Today I'm feeling the rage. I REALLY don't want to, but it is time. It started as a big cry in response
to some small invalidations---as usual, I hid in my room, and sobbed and rocked and used up large quantities of Kleenex---then I curled up under the blankets and shook and shuddered and whimpered, until I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I showered, all the while feeling intense rage at all the invalidations and dismissals and the marginalization that has been the story of the first half of my life. I was arguing out-loud in the shower with various people, saying what I need to say to them and wishing they could hear me.
By "wishing they could hear me" I mean something much bigger than "what I was
saying at that moment in the shower." Even if the words crossed their ears, my experience to date is that they could not hear me. In fact, historically, when I have attempted to express the feelings of invalidation, dismissal, victimization, and hurt, what I get in response is further invalidation and dismissal. I hear how my experience is wrong, my feelings are wrong, and certainly that expressing anger is wrong---correction---simply
experiencing anger is wrong. I hear about the feelings I
should feel, and perhaps an edifying story about somebody feeling the
right sort of feeling in a similar situation.
When that doesn't work, I then am subjected to an analysis of my internal state, judgment upon it, and dismissal on those grounds, something like: "You just want power, (You are selfish an
d controlling)" or, "You just want attention, (you are selfish and childish)" or, "You're just angry, (simply experiencing anger is cause for dismissal)." "Go to your room and come out when you can be nice."
Folks who know about good counseling practice are probably wincing. Anyone with basic psychology knows not to invalidate feelings. Feelings are not for invalidating. There is no point in invalidating another's feelings unless one wishes to invalidate the other
person, control their inner reality (impossible), or make the expression of their uncomfortable feeling stop (possible, and hurtful to the relationship.) If the controller is in a position of power over th
e other, such as parent/child, the invalidation of the feelings and the blocking of the expression damages the child's ability to trust his or her own perceptions, and tells the child that the parent's reality is more valid than the child's. It also teaches that blocking expression of the emotion is an appropriate and healthy way to deal with an emotion---which is false. All of these messages and this power dynamic is hurtful to both parties and hurtful to either in developing healthy relationships.
I can't even communicate that invalidating my feelings is part of the problem, because I simply get my feelings and my reality invalidated in response.
It a vicious circle. Then I am criticized for withdrawing and ceasing to engage.
It is insanity. And the thing about feelings are: invalidating and refusing to hear or acknowledge them
intensifies their need to be heard. They will not settle down until they are genuinely heard, not just heard, but
validated. This is my experience again and again, both in my own emotional life and in counseling and being present with other hurting souls.
It is also believed and taught in counseling schools and in relationship therapy.
And last but not least, anger is appropriate when someone is abused. Period.
At least one therapist I know believes that it is
always appropriate. Anger simply is. It is a normal, healthy response to violation. If anger is present, violation or the perception of violation has occurred, period. We're just so stinking afraid of anger. Even yelling frightens us, let alone inappropriate and hurtful expressions of anger. But we confuse the emotion with the damaging expressions of it. There is a huge distinction.
I am feeling deep, deep, ancient rage. I am handling it by shaking, crying, hitting things (like couch cushions) and writing about my feelings.
There is absolutely appropriate and non-harmful ways to process rage. Rage is not the problem! This rage is valid and current as well as tapping into decades of suppressed hurt and invalidation. Perhaps it is the
decades of suppression that is the problem, not the rage.
I am so stinking angry that the ones who ought to have loved me as is, couldn't. I am so
ANGRY that I was shoved into a tiny box because I was a girl, and have been shamed for climbing out.
I was so profoundly angry that I was spiritually abandoned, AND THEN told it was
my fault. God!
I AM ANGRY! OF COURSE I AM ANGRY! DUH!
