The Golden Arrow, or How Our Poverty Can Reveal Our Richness

My reflections today spring from a Henry Nouwen quote:
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"How can we embrace poverty as a way to God when everyone around us wants to become rich? Poverty has many forms. We have to ask ourselves: 'What is my poverty?' Is it lack of money, lack of emotional stability, lack of a loving partner, lack of security, lack of safety, lack of self-confidence? Each human being has a place of poverty. That's the place where God wants to dwell! 'How blessed are the poor,' Jesus says (Matthew 5:3). This means that our blessing is hidden in our poverty.We are so inclined to cover up our poverty and ignore it that we often miss the opportunity to discover God, who dwells in it. Let's dare to see our poverty as the land where our treasure is hidden." ~ Henri J.M. Nouwen

In my youth and early adult years I was lucky enough to have repeated exposure to safe places to express and be my whole self, with all my vulnerabilities and insecurities, without shaming or correcting---just unconditional support.  Not only was every part of my journey accepted and affirmed, but the others in the group also showed up with their whole selves.  Yes, there were sometimes those who withheld and hid, but they were accepted even in their hiding.  And I saw how much they missed out on the beauty and strength and openness life offers when we can be our whole selves with each other without shame.  Therein lies sacredness.  Therein lies richness and great beauty.

What were these spaces?  They were intentional small groups. I have found them in a church camp in the woods, in a specialty counselling course in a practitioner's office, and in 12 step meetings.  That level of sacred safety has happened even in book clubs (it depends a great deal on the leadership).  In fact, I believe it occurs spontaneously in every small group that follows certain protocols.

As the Nouwen quote above says, we tend to run from such vulnerability in this culture. It feels counter-intuitive. Instead, we hide our weaknesses even from ourselves, so uncomfortable can it be to look at our own poverty, let alone know that others see it too.

But my most sacred encounters have come through and only through following the thread of the pain and looking with honesty at the wound or lack that is discovered.  In fact, it is not the weakness or "sin" that is ever the problem, it is the denial of it and the hiding of it, the minimizing and explaining away of it that is the real problem.    Hiding and covering up the source of the disease only compounds the disease.  No problem can be addressed, no wound cleaned and bandaged, no broken connection mended if all the energy is spent on covering it up.

But it is no wonder we hide and continue to try to project an image of stability and security to the world. This culture praises "success" and blames and shames "failure." Who would want to invite that blaming and shaming?

There is a third way.  I have seen it and felt it and lived it.

There can be strength revealed when admitting weakness.  It is a sign of great inner integrity to own ones part in failures.  But most of all, I am here to testify that when I do these things in a community of others who do these things, I feel more connected to, cared for, and compassionately delighted with my fellow human beings.  I feel hope, not despair.

In contrast, the culture of competition in appearing successful combined with criticism of those who are struggling only brings out my worst.  I become more critical, more afraid, and more desperate to hide my own weaknesses. It is a house of cards, and no fun. And it is a false dream, because no one is perfect.

So today I choose again for honest vulnerability, no matter who is telling me that that is a bad idea. I have experienced differently.  I know which path leads me to my better self.

If you want to be part of such a sacred experience and learn how to create such a safe place for others (and live in the Kitchener-Waterloo region of Ontario) contact me at rangerally@rogers.com.  I will be leading and teaching these things over the summer.

With thanks to Mark Andrew Alward of the The Loving Room Blog for sharing this Nouwen quote this morning.  http://markandrewalward.blogspot.com/ 

Be the love that you are

Alison

Just Like Me

I am working away in my office, reflecting on loss and change, on disillusionment and broken dreams. Every one of us experiences these things to some extent, eh?  We all know what they are and how they feel. 

As I often do, I have music playing as I work.  It keeps me company in my fairly solitary job.  I am working away when this song by Daniel Nahmod came on my playlist.  It stopped me in my work and popped me into my heart.

