Sunday, June 21, 2015

Encountering the Divine - June 21

 “Encountering the Divine”
Rev. Alison Longstaff, June 21, 2015
Bath Church of the New Jerusalem
Exodus 3: 1-7, 10, 13-14; Matthew 17:1-8; AR 56

Many pastors across this country are preaching about racism today as the United States reels from yet another violent slaughter.  Here I am, a white pastor in front of a white congregation in a very white town in one of the top four whitest states in this country.  It is easy to feel removed from the racism and violence, as if it is somehow someone else’s problem somewhere else.

But if we could imagine such a thing happening here, perhaps it might help us to pause and to walk beside the Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church in sorrow and empathy.  The black populations of this country live with the daily possibility of such violence in a way most of us (all of us?) here simply cannot imagine.  So sit for a minute and be with the possibility.  Imagine a visitor coming to worship with us, and we welcome him, and he spends time with us. Then this visitor pulls out a gun and shoots nine of us dead right there in front of our eyes. Go ahead. Look around. Pick a random nine. One would be me, because the pastor was killed.  Which other eight? These loved people can’t be dead just as a concept, imagine their bodies slumped where they were sitting, their blood splattered on the walls.  I’m sorry.  But there’s no polite way to go there.

Please, just sit with that for a moment. How enraged and vengeful would you feel?  Could you forgive the shooter within days?  Whatever your emotions, let us all take a moment to surround the whole Charleston, South Carolina community with love and empathy.

I will now continue with the sermon I did write, and pray that the miracle of God’s encompassing love can bring some insight and healing to the helplessness and pain of that event.

“He put His hand on me saying, ‘Do not be afraid.’” This symbolizes spiritual encouragement, and then, because of deep humility, profound adoration. Genuine holy fear comes over us when the Lords life encompasses us, pushing aside our feelings of being in charge. Such an experience can cause an inner trembling and even our hair to stand on end. When we are full of our own sense of life (being in charge), we look at the Lord from our own perspective. But when we are filled with the Lord’s life, we see all things from the Lord’s perspective, (yet somehow retaining a sense of separateness). When we are so encompassed by the Lord’s life, we realize that we are nothing, and that the Lord is everything. (Emanuel Swedenborg, Apocalypse Revealed #56)

The (false) suspicion that we can somehow be separated from God is the root of every form of anxiety in the universe, and the cure for it … is the knowledge that nothing can tear us from God, ever.” (Eben Alexander, “Proof of Heaven” p 76)

Would you say you have ever had an encounter with the Divine?

If you have, how did it affect you?

My very first class in seminary was “Christian Doctrine.”  It was required for my degree so I had to take it despite being sure, as a (young and arrogant) Swedenborgian, I had a thing or two to teach the professor but very little to learn from him.  I was wrong.

We had to write a four page paper every other week for Professor Kelly.  The course was two semesters long, so we ended up with twelve papers, the final one being, “Why Am I Christian?”  After we handed in each paper, we divided into groups to read and discuss our papers with each other.  I learned and learned and learned.

When discussing, “Why Christian?” it turned out that all three of us in our group were Christian because we had experienced what I can only call a “Divine Encounter.”  Each one of us not only was Christian but was in seminary because we had had a transcendent experience that left us changed, and left us longing for more.

When our small groups returned to the main classroom I began a quick survey of how many other classmates were in seminary for the same reason. Of over twenty-five students in the class, about ninety percent named some sort of Divine encounter as their main reason for being there. It was an epiphany.  I realized that I was not alone. 

When I was thirteen something profound and life altering happened to me, but I rarely speak of it.  It is a sacred memory still, and feels private.  I share the story rarely, and only when it feels safe and worthwhile. 

I was going through some very hard and lonely things.  It was the middle of the night and I was weeping and praying, when suddenly I was in the presence of something wise and loving and powerful beyond imagining. I knew without doubt that I was utterly loved, completely understood, and that every single thing would be okay.  I could see in some unimaginable way how everything would work out, and it all made sense. I felt “the peace that surpasses all understanding.”  And ever since that moment forty years ago I have longed to encounter that Presence again. I also felt completely clear that there was nothing more important than to serve that Presence and help others find it too. 

