2024 Letter

This December, I am looking out at heavy snowfall while I listen to gentle Christmas music. I am sipping spiced eggnog coffee by Second Cup and feeling lots of joy. Sometimes the outer trappings of the world can make a big difference in how we feel, and right now, I am grateful to be feeling Christmassy.

I have another reason to be full of joy. The Church of the Good Shepherd, Swedenborgian, in Kitchener, Ontario has just installed me as their permanent pastor! It is a beautiful old church with a faithful core of members and non-members alike. The congregation is welcoming and affirming, and we fit each other well. Finally, after nine years of spotty employment, sometimes in the most basic jobs, I am employed again using my years of training and my skills. I am dusting off the advent wreath, pulling out my special nativity set and scarves in the four colours of Advent, and am back in my element creating worship for all the senses.

This will be my first Christmas apart from Sam who has chosen to go celebrate with his family in Tennessee. I got to see him for just over a week in November. As he is moving in with me by the fifteenth of January, I can wait that much longer to see him again. Pray for our ability to get him landed immigrant status in a short amount of time. Once he has that he can get medical care and find work.

Many pastors, along with many spiritual seekers, go through at least one (and sometimes several) crisis (crises) of faith. These crises can look like a scary thing to them and those around them. But the truth is that our faith is meant to mature and evolve, and sometimes this comes in the form of a crisis of faith. And if we don’t have a safe place to explore and express what is troubling us, it can be a very lonely thing to experience. And if those around us are frightened by our doubt, thinking we are “falling backward” they can go into high gear to try to talk us back into the skin we are shedding.

But growth often requires that we leave behind something that no longer fits us so as to take on new and better suited ideas, beliefs, and perspectives. We serve each other better if we hold a space for others to grow rather than to try to stuff others into a box that makes us comfortable. I have seen many friends go from true believers to agnostics to atheists, some to return to a community of faith again with a new understanding, some to stay atheist. Some of my atheist friends live lives that show a belief in being good and kind. Some of my “faith following” friends somehow still say racist things or hold exclusive beliefs. I feel more affinity with those who behave thoughtfully and kindly even if they are “atheist” than those who hold a church membership somewhere but speak cruel words and behave in cold, exclusive ways.

Swedenborg was all about the insides and underneath of things, not the outsides. The real or true aspect of a thing can be found in the underpinnings, not the surface. You can say you believe in Jesus, but scorn and hold contempt for the marginalized. The underlying sentiment is superiority, not love. You can say you are an atheist but work selflessly with your neighbours to find long-lasting solutions for those who struggle. The underlying sentiment is compassion and a sense of responsibility for those who struggle. Which is more Christ-like?

And so I am declaring that a crisis of faith is like the coming of the Lord Jesus as an infant on earth. Both are the beginning of a transformation. Both seem risky and vulnerable, and can even be threatened by those around who see only a threat. Christ’s birth was a lonely act for all involved. For Mary. For Joseph. For John the Baptist. For Jesus.

But a crisis of faith is looking toward a rebirth of a roomier understanding. Each crisis is so that we can develop a better-formed, more intelligent, and more compassionate way of being. Though fear, childhood wounds, and a restrictive environment can stunt our growth, we are designed to grow in wisdom and love. Sometimes that is lonely and scary. But it is never outside of providence. “Fear Not” say the angels. This is good tidings, and you are not alone.

Those are my reflections this year. As I begin to develop a class called “Explorations” for spiritual seekers (on Zoom this coming January, date/time TBD) I am reflecting on the topic of faith development and how it can be messy and gooey, like birth. It can look dramatic and even dangerous, but it is how we enter new stages of spiritual evolution. And it is beautiful. Come explore with us.

May you find a warm and safe manger in which to lay your newly birthed spiritual awakenings. May you be filled with innocence and joy and peace this holiday season, and watch for those deeply good “underpinnings” all around you. A New Light comes. We don’t have to be afraid.

My family continues to do pretty well. My oldest daughter, Jennie, and her dear husband, Ryan, are doing as well as they can given Ryan’s recovery-resistant long-Covid. We pray every day for returning strength and resilience for him. Make it so! My daughter, Eden, and her husband continue to grow their practices as Osteopathic Manual Practitioners while they raise two active and vibrantly alive young girls.

Jordan, having been laid off from work in the Spring is increasingly stressed by his inability to find another job. I know many like him, also laid off in the economic downturn. I know all too well the terrible stress of chronic unemployment. Please pray for him to find a job that suits him and in which he will thrive, soon!

So from our house(s) to yours, we send deep love and hope for good fortune no matter what is going on in the world. The human race is careening around and things feel very unstable now. But this, too, shall pass. Feel ALL the feelings. Rage against whatever feels worthy if you need to. And remember that even this shall pass.

You are LOVED.

From AliSam, soon to be reunited!

Christmas 2021

Dear traveling companions near and far,                                                Dec 29, 2021

Wow. Has it been a year since I wrote anything on my blog?

