In This Moment: Christmas 2022

Greetings from Canada, home of my (Alison’s) children, my grandchildren, and many years of friends. And greetings from New York City, Sam’s home of over 33 years. We are a two-country couple and making it work.

Thank you for all the kind and heartfelt notes that came in after last year’s letter. I can say that I am much, much better now, and happier than I have been in several years. My Canadian doctor finally found a medication that corrects my brain chemistry back to nearly normal. This has remained true for a month now, so my hopes are high that I may soon be able to settle into a stable, financially viable life.

I continue to rely heavily on a stubborn trust in Divine Providence no matter how things look or feel. “Show up; pay attention; do your best; let go of the outcomes.” I have needed this trust or faith as my ability to find work and/or return to school has been weirdly blocked since my return to Canada. Even my therapist and kind friends shake their heads in astonishment at all the things that should be working and are not. After my failing repeatedly to get help with employment, my friend, Dori Ferr, tucked me under her arm like a football linebacker and blasted through some blocks to get me the help I needed. Where I had been trying for ten months, she got me help in two days. The woman she found figured out why the ball had been dropped so badly in my case. It was indeed a series of unpredictable events and miscommunications and rotten timing that had prevented me from getting help since November. “Nobody’s fault. Weirdly unfortunate events and loss of staff,” etc. It has been deeply frustrating, but not due to something I was doing wrong. Phew! Nevertheless, it is now November, and I am still unemployed. I have a good career coach and we are making progress, but I am sixty-one, and a female with a very odd resume. It’s going to take time. I’m settling in for the long haul of knocking on doors and getting no answer. I just need one yes. I just have to keep doing this and upping my game until I get one YES. It will happen. (Even if it is for under $40,000 a year. Sigh.)

I have had the same experience with pursuing schooling. Since November 2021 I have been paying fees and filling out forms online. I heard nothing back about my application until mid-January indicating I needed to apply again. I applied again, filling out forms, paying fees, and reaching out by email and phone. I seemed unable to talk to a real person, to find out what was going on. Sometimes I reached a living person for a minute or two in which they pointed me at (inaccurate) web pages. I entered unhelpful internet loops and found dead ends. “Go to www.____ for the answers you seek.” Www.____ says, “Call this number for the answers.” I call and the line has been disconnected. I go back to Www.____ and see an email. I email that person. No response. I find out many weeks later that that person had abruptly left her job and all the emails were falling into a pit of nothingness. By the time someone living contacted me by email in MARCH, I learn then that I had eight hours left to complete my submission. I kid you not. I go to “finish” my submission and ALL the forms I have already filled out twice online are presented to me to fill out AGAIN as if I never had. It had taken all my emotional energy to get this far, doing everything I was told, paying double in fees, being proactive, and seeking answers, until this. I collapsed in a heap of rage and tears. I couldn’t do it. I did not have the emotional energy or the will to do it all again, as if they didn’t know me—as if I hadn’t jumped through these hoops many times before. I did not even have copies of the original online forms to paste into the “new” forms. I guess they didn’t want my money that badly. I tried other angles of approach to getting this done and learned: 1) I have to pay a bunch of money to a psychotherapy website to (maybe) find out what courses I still need, having already paid a sizable fee to take some “required training” on the understanding that I would get that assessment at the end of the training, OR 2) Most of my credits are too old to count so I might as well start all over, AND 3) no one will actually help me find out what courses are still good and what will be required, so I can decide for myself. I need to march into a building and find a live person who will do this with me. So far it has been dead ends.

Maybe with the new meds working I will be up to banging my head on that door again. But at sixty-one, I’m no longer sure I want to go through all that effort and schooling again just to have to deal with insurance companies refusing to pay me on the other side. I have heard some horror stories of how hard it can be to make a living as a therapist. So for now, I’m throwing my energy back into organizing. I have a potential new partner coming alongside which should help a lot. Fingers crossed that SOMETHING works to provide me with an income soon.

Meanwhile, I am working on my second novel in earnest, releasing new chapters of book two biweekly to my cheerleaders and financial supporters. The writing is SO MUCH FUN. Several friends advised me to start a Patreon, despite my doubts, so I finally started one. Patreon gives me about 80% of any money pledged. It’s a dribble of money so far, but the moral support that it provides me is surprisingly potent. My publication goal for book 2 is autumn 2023. I have hired a cover artist, which makes the commitment even more real. Then I start book three. If you want to support my effort in finishing the series and to read finished chapters as they are written, go to my Patreon and see if you can throw something my way. There are some pretty sweet rewards for donors. https://patreon.com/user?u=65399202 Check it out. Love to you whether you can afford to support me or not. *

So it seems I have been granted a resurrection. I feel up to life again, up to trying, up to engaging. Thank you for loving me through this most recent valley. Fingers crossed, or constant prayers, or “Expecto Patronum!” that this wave of functionality continues and grows. Please?

I’m sure you want to know how Sam is doing. He is soldiering on down in New York City at the job he has had for over twenty-six years. We talk every day via Facetime. He seems content in his job and has friends

with whom he gets out for movies and adventures. He also has dear friends in the building who have been inviting him to join them for meals and gatherings. We will be spending an entire month together, from Dec 6-Jan 3rd, and it will be SO good to be together again. We have been counting the days. As of today, 20 until we meet again!

I say, “Take your hope and joy within you; keep it burning brightly in your deepest heart. Let no outside news of Herod diminish it in any way. That brilliance was made to pierce the darkest night and lead everyone to safety. With Divine Love, all things are possible.”

Sam says, “Merry human holidays, you humans.”