Many people who have had such experiences have tried to describe it, and they all end up saying that our earthly language is utterly inadequate. And yet we cannot but try to put words on these experiences anyway. My heart shouts with joy and recognition whenever I find these attempts.  I recognize the experience, and it is like hearing a deeply familiar description of a beloved but long-lost friend.

Neurosurgeon Eben Alexander writes about his encounter with the Divine in his memoir, “Proof of Heaven.” 

… the “voice” of this Being was warm and—odd as I know this may sound—personal. It understood humans, and it possessed the qualities we possess, only in infinitely greater measure. It knew me deeply and overflowed with qualities that all my life I’ve always associated with human beings, and human beings alone: warmth, compassion, pathos . . . even irony and humor.” (p 47)

I absolutely know and absolutely love that God has a great sense of humor.

Renowned life coach and frequent Oprah contributor, Martha Beck, writes with her own humor and candor about her several profound spiritual experiences:

If there were a drug that could reproduce the same effect, I would be on that drug right now, and damn the side effects. Imagine a blend of all your favorite things…. Picture these … combined, boiled down into their most concentrated elements of pure joy, then multiplied by trillions and injected into every one of your cells. That might begin to help you imagine what I felt when the sense of Something Bigger emerged in the hurricane’s eye of my life…. The peace and joy were so dazzling, so potent, that I thought they would never fade.” (Leaving the Saints, p 26)

Is it any wonder prophets and angels fall prostrate before this Being?  It isn’t fear that throws one down, it is adoration and genuine humility.  One is swept away by love, encompassed by peace, and able to comprehend the answer to every single “why” ever asked.  Remember this the next time you hear an account of someone falling on their face in “fear” before an angel of the Lord.  Perhaps they are actually afraid.  But just maybe it is an entirely sensible response to finding oneself in the presence of the Source of all Love and Wisdom. The overwhelming sense of great love and care tends to result in worshipful adoration.

There are more marvelous descriptions of these spiritual encounters.  Here is another from Eben Alexander:

Communicating with God is the most extraordinary experience imaginable, yet at the same time it’s the most natural one of all, because God is present in us at all times. Omniscient, omnipotent, personal—and loving us without conditions. (p 161)

Alexander sums up the Divine One’s message to every one of us this way: “You are loved and cherished. You have nothing to fear. There is nothing you can do wrong.” (p 71)
 
The first time I read this, I found myself abruptly sobbing. I think it was the sense of recognition, and the deep homesickness for that Presence.  But it was also relief.  Though I have known this truth; though I have experienced this truth; I continue to find myself unable to believe it.

This message of unconditional love is available to each one of us at every moment.  It is we who are unable to hear it—we who are unable to believe it.  I am not even sure this inability is our fault.  It is as if the nature of these bodies dulls our spiritual senses—the density of this physical plane produces heavy static on our spiritual tuners.  But for whatever reason, probably connected with Providence and our freedom, most of us miss the message most of the time.  If I could find the frequency of that Divine Being again, I would do everything in my power to stay tuned in as long as possible.  There is a deep longing to feel that Presence again that has never gone away. This residual longing seems to be a universal legacy of a Divine Encounter.

Accounts of an encounter with God are everywhere, if one is open to finding them.  This is another description from Eben Alexander:

… the answer came instantly in an explosion of light, color, love, and beauty that blew through me like a crashing wave. Thoughts entered me directly. But it wasn’t thought like we experience on earth. It wasn’t vague, immaterial, or abstract. These thoughts were solid and immediate—hotter than fire and wetter than water—and as I received them I was able to instantly and effortlessly understand concepts that would have taken me years to fully grasp in my earthly life. (p 46)

A sense of being deeply loved.  A sense of being completely safe.  Every horrific injustice is made right and everything ever lost is restored for all time.  “No more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, nor any more pain.” (Revelation 21:4)

“You are loved and cherished. You have nothing to fear. There is nothing you can do wrong.”  

