Healthy Boundaries Series 4: Thoughts and Feelings

This is a series about maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships.

The guidelines stated in this series may challenge a lot of long-standing habits. It is my experience that these old societal habits are unhealthy and that these new boundary markers point us to healthier ways to navigate our interpersonal dynamics and shared experience. I recommend that readers consider these guidelines and try them on before starting in with arguments. The suggested changes are nuanced and will possibly threaten our collective go-to behaviors for judging and attempting to manipulate other people's choices.

These boundaries outline what is ours to control and what is not ours to control. They keep us in our own business and out of other people's business. Poor boundaries encourage us to spend too much time trying to manage other people's lives and discourage us from the hard work of managing our own. It is a spiritual practice to move increasingly into managing our own business and to get out of everyone else's. The more we do this work, the clearer we will also become in identifying what is our shared business, and how to navigate that as well.  Without this work, we will do poorly in managing shared or public business.

Credit for identifying and articulating these boundaries goes to Mark R Carlson, MS, MDiv, Marriage and Family Therapist in Huntingdon Valley, PA. USA

Healthy Boundaries Series Article 4: Thoughts and Feelings

This article might be the most immediately applicable and needed in the world today, given how much of our communication online is fraught with tension and poor behavior. 

Do not speak with authority about anyone else's thoughts, feelings motives, intentions, or desires. 

As this boundary is crossed regularly and egregiously in much of our public discourse, it is no wonder we may believe it is acceptable.  If everybody does it, then maybe it is something that is okay to do.  Unfortunately, jumping to conclusions about other people's thoughts, feelings, and intentions is one of the first weapons of the weak.  Yet, it is modeled everywhere, so we all tend to do it.

This is where I point once again to the Golden Rule.  If you don't like it when someone does it to you, don't do it to them.

Do not speak with authority about anyone else's thoughts, feelings motives, intentions, or desires. 

If you want any discussion to devolve quickly into defense and attack rather than productive dialogue, go ahead and tell someone else what they are feeling, meaning, or intending. Even if you are sure you know what is going on inside someone else's head, announcing it as fact is a violation. It is deeply disrespectful. It will get you in trouble.

This is a very hard boundary to honor, particularly when we feel ill-used or deceived. "You are lying to me!" crosses the boundary. "I do not trust your words," keeps you firmly in what you can actually know.  Then, if they come back at you with, "Are you calling me a liar?" The answer is, "No. You might be lying to me. You might not. I can't know. Only you know if you are lying.  But I do know I don't trust your words."

Can you see the difference?  You will be keeping your conversational boundaries clean when you stay out of the other person's business (thoughts, feelings, intentions) and in what you can genuinely know, which are your own thoughts, feelings, and intentions.

It is not easy. It takes practice.  It can be especially frustrating when the other person is not abiding by the same rules.  But it will leave you in integrity.

I know what you are thinking. "This is crazy!  This is too hard!" (Actually, I can't possibly know what you are thinking.  I can guess. I might guess fairly accurately. But only you get to be the authority on what is going on in your own head and heart.)

Here are examples of the sorts of statements one might find on the internet or in life. Can you pick out which ones cross a boundary, and which ones stay respectful?

1. "Releasing that news item today was politically motivated. The other party only did it to ruin our chances."
2. "Wow. That is not at all what I got from reading that article."
3. "If you think you have a right to have a gun, you are selfish."
4. "If you believe in taxation, you believe in theft."
5. "I cannot understand why you voted for Trump. Do you want to try to explain your thinking?"
6. "You forgot my birthday. You must not love me."
7. "What you just said made me uncomfortable. I need some time alone."
8. "You voted for Obama, therefore you are a white-hating, man-hating baby killer."
9. "I don't actually feel safe answering you right now. I need time." 
10. "If you would just do a little research you would know I'm right."

I hope that was easy. If it was, I suspect you are on the road to learning better civil discourse and healthier communication skills.

(Or maybe you already were. I can't know. But it sure made a snappy ending!)

Following are the other entries in the series:
Money
Health
Family of Origin

Healthy Boundaries Series: 3. Family of Origin

This is a series about maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships.

The guidelines stated in this series may challenge a lot of long-standing habits. It is my experience that these old societal habits are unhealthy and that these new boundary markers point us to healthier ways to navigate our interpersonal dynamics and shared experience. I recommend that readers consider these guidelines and try them on before starting in with arguments. The suggested changes are nuanced and will possibly threaten our collective go-to behaviors for judging and attempting to manipulate other people's choices.

