and everone was in danger.

So I had to run and tell everyone to get out. I felt uncomfortably foolish, because there was no fire. But I did it anyway.

Soon the roof really was on fire and people were scurrying to safety. There was no smoke or heat, just the sound and the knowledge. I kept searching through the building, trying to find people to get them out. There were women in the kitchen, trying to save the pots and pans. I found a crippled lady and was trying to lift her. She was tall and hefty. I ended up having her grab around my neck, and I leaned forward until her feet cleared the floor, and I struggled outside with her that way. I was all bent forward, and she was heavy, and I was trying to navigate stairs and hurry....

I woke up, knowing that the church was going to burn to the ground, but that all the people would get out safely. I remember thinking that at least it solved the leak problem....

Preaching Like A Man

I just gave a great chapel talk in the shower. The question is, can I repeat it on Friday?
It's my turn to do chapel. It will be my first time to lead. I've led lots of worship services. It was my job as vice president of the church women's group. I guess I was allowed to do that because it was only women. The General Church (my childhood denomination) is coming up with more and more rules around women and worship. In one place, the Bishop has forbidden women to read aloud a sermon, even if a man has written it. In another, women are allowed to read from Swedenborg's writings, but not from the Old or New testaments.
Weird, if you ask me.
Primary school teachers have lead worship for the children for years in the schools.
Women have lead women at women's retreats and gatherings.
But now all these rules are being laid down.

As if we can't decide from our own consciences what is right.

So, tra-la! I'm leading chapel this Friday, because women do that equally with men here. Nobody has died yet, or rushed off into a craze, so far as I can tell. I'm watching carefully.

In the General Church there's this idea that a woman "who preaches like a man" will lose her femininity.
I wonder what that means? What does "preaching like a man" look like? There are lots of men I know that I wouldn't ever want to preach like. In fact, if preaching means, "I've got the truth and you'd better listen so you don't go to hell, and so all your wrong thinking can be improved," then that's the last thing I have any inclination to do. I'll give inspirational talks.

Maybe the church needs women who preach like women. For Balance!

In any case, Phil will be sure to let everybody know if I turn into a man.

Hmmm. Would that make us a homosexual couple? So, at that point, which would be more evil--- for us to get divorced, or to stay married?

Hmmmmm.

Deep Sadness. One Joy.

Missing the life we used to have very very very very very very very much today.
Belonging. Oneness of vision. Welcome to all.
Allowed to help with worship, and worship messages I could put my heart and soul into.
I miss the music.
I miss the priviledge.
So many of the moms are working outside the home now. We are all too tired to try to connect.

I'm too tired and disillusioned to try to build community in another church congregation.

Maybe it is time for another good, hard cry.

But---
I have been granted permission to present to my New Testament class on the book of Revelation, ala Swedenborg. It will count as 70% of my grade. I'm pretty excited. There is so much great artwork I can access.

Well, I'm not actually excited today. I'm too sad. But I know intellectually that it excites me, and it will pump me up once I'm through this blue patch.

Sheesh. In my next incarnation, I'm going to have no hormones, and live where there is no winter.

Yup.

Blah, Blah, Blah

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Sometimes, all the talking, all the reading, all the thinking, all the theories are just so much chaff.

I want to feel at home again.

I'm reading a book about Paul for one of my courses. It is interesting to see what people who read Paul argue about, but it's feeling tiresome today. It's extraneous. I don't read Paul. Paul is not canon for Swedenborgians.

(Hey, is it called "canon" because we often use it to blast people?)

Blah, blah, blah.

Weird Winter

It has been a weird winter. Usually by now I'm pretty sick of the bitter cold and dryness, and the grey-white chalky film all over the cars and roads.
But it has been ridiculously mild. We've had several days when I didn't need to do up my coat, and even a few when I didn't need a coat at all. I've barely needed my boots. It keeps raining and washing things clean and melting the snow.

It seems like all the seasons are skewed.
I've heard it said that global warming will not simply warm things up, but cause wild swings in temperature and more frequent storms. More floods, more extremes.

Well, if this really is our fault, eventually we're going to have to look at it....

I'm often encouraged by the return of the light this time of year. I try to take heart from it. It is still (supposedly) getting colder, yet the darkest time is well past and it is brighter every day. Of course, we can't tell that when it is relentlessly overcast. But I certainly noticed this morning how light it was when I got up. Bright sun this morning. I felt almost perky.

Many folks love the seasons. They come and go and come and go.... It is so strange that the hottest days are well after the longest day---when the earth is already turning away---and the coldest days are well after the shortest day---when the earth is already turning back.
The heat and light are out of synch.

I'm sure there's a metaphor in there somewhere.

Accepted

Well, I heard from the head of the ministerial candidates selection committee that my "vision" has been accepted! That means, they liked my introductory letter, so I am now an official applicant. Ha-ha. I still have a ways to go before I am "endorsed," which means they tell the Lutheran seminary that they like me. The seminary requires that we have the verbal backing of a denomination by the end of the first year.

Meanwhile, winter is having its usual effect on my spirit. I want to curl up and sleep. I have very little excitement or motivation. I tend to want to stay home and wait for another day. I just don't feel like pursuing dreams. I've forgotton why I was excited and hopeful. I'm not technically depressed. I'm not down. I just have zero creativity or ambition or initiative.

It's a lucky thing I am only taking three classes.