Have you had a Divine Encounter?  How did it leave you changed? 
Amen

The Readings
Exodus 3: 1-7, 10, 13-14
Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian. And he led the flock to the back of the desert, and came to Horeb, the mountain of God.  And the Angel of the Lord appeared to him in a flame of fire from the midst of a bush. So he looked, and behold, the bush was burning with fire, but the bush was not consumed.  Then Moses said, “I will now turn aside and see this great sight, why the bush does not burn.”
So when the Lord saw that he turned aside to look, God called to him from the midst of the bush and said, “Moses, Moses!”
And he said, “Here I am.”
Then He said, “Do not draw near this place. Take your sandals off your feet, for the place where you stand is holy ground.” 6 Moreover He said, “I am the God of your father—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” And Moses hid his face, for he was afraid to look upon God.
And the Lord said: “I have surely seen the oppression of My people who are in Egypt, and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters, for I know their sorrows.  Come now, therefore, and I will send you to Pharaoh that you may bring My people, the children of Israel, out of Egypt.”
Then Moses said to God, “Indeed, when I come to the children of Israel and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they say to me, ‘What is His name?’ what shall I say to them?”
And God said to Moses, “I AM the I AM.” 

Matthew 17:1-8 
Now after six days Jesus took Peter, James, and John his brother, led them up on a high mountain by themselves; and He was transfigured before them. His face shone like the sun, and His clothes became as white as the light.  And behold, Moses and Elijah appeared to them, talking with Him.  Then Peter answered and said to Jesus, “Lord, it is good for us to be here; if You wish, let us make here three tabernacles: one for You, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.”
While he was still speaking, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them; and suddenly a voice came out of the cloud, saying, “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. Hear Him!”  And when the disciples heard it, they fell on their faces and were greatly afraid.  But Jesus came and touched them and said, “Arise, and do not be afraid.” When they had lifted up their eyes, they saw no one but Jesus only.

Apocalypse Revealed 56
“He put His hand on me saying, ‘Do not be afraid.’” This symbolizes spiritual encouragement, and a resultant profound adoration from deep humility. Genuine holy fear comes over us when the Lords life encompasses us, pushing aside our feelings of being in charge. Such an experience can cause an inner trembling and even our hair to stand on end. When we are full of our own sense of life (being in charge), we look at the Lord from our own perspective. But when we are filled with the Lord’s life, we see all things from the Lord’s perspective, (yet somehow retaining a sense of separateness). When we are so encompassed by the Lord’s life, we realize that we are nothing, and that the Lord is everything. 

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Fear Not - sermon for June 14

Today we welcomed new members, celebrated communion, celebrated "New Church" day, and celebrated the end of the Sunday School year with a pageant.  It took a few minutes extra, but we managed it!
This comes to you with blessings and love.

“Fear Not”

Rev. Alison Longstaff, June 14, 2015
Bath Church of the New Jerusalem
Psalm 27:1-5; Revelation 1:12-19; Apocalypse Explained 431:6


Apocalypse Explained 431:6

“The New Jerusalem” does not mean a new earthly city called “Jerusalem,” nor does its “wall and gates” mean a physical wall and gates, nor do “the twelve tribes and apostles” mean the actual original twelve tribes and apostles. Something completely different is meant by each one of these things. “The New Jerusalem” means a new spirituality with a new understanding; “angels,” “tribes,” and “apostles” mean all the ways humanity will increase in benevolence and mutual understanding, and live from principles that are both deeply wise and deeply compassionate.

Today we will be welcoming two new people into this congregation—two terrific people who are choosing to walk beside us and with us here at Bath Church of the New Jerusalem. Robin and Rick are honoring us by making this commitment.

One reason so many people no longer attend any church is because they have been hurt or disappointed by a religious community in the past. To choose to try again when one has been hurt in the past takes courage, and I stand in honor of anyone who makes such a choice.

Robin and Rick, I cannot promise you that you will never feel hurt or disappointed at some point as you walk with us here. I can only pray that we as a community can walk with courage and compassion through the hurts together, so that we may keep healing and growing as a spiritual family.

To quote (the fictional) Father Timothy Cavanaugh (from At Home in Mitford by Jan Karon), “My friend, if you keep your eyes on Christians, you will be disappointed every day of your life. Your hope is to keep your eyes on Christ.”