These boundaries outline what is ours to control and what is not ours to control. They keep us in our own business and out of other people's business. Poor boundaries encourage us to spend too much time trying to manage other people's lives and discourage us from the hard work of managing our own. It is a spiritual practice to move increasingly into managing our own business and to get out of everyone else's. The more we do this work, the clearer we will also become in identifying what is our shared business, and how to navigate that as well.  Without this work, we will do poorly in managing shared or public business.

Credit for identifying and articulating these boundaries goes to Mark R Carlson, MS, MDiv, Marriage and Family Therapist in Huntingdon Valley, PA. USA

3. Family of Origin: Do not comment on someone else's family of origin, even if you are repeating something you heard an actual family member say. This applies to hometowns and countries too.

The boundary around comments on someone else's family can be a baffling one.  The clue that a boundary is being crossed is if an actual family member feels offended or irritated by our comment.

"I know I said that my brother is a jerk, but that doesn't mean you get to say my brother is a jerk."

You get to have your experience of your family. I get to have my experience of my family. Neither of us gets to comment with any authority on the other one's family without treading on thin ice. Outsiders do well to leave all commentary on what it is like to belong to a family to those who belong to it. This goes for hometowns and countries too.

This boundary springs from our sense of belonging and ownership.  It may even speak to a sense of identity.  If you criticize my roots, even if I also criticize them, I likely will feel a need to defend the place, because I once belonged there and come from there. It is part of me, even if I may have separated myself from much of what it stands for. Unless you come from there too, be careful what you have to say.

Do not comment on someone else's family of origin, even if you are repeating something you heard an actual family member say. 

The application of this boundary even to one's country became very clear to me yesterday. Apparently I "constantly" criticize the US, and often say how much better my experience as a Canadian has been than my experience as an American. (This is true.)  Apparently, this is very irritating to Americans.


But I am an American!  Why don't I get to comment?

I think I understand why, now.  I am "not allowed" to criticize the US though I am a US citizen because I am also a Canadian citizen.  In fact, I identify more as Canadian, which lands me firmly in the outsider category.  I no longer get to criticize the US as an insider, even though I was born in the US and currently live in the US. Because I identify as Canadian, my comments still come across as criticism from an outsider, which is absolutely offensive.

I'M SORRY!!!!!

My endless "negging" comes from grief and loss. In the public discourse, it just comes across as offensive. It belongs in my therapist's office or with close friends. That was very hard to hear at first because it came across as saying that the grief and loss and disillusionment were themselves shameful or invalid.

I needed to understand the dynamics of the boundaries and how my belonging/not belonging was perceived before I could see why others got to comment and I didn't. I needed to understand that I still get to have all my feelings, I just need to be more judicious in how and where I express them. Lesson (FINALLY) learned.  I am indeed sorry for how offensive my words may have been to those who have had to put up with them.

I put all of this here to show that we all make mistakes.  I put this here to articulate the "why" of these social dynamics, especially for those who are helped by understanding why.  May the naming of these boundaries make a difference in our shared communication.


Following are the other entries in the series:
Money
Health
Thoughts and Feelings

Healthy Boundaries Series: 2. Health Management

This is a series on maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships.

The guidelines stated in this series may challenge a lot of long-standing habits. It is my experience that these old societal habits are unhealthy and that these new boundary markers point us to healthier ways to navigate our interpersonal dynamics and shared experience. I recommend that readers consider these guidelines and try them on before starting in with arguments. The suggested changes are nuanced and will possibly threaten our collective go-to behaviors for judging and attempting to manipulate other people's choices.

These boundaries outline what is ours to control and what is not ours to control. They keep us in our own business and out of other people's business. Poor boundaries encourage us to spend too much time trying to manage other people's lives and discourage us from the hard work of managing our own. It is a spiritual practice to move increasingly into managing our own business and to get out of everyone else's. The more we do this work, the clearer we will also become in identifying what is our shared business, and how to navigate that as well.  Without this work, we will do poorly in managing shared or public business.

Credit for identifying and articulating these boundaries goes to Mark R Carlson, MS, MDiv, Marriage and Family Therapist in Huntingdon Valley, PA. USA

2. HEALTH MANAGEMENT: Do not judge how someone else manages their body

Think of a time when someone else commented on how you manage your health or diet or experience of your body. "You should try the paleo diet." "Just take Tylenol, it helps me every time." "Yoga can fix any health problem, you just have to commit." "You can't be a lesbian, you had a boyfriend."

While these tidbits often come from a desire to be helpful, they are more often than not irritating and unhelpful, somehow requiring us to explain why we might not agree. They require a sort of defense: reclaiming what is ours, not theirs, to manage.

