Feeling

Today I am too tired to keep running. There's so much to do before Christmas. But my spirit is begging me to stop and sit for awhile. So I have done this, and I am feeling.

I think that that is a huge part of why I work so hard to fill my life with so much activity---so I won't feel.
When I stopped today, I felt very sad. There have been so many losses, and I don't want to feel them.
We've lost home in the deepest sense of the word.
So if I sit, I start crying. Who wants to do that? No wonder I keep so busy!
But all the psychologists say it is good for me to feel my feelings, so today I am doing that.

Our dear former pastor and his wife are having an exceptionally hard year. They are suffering. There's nothing we can do to help but stand by and love them and pray for them.
Perhaps all the feelings are catching up to them too.

It being the Christmas season simply intensifies the feelings. It is a time of celebration for so many. On the flip side, it is a time of intensified loss for those who are grieving. Working at a hospital as I have been doing this fall has heightened my awareness of all the families who are grieving this Christmas.

And I am grieving today.

I want my life back. I want my home back. I want my pastor back. I want my church back. I want my dreams back. I want my writing back. I want my community back.

Please? It hurts.