We sometimes mistakenly expect perfection from each other just because we are a church. At such times I implore us all to remember that we are a community bounded by our need for God in our lives, not because in any way we have already arrived at some kind of special status.

It takes courage to break into a long-standing tradition such as this congregation represents.  And it takes courage on the part of those who have been running things for many years to step aside and allow new energies in, because new energies mean change.  So I commend all of us for not allowing fear to run the show.
           
Today we are also celebrating “June 19th” or “The New Church’s birthday.”  We typically have a pageant featuring some story from the Book of Revelation, because Swedenborgians see the book of Revelation as a metaphor about the spiritual temptations that we go through on the way to heaven. A whole lot of people find the Book of Revelation scary. So today, I am going to talk about fear. I am especially going to talk about fear in relation to religion and God.

Looking in the Hebrew and Greek Bibles, one important thing to notice is that every time an angel of the Lord shows up with a message for someone, the very, very first thing he or she says is . . .

“Fear Not.”

The first thing said is: “Fear Not.” Sometimes it is worded “Do Not be Afraid,” but the message is the same. “Fear Not.” The angel brings these opening words of comfort to Hagar, to Isaac, to Rachel, to Jacob, to the People of Israel, to Moses, to Joshua, to Gideon, to Daniel, to Joseph, to Mary, to Zacharias, to the women at the tomb, and last but not least, to John on the isle of Patmos. As well as these 14 direct words of comfort, the followers of the Lord frequently say it to each other; Moses, Joshua, and the prophets say it to the children of Israel; and Jesus speaks these words of reassurance to the disciples and to the man whose daughter was dying.

In the Word, the first thing said is pivotal. It sets the tone. It shapes the entire rest of the message. Maybe we should pay attention to this, “Fear not.”

Why would “Fear not” be the first thing God would communicate to us? After all, won’t we all become lazy, selfish lumps if we’re not afraid? If we get too relaxed about our salvation, isn’t it possible we might miss the boat? Didn’t God also say in Psalm 111, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”? ( vs.10).

Well, yes and no.

You see, the fear of the Lord, spoken of in the Psalms is not the anxious, grovelling uneasiness we often think of when we hear the word, “fear.” The “fear” in the Psalms isn’t fear at all in that sense of the word. The “fear of the Lord” spoken of in Psalm 111 is a deep respect and reverence for the Lord born of deep love. And that sort of “fear” we do indeed want.

When the Word says, “Fear not,” it is calling us to release any grovelling, cowering, “please don’t hit me!” kind of fear. The Lord is not the angry, judgmental God we “fear” He is. He doesn’t want us to be cowering and grovelling and afraid of the Divine. He says, “Fear Not!” And, coming from the Lord, these words say a thousand more things too.

God speaks to us the words, “Fear Not,” but knows that we will often still feel afraid anyway, or at least mildly uneasy. We can’t change our feelings on demand simply by force of will. We might change feelings over time by changing our perspective, but mostly, feelings just are. Therefore, maybe these words from the Lord are not a command, “Thou shalt not fear! (and if you do, I will judge you)” but a reminder. God is reminding us that, though we may still experience fear, we do well to remember that the omnipotent, omniscient, benevolent God of the whole universe has things well in hand, all the way down to the hairs of our head.

It is a reminder to hold before our eyes: “Fear Not,” because God is in charge!

“Fear Not” can also be a promise. When God says, “Fear Not,” He is giving us a promise that some day, if we persevere along the path of spiritual growth, we will stop being afraid. Eventually, when we reach the spiritual state described as the Holy City, we will never truly fear anything again. We will know all is well, and feel only immense love.

So then the words “Fear Not” are a reminder and a promise. And there’s more.
           
The dragon and the harlot of Babylon in Revelation symbolize two unhealthy ways of doing religion. We all tend toward one or the other by nature, and these show what they can do to our lives if we let them get out of hand. These two unhealthy ways are the “Ideas Alone” approach (dragon) and the “sheer self-determination, I’ll just try hard enough” approach (works).  It is no coincidence that the tower of Babel (Babylon) is a story about humans trying to climb up to heaven by their own power.