Well, I guess that makes sense, considering everything.

I’m going to speak from my heart. Brace yourself; here comes some drastic vulnerability.

 

Last year was really, REALLY hard for me. Starting in November 2020, I sank into depression and it only deepened into the new year. My doctor tried changing my depression medications, but the new ones caused new problems. I started having tremors in my hands; I lost my coordination and balance; I just wanted to lie in my bed and sleep. It became increasingly hard to focus on my online job, (which paid very little for the time I was putting in). I needed organizing jobs! But the pandemic roared on.

 

Then in April, I broke my foot. (Thank you, negligent management company.) All my efforts to provide for myself became moot. I descended into a deeper despair than I admitted to myself.

Through denial and self-will, I persevered. By June, my foot still wasn’t healing properly. I had gained 15 pounds. The handful of “imminent” organizing jobs in NYC had never materialized. I hadn’t contributed to our rent since December. I was in debt AGAIN. I felt helpless and stuck, with my health deteriorating weekly (no balance, coordination, or endurance). I was utterly powerless to effect good on my own behalf and saw no reason this would change. I was so frustrated and angry! Thoughts of suicide were circling.

My faith has been through many phases since my naïve and shiny youth. It has been through times of tremendous depth and a sense of closeness to God (wonderful). It has been through a sense of God’s abandonment, followed by a long time in a spiritual desert wondering if any of the past faith had been real. Most recently, while I believe God has everyone’s best long-term interests at heart (think “afterlife”), God also lets us suffer all sorts of earthly misfortunes without protection. I had no sense at all that God would keep me out of the mental hospital or pay my bills.

 

It was during this darkest of times that I got a good hard look at how much pride I have had in my own abilities. I have been creative and persistent. I have risen from catastrophic loss and reinvented my life again, and again, with “my” irrepressible optimism and creativity, and faith. I am strong.

 

But this time I couldn’t rise. I had nothing. I couldn’t get myself out of this nosedive. I was not in charge of my life at all.

Into this desperate space came the words of a dear friend. “You must pray for a resurrection. You must ask for your life back and pray for a resurrection.” I choked up, both at the ridiculousness of the notion (a resurrection for me?) and at the poignancy. I wanted a resurrection with all my heart!

I began praying daily for a resurrection that I doubted would ever come. I cried over my journal day after day, sick and still limping, gaining weight, unable to find regular work, and sinking in debt. I prayed for a resurrection, not even knowing what that meant. I just wanted to live again.

 

As the days passed and tears flowed I came to an important realization: Nothing I had, NOTHING was ever mine. “My” creativity? A fluke of genetics and environment. “My” perseverance? Sufficient privilege plus pure stubbornness and wishful thinking. The peculiar blend of talents and academic ability I had enjoyed? Just what came with along with brown eyes, depression, and a love of theater. I was responsible for none of it. I never had been.

This felt incredibly vulnerable – reduced to the absolute dependency of a newborn. Nothing I had ever done or been was of my creation. It was not of my will, nor from my “powerful manifestation skills,” nor because I “tried harder” than others. Nothing. NOTHING. I was 100% not the creator of any of the good in my life. I have been helped my whole life long even while I took all the credit.

 

Then followed this realization.  If I am not the source of “my” gifts and talents, neither am I the source of my misfortunes. I don’t deserve blame for my current suffering any more than I deserve praise for any successes. By owning my successes, I was also owning my failures, when in neither did I have much power at all.

That release of responsibility for all success and all failure in my life landed deeply in my body. I gained new ease, moving away from quite such desperate EFFORTING in my life.

 

Slowly, my life began to improve. My psychiatric practitioner let me discontinue two of the new medicines. In quick succession coordination, stamina, and balance returned. I could sequence thoughts again. I began to be interested in life again. My broken foot was a little less painful each week. Nevertheless, it was mid-September and I still had no way to make a living. I will never again underestimate the physical and psychological toll of having no income and no way to get one.  

 

Then, on the 27th of October, money from Dad’s estate landed in my account. It changed everything. I paid all my debts. I paid Sam’s debts too, making up for all my missed rent at the same time. I found myself trembling with relief. I cried repeatedly as the tremendous weight slid off my shoulders.

 

I now had a way forward. The inheritance is by no means enough to retire on. But it is enough for me to return to Canada where I can finish my psychotherapy certification without starting from the beginning. I can go into practice and finally earn a living wage. My inheritance is making this possible. My inheritance has produced what feels like a full resurrection.  I feel as though I got an amazing, undeserved miracle (my life back).

We have always planned to retire in Canada. It seems I’m making the move early and building a place for us there. Sam can’t follow me yet. His workplace just slammed the door on working from another country. Still, we can visit each other. We will be a two-country couple starting Jan 31, 2022. It’s going to be hard, but it is the only path forward that I can see.