Even More Boxes. . . .

Old testament laws! At the end of last term, my old Testament Professor said something that I can't stop thinking about.

I found it highly metaphoric.

When you look at all the laws about leprosy and what animals are clean and when people are and aren't clean....
It is about keeping things in their boxes. "Unclean" doesn't necessarily mean "bad," it has more of a connotation of the "secular," that is, not appropriate to be near holy things. Holy HAD to be kept separate from secular. "Appropriate" had to be kept clearly separate from "inappropriate."
There were also elaborate rituals to recognize and sanctify moving from one box to the other, such as the ritual cleansing of a woman after her period, and the ritual dedication of a house after it has been cured of leprosy.

Leprosy? How can a house have leprosy?
She said that "leprosy" was what they called any compromise of a boundary. Scaly skin, and a flaking and peeling plaster or daub wall surface---all was lumped under "leprosy." There is a huge body of laws all around the detection and diagnosis of "leprosy," and elaborate rituals around either the restoring of "integrity" or the cutting off of the leprous person or thing.

Judgments about skin conditions on holy terms.

She says, all the animals that don't "fit" their stereotype---all the animals that are different, are considered unclean. Fish are supposed to have scales, so what the heck is an eel? Ew! Unclean.
Animals that chew the cud should also have cloven hoofs, etc. Weird things, different things---stay away from them!
It reminds me of schoolyard socialization rules. Goodness and badness is decided based on looking right and acting right. Kids are excluded for being chubby or having glasses, or being ethnically different.....
Sure, Swedenborgian exegetical theory says that these laws are there because they correspond to internal laws, and really have little to do with animals and houses. But I bet they are also written the way they are written because THAT IS WHAT WE DO. Our first ideas of sacred vs. dangerous are this primitive. Some of us never move past this type of categorization that is skin-deep.

I had never, ever looked at the laws this way. It seems remarkably descriptive of the human condition and primitive spirituality.

"Never Quite at Home Again"

Another thing the professor counseled me on is in dealing with the pain of the loss of my childhood affiliation. He, too, was raised in a very conservative church. He, too, found himself realizing his "bottom line" and needing to seek a new affiliation that suited his inner church better.

He said, "The thing is, when you are raised in a church, especially the way you were raised, it takes a long time to find a new place to belong. There are lots of good people and good institutions, and eventually you will find some place that is a really good fit. But the truth is, you will never quite feel completely at home again. Every once in a while something will happen, and you will remember, and you will miss what you used to know. There are some things I really miss."
He shrugged. "It's just the way it is."

It was strangely comforting. It helps to know that he knows what it is like.

My Bottom Line

I went to the Christian Doctrine Professor here at the seminary for some help and advice.
He was terrific---a good listener, and just enough questions to guide me to find my way.
One thing he asked me was, "What is your bottom line?"
I asked, "What? In relation to my marriage? my career? my church? my family?"
He nodded gently and said, "Yes."

I really need to think about that. What are my non-negotiables? And what does it mean if I smack into one? Life in relationship always involves compromise, but there are some things that we cannot compromise on. Every organization and every person has good and bad things about them (it? ... him? her?...) Some things we are willing to overlook; some we are not.

It would take A WHOLE LOT to bring me to a state of complete inability to continue in my marriage. There is so very much that is good about it. How does one decide when to amputate?
Sometimes that decision has to be made.
I'm not there yet. Professor Kelly helped me see, through his questions, that I'm not there yet.

But I sure am aware of how possible it is for someone to continue along for years in an ailing marriage, because "amputation" is so unthinkable. And there's always that hope that it will get better.... Like a carrot....

In relationship to my church of origin, I think I have hit my non-negotiables.
I can not trust or respect a church that doesn't trust and respect me. My church home MUST value women equally with men to be trustworthy and balanced in my eyes. It mustn't use revelation to justify repression and call it, "God's plan." It must have a view of people as human---in God's image---FIRST and as gendered second, if at all.

I believe that committed monogamy is pschologically and socially beneficial, and that promiscuity is a symptom of inner unhappiness and the inability to be truly intimate, and that it is spiritually and psychologically hurtful. So I have no problem with homosexual committed long-term relationships. I believe churches need to welcome PEOPLE, and it is none of our business what their orientation is. A church that does not welcome (identified) homosexuals unless they "look" normal and profess that they are innately wrong and need to be cured, is not a church where I belong.

My bottom line.

Sarx

Marriage.
It's amazing how much the state of my marriage affects my morale on every level. I figured out awhile ago that I am mostly powerless over how my marriage is. I can be doing "everything right" (in my mind) and still have everything go wrong. It takes two, and it takes two with a relatively common vision. And one or two moments of idiocy can devastate trust for years.
Our marriage took another hit two weeks ago that really staggered my faith in it's viability.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

So it's tough to know if my current malaise is winter blah's or denying myself sugar and white bread, or school-fatigue, or marriage-despair. Probably it is all of the above.
Last week, my psychiatrist listed for me all the things I have been through lately and all the things I am still dealing with....
It made me wonder why I am still coherent and wearing matching socks.

(Oh yeah! Latest greek word: "sarx." My definition: "The things you keep in the same drawer as your underwear.")

So, the blog has been quiet. I didn't feel like typing "WAAAAAAHHH!!!" *sniff* every day.

But I got all "A"s for Fall semester.....
SOMEBODY loves me.