The wording and the tone make all the difference. If we feel irritated, it is probably because the commentary is trespassing on our business.

We are the sole managers of our physical experience, and we get to be the authorities on what works and what doesn't; on what we are ready to try, and what we are not; on what we experience and feel.

"I have found yoga to be very helpful.  Is that something you might want to try?" is far less likely to trigger irritation than, "You have to try yoga. My teacher is the best. Honestly. Only idiots avoid yoga."

More examples follow. Which ones do you find more irritating and which less?  Can you understand why?

1. "Please come to Tai Chi with me. I KNOW it will help you."
2. "I have been taking melatonin for my insomnia and it is helping. I don't know if it will help you, because our biologies are all different. I just wish it would help you too."
3. "I like the way my doctor explains everything to me and lets me choose. She isn't high-handed. She is taking new patients."
   
4. "My multi-vitamin has me feeling so much better. You have to try it!"
5. "I can't believe you are trying to treat your cancer alternatively. You might as well just burn your money and shoot yourself. It would have the same outcome."
6. "You are looking into alternative treatments for your bipolar? Huh. I feel nervous about that. I haven't seen good outcomes so far with that approach. I wish you all the best."
7. "There are only two genders. You don't get to say you are 'fluid.' You are the gender you were born. Saying you feel differently is selfish."
8. "You are my child, and you are an adult. Your choice to go off your meds makes me nervous. If you have a psychotic break, the responsibility lands on me. I don't know if I'm willing to go through that again. How can we work this out in a way that feels good to both of us?

In number eight, the example shows the speaker expressing concern about how the other person's choice could have a negative impact on the speaker's own life.  This is absolutely something we get to do. When someone else's choices affect the quality of our life, we get to express concern and name why we are concerned. We still don't (necessarily) get to control the other person's choices. We do get to set up protections for ourselves if the other person has a pattern of repeated poor choices whose consequences land on us.

Do not judge how someone else manages their body

Respecting personal boundaries around someone else's experience of and management of their own body means we are respecting the intelligence and autonomy of the other.  In terms of the Golden Rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) I prefer having my intelligence and autonomy respected.  I do not like micromanagement any more than I like a backseat driver. I think it is safe to assume we all would prefer to be treated with respect and dignity.  Please let me know if that is not your experience!

We all deserve to be autonomous.  Unfortunately, we are not all the owners of consistently excellent judgment or mental health. The big question of how we navigate our shared reality with those who make occasional poor choices, those who make repeated poor choices, and those who simply are not capable of living a fully autonomous life without oversight is another discussion for another time.

Until then, please treat others the way you prefer to be treated in relation to your experience and choices around your body. That does not mean that you get to export your experiences and answers onto others. That means that they get to name and have very different experiences from yours without either of you feeling threatened or invalidated.

Respectful questions are welcomed!

Following are the other three entries in the series:
Money
Family of Origin
Thoughts and Feelings

Healthy Boundaries Series: 1. Money management

This is a series on maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships.
The guidelines stated in this series may challenge a lot of long-standing habits. It is my experience that these old societal habits are unhealthy and that these new boundary markers point us to healthier ways to navigate our interpersonal dynamics and shared experience. I recommend that readers consider these guidelines and try them on before starting in with arguments. The suggested changes are nuanced and will possibly threaten our collective go-to behaviors for judging and attempting to manipulate other people's choices.

These boundaries outline what is ours to control and what is not ours to control. They keep us in our own business and out of other people's business. Poor boundaries encourage us to spend too much time trying to manage other people's lives and discourage us from the hard work of managing our own. It is a spiritual practice to move increasingly into managing our own business and to get out of everyone else's. The more we do this work, the clearer we will also become in identifying what is our shared business, and how to navigate that as well.  Without this work, we will do poorly in managing shared or public business.

Credit for identifying and articulating these boundaries goes to Mark R Carlson, MS, MDiv, Marriage and Family Therapist in Huntingdon Valley, PA. USA


1. MONEY MANAGEMENT: Do not judge how someone else spends their money

Several years ago a friend of mine was invited on a cruise. At the time, some of her income came from a grant. When she went on the cruise, the body who awarded her the grant felt obliged to question her use of her money. Were they justified? In my eyes, it seemed beyond their scope of management.

Recently, my husband and I were invited on a cruise. Most of the expenses were paid by a generous relative, but not all.  Should we say yes or no, knowing a "yes" would add unnecessary expenses to the debt which we could avoid by staying home?  As I debated, in the back of my mind were all the judgmental voices waiting to have an opinion should we say yes.