These two unbalanced approaches are actually two sides of the same coin found within each of us. Where you find one, the other is not far away. They don’t actually compete with each other, they mirror and balance each other in a dysfunctional sort of way. In fact, in Rev. 19, the harlot of Babylon is seen riding the dragon. But the answer is not to find a middle ground between them, we need a shift to a higher order of unity in ourselves. We don’t want a dragon and whore married inside us (arrogance and control)—we want a bridegroom and bride (wisdom and love.)

A recent poll discerned whether people in any given congregation believed salvation was due more to our personal effort (works-based) or due to believing the right stuff regardless of effort (belief-based). What they discovered was that in any given congregation, no matter what denomination, the people tended to fall along a 50/50 or 60/40 split in their view of salvation. This study did not ask people directly what they thought they believed about salvation.  Instead it asked people to judge and assign responsibility or merit given certain hypothetical scenarios—a much more accurate way to measure what they actually believed. 

It looks as though all of us have a tendency to lean one way or the other in our approach to religion no matter what our denomination may teach.  We worry a lot and can’t do enough and feel a lot of guilt OR we live in our heads and rationalize everything and hold an aloofness from the feeling and doing side (response-ability) of life. (They sound a bit like Virginia Satir's coping mechanisms.)

This also reminds me that just because Swedenborg said the “new church” will have a perfect balance (represented by the Holy City), people who like to call themselves “New Church” (lots of Swedenborgians identify this way) are mistaken to think they automatically have that internal marriage by virtue of joining the external club. Every one of us on this planet has the same path to walk, and the Lord doesn’t play favorites. No one is a Navy Seal by virtue of calling themselves “a Navy Seal.” And no one is “New Church” just because they might call themselves “New Church.” You have to let yourself be changed.  You have to wake up and “do the work” which involves learning and humility and honesty.  It involves letting God work in your spirit while letting go—which often feels like hard work and sometimes feels too easy.

Now, having said that we all lean toward one spiritual imbalance or another, should it worry us that we tend subconsciously to lean more towards “ideas will get me there” or towards “sheer determination will get me there”? Not at all. In fact, the process described in Revelation through all the scary imagery is the process of how this imbalance gets corrected for us (and how apocalyptic this process can sometimes look and feel). The things that die or are cast down in the story aren’t you and me or anyone we love, they are broken and dysfunctional parts of us. Those things will be cast down as we are ready to be lifted up.

The Lord can and does and always will do everything He can to help you and me and every one of us rise up from our divided internal state into the heavenly marriage. He knows how we are made! He formed each one of us in the womb. He doesn’t expect perfection today or even any time soon. He doesn’t judge us for being tiny, imperfect, stumbling newbies at this whole regeneration thing. In fact, in His eyes, we are precious beyond compare. And He knows just how to lead each one of us. We need to be open to Him.

The Book of Revelation is written the way it is, not as a warning, but as a reassuring description of what the final stages of personal regeneration can look like. Yes, this process can look and feel like the stars are falling and everything we rely on and trust in are in flaming ruins. But God says, “Fear Not.” Perhaps this is why the birth process for our race looks so messy, dramatic, and well, frightening to the uninitiated. If you ask a new father, he might talk of blood and screaming, and the woman in labor might talk of pain and even sometimes wanting to die. But if you ask a midwife, she will tell you that the birth of a child is the most beautiful thing on the whole earth.

So, which one is telling the truth about the birth of a new human being?

The Book of Revelation describes the last final push—the moment of transition from a previous, incomplete spiritual state to a whole new, triumphant reality. And just about anyone associated with the human birth process will tell you that the phase called “transition” is the hardest and most apparently “out of control” or “chaotic” phase there is. The Last Judgement in the Word is describing a final transition in our spiritual rebirth.

And any spiritual midwife worth his or her salt will tell you, “Fear Not,” no matter how melodramatic the process feels to us. The spiritual soul in labor might not feel so sure at that moment, but that’s okay. All of it, ALL OF IT, is okay. This is simply what the process looks like for us messy beings—cataclysmic, earth-shattering, and beautiful beyond our wildest dreams.