 

Sam’s job has remained steady throughout the shut-downs, re-openings, and re-shut-downs, which is a huge blessing. In October we attended a long-planned family reunion with my kids and their families in Muskoka, Ontario. This was near Canadian Thanksgiving and one month before my 60th birthday. It was also over Sam's and my 5th wedding anniversary. We had a LOT to celebrate! The colors were stunning. Sam really took to the Muskoka region (finding craft breweries) and fit in well with the family.

 

Granddaughter Andrea presented me with a portrait. It has my top-knot, my glasses, and even the string I keep on my glasses so I don’t lose them. I am officially a grandma and no denying it.  

I spent two weeks in my hometown caring for my dear “adoptive” parents, Paul and Beryl Simonetti, who had both descended abruptly into disability. It felt wonderful to be there and care for them. I felt needed and also valuably helpful as the family adjusted to disabled parents, doctor’s visits, stair-lifts, and a search for assisted living.

 

As soon as I got home we set out on a Caribbean cruise, a treat from Sam’s sister. Before we flew home we spent several days with my sister Marcia and her wife in Florida. It was so good to see them in their new home.

Do I have a spiritual message to share? I will leave you to draw your own this year. Maybe prayers don’t change God, but these ones changed me and carried me from June - October. Can money be an answer to a prayer? It has given me freedom and dignity. It has given me hope and a future. That feels like an answered prayer. I feel like I was granted a resurrection, which is a gift of incalculable worth.

 

Thank you for listening. Thank you for reading all the way through this!

 

We send wishes that all created beings might find freedom from want, the dignity of autonomy, inclusion, comfort, and joy this coming year regardless of what any viruses are doing! 

AliSam

The new address for Alison 

as of Feb 1, 2022, will be 

57 Queen Street North, #712

Kitchener, ON. 

CANADA   N2H 6T7

Christmas 2019

Dear ones far and near,                                                 January 2020

Happy events kept me from writing a timely letter this year. We were taken on a Caribbean cruise as a surprise Christmas present to Sam’s father. My eldest daughter and her husband decided to come along! So we had a lovely time traveling and seeing sights on the high seas. While it didn’t look or feel like Christmas to my northern bones, it was an especially delightful time with family.

Sam and I have been married for three years and three months.  It is remarkable to me how lovely it is to be partnered with this man. I had dreamed of such companionship and reciprocity but had long since given up hope until I said yes to this guy. Being happily partnered does not solve all of life’s problems, but it certainly makes it easier, and with Sam, full of laughter too.

I have spent the year traveling for work. No consistent clients in New York City yet, but I do have lots of work near my home town in Pennsylvania, and I also have clients in Ontario. The Ontario clientele cover the cost of the bus fare to see my friends and family in Ontario too!

Speaking of family, daughter Eden and her husband Aaron had a scary couple of days in July when they discovered all was not well with her pregnancy. After tests and consultation, their care team decided to take the baby three weeks early. She was tiny and perfect and arrived safe and sound. I arrived in Ontario just a few hours after she did! Paige is now six months old and already a force to be reckoned with. I am in Kitchener on a visit even as I write, and am soaking up every minute, be it playing with Andrea, or rocking and holding Paige.

It was also my first time being in town for Andrea's birthday. I got to help ice the cake and watch her unwrap her presents. She loves all things purple and princessy AND is an amazing rock climber. This girl can do it all! She loves being a big sister. 

Paige has big blue eyes and loves to make noise. She makes great eye-contact and is progressing right on schedule.  She doesn't sleep much, which is hard on her mom. But eventually, she will. That's what I keep telling Eden!  

Life seems to have come down to work and family. I still battle with depression, which makes the constant advertising and reaching out for my business extra hard. But once I’m on the job, I am grounded and focussed. Helping people organize their spaces to best suit their lives is not just fun, it truly is magical.

I am including a photo I took on Puerto Rico as I climbed the Yohaku Tower in El Yunque National Forest. Our tour guide pointed out the face of the god "Yucahu" on the mountain top.  Can you see the nose, lips, and eyebrow ridge? Pretty cool, eh?

As global politics and climate change continue to be baffling and frightening, I choose to focus increasingly on the small and beautiful moments of daily life.  I do everything I can to learn about the issues and promote decency and compassion, non-exploitation and stewardship. Then I have to unhook from the world and be in the small moments. 

And so ends the 2010s.

For me, it was a decade of tremendous change,  upheaval, and growth. I'm not sorry it is behind me. 

I am committing to writing every day. I am going to build an outline for my next novel and then begin to hang scenes on it. I am done waiting for inspiration. This novel's gonna have to come out using forceps, and that's what I'm gonna do, if necessary.

May you be finding your small moments of joy. May you continue to build a community that loves and supports you. 

And may you keep coming home to yourself.

Here is a small moment of joy.

Blessings in the new decade,

Sam and Alison Moore

Previous Christmas letters can be found here:

https://alisonlongstaffmoore.blogspot.com/2018/12/christmas-2018.html

and here:

https://cliffsidechapel.com/Christmas2015.htm