Sufficient money and growing debt have been an issue for us for a few years now as I struggle to make a living wage in New York. Many people know this. It is not something I believe I should feel ashamed about, even as I struggle with deep shame about it. I tell the truth about it even though several people have leaped to judgment of me as soon as they heard.

(I see this freedom to judge those who struggle to have enough money as a collective societal ill. Being poor is equated with having a moral weakness. It is as if those who are poor did something to deserve being poor, and if they would simply make better choices they would be lifted from the depths of poverty in very short order. This has not been true in any aspect of my lived experience. Speaking as a white person with two masters degrees who is the daughter of relative wealth, if anyone should be able to lift herself out of disadvantage, it is me.  But so far, despite my best efforts, I have not. Does the fault lie purely in me? Perhaps it does, if luck and timing and the stacked-against-the-poor nature of this country are not taken into account as well.)

Do not judge how someone else spends their money.

Notice all the objections that come up when that line is drawn.

Here is a common situation.  Joe and Jane are a married couple. They pool their finances, and each gets to take an equal portion from the group finances for their personal hobbies and interests. Jane spends her portion on facials and manicures and fancy hair coloring. Joe spends his portion on model trains. Joe secretly judges Jane, thinking her vain and wasteful, wishing she would spend the money on better housekeeping tools or a gym membership. Jane secretly judges Joe for spending his money on a childish hobby when he could be bettering himself with courses or more stylish clothes or a grooming regime.

Discuss.

My thoughts? The judging these lovers are doing tell us about their own preferences and insecurities and longings and say nothing about what the other partner "should" be doing differently.  They are projections. They are absolutely not loving of the other one's autonomy or freedom. They come from some sense of a need to control the other one's resources. He does not get to judge what she does with her portion. She does not get to judge what he does with his either.  PERIOD.

Good counseling would help them discover and name the fears underlying the attempt to control the other's use of money. It would deliver them each back into the things they need to address within themselves and take them out of the other's business.

When I first learned that I needed to stop judging how others used their money, I felt uneasy, insecure, and angry. I felt like some of my power was being taken away.  But by now I am grateful to have gained an understanding of why I long to control other people's anything, and for much better skills in discovering where my agency does and does not lie. I feel MORE empowered and better informed, not less.

Should my beloved husband choose to spend money in a way with which I do not feel comfortable, I can express that I feel uncomfortable and name why (to the best of my ability). I OWN my discomfort and do not try to use my feelings to make him choose differently. I ask him to hear my struggle, and then support him in doing what is authentic to him. Several times lately, when he asked I have expressed my opinion only to have him choose what he originally wanted anyway. I felt GLAD. I do not want to manipulate him with my feelings or thoughts, and in all those cases, it was the right choice for him. When he did reconsider his choice, he was learning about himself, not pleasing me.  He does like to please me! That is why it is so important to make sure I don't try to manipulate him by exploiting that desire to please me. I could exercise some control that way.  It would be toxic if I did.

Before I learned this boundary, I felt it was my duty to judge others in certain contexts. As I saw it, my judgment served to help them make better choices, which they might not make without the societal pressure of my (and others) judgment.

During that time, a dear friend ended up on welfare.  I felt entitled to judge her for many reasons, including for keeping the family pets (their feeding and care cost money!) and for not being harsher with her children who threw away their packed school lunches. It felt like my duty to nose into her decisions and try to influence them.  That we are still friends today is a testament to her forgiving and patient nature. She expressed how my advice affected her, said a bit about her reality and the choice to keep her pets, and did not take any of my advice. She drew a firm boundary without judgment and with a clear expression of feeling hurt. It took me a while, but over time I realized with increasing mortification just how clueless and entitled my so-called "help" had been. Subsequently, life also saw fit to drop me down into the debt-carrying class. I have since had many experiences from the "poor" side of the fence that have continued to educate me about the hurtful and harmful lack of boundaries our culture has around money.

Is someone else's use of money our business?  If it isn't, why are we trying to control it by judging it?  We can examine someone else's use of money to learn about our own longings and desires and values. We don't get to tell someone else our opinion about it unless they ask. Whether they heed our opinion or not is not our business either. We must leave others alone and manage our own money by our best judgment. Remember, "Do unto others as you wish them to do to you." Do you like being micromanaged?

The very question of how we manage money individually and collectively speaks to our societal narrative about money and entitlement and what belongs to whom. It speaks to the group assumptions that are part of each country's collective storytelling regarding entitlement and belonging and worth.  Who is deserving? Who is undeserving? Why and why not?

That is another entire blog post.

Following are the other three entries in the series:
Health
Family of Origin
Thoughts and Feelings