So, “Fear Not.”

After all, we were born to become angels, so what have we to fear? And if you think about it, fear is the actual opposite of love. It isn’t hatred, it is fear that closes us off from loving others. “Hate” is simply one face of fear—fear of pain, fear of lost love, fear of all things that have hurt us in the past. So “Fear Not” is another way of saying “remember love.”

“Fear not,” says God. “Trust me.” “Choose love,” says God. “I’ve got you.” “Fear Not.”

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” (Luke 12:6-7)  Amen

Revised from a sermon originally preached November 4th, 2007 Pretty Prairie Kansas

Readings:
Psalm 27: 1-5
The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?
When the wicked came against me To eat up my flesh, My enemies and foes,
They stumbled and fell.
Though an army may encamp against me, My heart shall not fear;
Though war may rise against me, I will be confident.
One thing I have desired of the Lord,
That will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord All the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord, And to inquire in His temple.
For in the time of trouble He shall hide me in His pavilion;
In the secret place of His tabernacle He shall hide me;
He shall set me high upon a rock.

Revelation 1:12-18
Then I turned to see the voice that spoke with me. And having turned I saw seven golden lampstands, and in the midst of the seven lampstands One like the Son of Man, clothed with a garment down to the feet and girded about the chest with a golden band. His head and hair were white like wool, as white as snow, and His eyes like a flame of fire; His feet were like fine brass, as if refined in a furnace, and His voice as the sound of many waters; He had in His right hand seven stars, out of His mouth went a sharp two-edged sword, and His countenance was like the sun shining in its strength. And when I saw Him, I fell at His feet as dead. But He laid His right hand on me, saying to me, “Do not be afraid; I am the First and the Last. I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore. Amen.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Between You and Heaven - approximately what I preached today....

For whatever reason, the sermon simply wouldn't gel this week.  I kept tossing out what I had and trying another angle, only to feel dissatisfied with what was showing up on the page.  I felt strangely non-anxious.  I was revising my notes right up until 9:45, then just brought what I had and trusted the spirit.  It went quite well.  Here is approximately what I said.


“Between You and Heaven”


Rev. Alison Longstaff, June 7, 2015
Bath Church of the New Jerusalem
Zephaniah 3: 14-17; Matthew 16:24-29; DP 320

If we were to believe, as is the truth, that all goodness and truth come from the Lord, and all evil and falsity come from hell, we would not take credit for any goodness, nor condemn ourselves for any evil. 
Emanuel Swedenborg, The Divine Providence, portions of #320

“It is very hard to be truly intimate when we are in some way feeling flawed or deficient.”
Tara Brach

The thing that stands between you and heaven is your own self-judgment.

Let me say that again.

The thing that stands between you and heaven is your own self-judgment.

Heaven involves true authenticity which leads to true intimacy.  All self-loathing is a block to intimacy.

We tend to assume that someone is prideful and stuck on themselves and “thinks they are better than us.” Or we might assume someone hates themselves, and is too hard on themselves, and has no self-esteem.  But these are two faces of the same disease.  Anyone who seems to be narcissistic or superior or full of pride and snobbery is covering themselves with a thick defense mechanism to protect themselves from feeling their terror of being worthless.  

There is a belief and fear deep inside every one of us that somehow we are utterly unlovable.  John Bradshaw calls this “toxic shame.”  Regular shame includes regret over a word or deed or thought we may have experienced.  Toxic shame is the deep core belief that that somehow, something about our very selves is unlovable or is innately too evil to ever deserve love and belonging.

We are born into this imbalance.  We will tend to rush from one extreme to the other, finding difficulty holding a middle ground that enables us to be present with our faults without shame while being comfortable with our gifts without attaching superiority to them.  

Often those who are attracted to churches who have "The Truth" and who set themselves as "being right" over against everyone else's wrongness are those who need to attach themselves to something “perfect” because another part of them feels so utterly worthless.

I remember counseling a woman who belonged to such a church, and who was married to a controlling man, and who had seen enough traumas to be far less functional that she actually was.

She spent a lot of her time blaming her husband for her unhappiness, and asserting that if he would only change, she could be happy.  I listened and reflected and nudged her towards seeing the way she was contributing to the dynamic.  There was a moment when she hung in the space of realization that she had some responsibility….  And from that point she plunged into utter self-loathing.  

She had no space or inner middle ground between being a martyr or being utterly worthless.  It was as if her emotional muscles around her worth were either completely contracted or completely lax, with no ability to hold an even, moderate tension.  Imagine asking someone to walk who can only clench every muscle in their legs or completely relax every muscle, and nothing else.  I realized then how much work was ahead for her to develop the ability to stand in a space where she was neither pure victim nor deserving of annihilation. 

This moment with this woman was one of deep learning for me.  I was looking at what a lifetime of abuse can do to a soul, and also what black and white thinking can do to a soul.  In her mind, either she was all good or all evil.  And the minute she considered that she might be in error in some small way, every aspect of her self-worth collapsed and she believed she was worthy only of the lowest hell.

Until she was supported in building up a place to see herself as neither all good nor all evil, she would be unable to do self-reflection.  She would be unable to observe herself with curiosity and compassion. How could she stand to recognize where she was in error, and then commit to changing her part in any problem, when her inner sense of terror and self-loathing would launch her into raging inner cruelty the minute she recognized a fault?

Underneath her veneer of her own virtue and martyrdom, was a terrified, abused little girl who was sure she was utterly worthless.

There is a law in the universe that is the mirror of the Golden Rule, and it is this: "We give out to others what we tend to give to ourselves."  Anyone who is a verbally critical person and who puts on a show of being perfect themselves, is living with an equally harsh inner dialogue.  The need for their veneer of perfection is precisely because of that relentless, running, inner abuse.

When we are too harsh with ourselves we get judgmental, we martyr ourselves, we feel both inferior and superior at the same time—both from fear.  The superiority and snobbery is a defense mechanism for a terrified ego.  Self-loathing is also a defense mechanism for a terrified ego.

This law does not show up in obvious ways.  You must learn to look for it, and only the eyes of compassion can help you find it.

Many of us live with this harsh inner critic.  A deeply unkind running inner dialogue is much more common than many realize.  Finding compassion for ourselves and others takes work; it takes spiritual work.  You can’t just choose it and expect to be good at it any more than you can choose to be an athlete and instantly be one just by virtue of the choice.  But the intention to become an athlete is a great place to start.

We learn to love ourselves by learning to be kinder to others.  We learn to be more compassionate with others when we work on being more compassionate with ourselves.

e.e cummings said, “We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

Paul Boynton said, "Self-responsibility, self-respect and self-esteem go hand in hand. Work on any of these and you automatically see growth in all three."

We are all equally flawed and equally adorable.  It is the self-loathing that blocks us from heaven, not the flaws themselves, or babies wouldn’t be so utterly loving and lovable.  

We must all become like little children to enter heaven.

The thing that stands between you and heaven is your own self-judgment.

Let me say that again.

The thing that stands between you and heaven is your own self-judgment.

Heaven is true authenticity which leads to true intimacy.  And true intimacy is heaven.

Amen.

The Readings
Zephaniah 3: 14-17
Sing, O daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel!
Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O daughter of Jerusalem!
For the Lord will remove his hand of judgment and will disperse the armies of your enemy.
And the Lord himself, the King of Israel, will live among you!
At last your troubles will be over, and you will never again fear disaster.
On that day the announcement to Jerusalem will be, “Cheer up, Zion! Don’t be afraid!
For the Lord your God is living among you.  He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.  With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”

Matt 16:24-28
Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.  For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?  For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done.  Truly, I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom.”

Divine Providence 320 portions
If we were to believe, as is the truth, that all goodness and truth come from the Lord, and all evil and falsity come from hell, we would not take credit for any goodness, nor condemn ourselves for any evil. 
Once we make these two acknowledgments, we can simply notice the evils within ourselves and, to the extent that we block them from becoming behaviors and we turn away from them because we see they do harm (are sinful), we throw them back into the place of fear and ignorance (hell) from which they came.