The thing is, when I'm feeling hurt, I tend to dehumanize the ones who I believe have hurt me.  And even while I'm working on coming from gratitude and peace, not resentment and victim-energy, I am, well, only human.

So I find myself wanting to share this tender song with those who have hurt me, so as to reestablish some sort of good connection---where everyone can soften and stop being defensive and so afraid of being wrong.  

I like to believe that we can all come clean and connect over our common humanity. I truly long for a safe place where my soul can show its true face.  I know it is possible. So despite current set-backs and injuries, I stop and sing this song, to myself, to you, to anyone who would hear it.

JUST LIKE ME  

Music by Daniel Nahmod  

   

You've had to be strong  

For so long  

You don’t remember who you are  

But when I see you  

I see myself too  

I know the child hidden in your heart  

  

You’re only human, like me  

You’re lonely sometimes, like me  

You’re longing for love, like me  

You’re just like me  

  

I know the ones who  

Most hurt you  

Are those you trusted most of all  

But to forgive them  

Is to live again  

And heal the heart of that child so small  

You’re only human, like me  

You’re lonely sometimes, like me  

You’re longing for love, like me  

You’re just like me

We cry for a safe place  

A quiet space to be  

Where a soul shows its true face  

Where love flies free  

You’re only human, like me  

You’re lonely sometimes, like me  

You’re longing for love, like me  

You’re just like me  

I understand!

You’re just like me

http://www.amazon.com/Just-Like-Me/dp/B001QVYMJW

http://www.danielnahmod.com/one-power.html

In love and peace,

Alison

Constant Change

I am pondering the emotional impact of the constant change in my life.  

Yet another familiar hang-out is closing (or moving, or renovating beyond recognition) and it hit me as a loss.  Enough changes already!

Has the pace of change in Western culture accelerated to a challenging rate even for younger minds and spirits, or am I just getting old?  I can't tell. Today I just feel tired of the constant changes and accumulated losses.  

I was thinking about this as I drove home from getting groceries. Spontaneously a song from a favourite artist began to play in my head. It was exactly on topic and brought some comfort.  (It seems God, or the angels, or whatever higher power you might want to name often speaks to me through music.  Funny thing about that.)

So here are the lyrics for your perusal.  I wish I could play you the song.  It has a mellow, rumba-like rhythm.

 Reality    Linda Worster, from the album "Moment by Moment"

1.                  Everything changes.  Earth and water, fire and air rearranges.

There is a universe in you and me

It=s created and set free

Each of us is wholly a part of the One

2.                  Everything matters.  Nature rebuilds as she shatters.

There is no way to resist.

She will not yield to your tightened fist.

Relax.  Don=t insist you find the only way. 

  

Nothing is different, but everything changes

All things are one but the mind sees the many   

And creation is perfect the way that I see, and the way that I don=t see. 

No matter what happens, salvation or sin

Nothing is separate, and all is within

It all depends on what you see.  Moment by moment you create reality 

3.                  Everything spins and swirls

The universe twists and twirls.

All of form is motionsCwaves upon oceans.

Only our notions keep us trapped and afraid.

Nothing is different, but everything changes

All things are one but the mind sees the many

And creation is perfect the way that I see and the way that I don=t see. 

No matter what happens, salvation or sin                                                                      

Nothing is separate, and all is within   

It all depends on what you see.  Moment by moment you create reality

           Whatever that is, you create it: reality.....

http://lindaworster.com 

"There is no way to resist. She will not yield to your tightened fist.  Relax."

There it is.  I am in resistance to the changes.  Though I pride myself in my adaptability, I am increasingly resisting the changes life is bringing now.  I must learn relaxation in the face of the inevitable changes.  I suspect it is not uncommon to resist change as we get older.  I now understand what I judged in my elders before.  I judged that resistance.  Now I am in it.  I have had my fill of losses.  Enough already.  So I am increasingly dwelling on the sadness and nostalgia for what has been lost rather than seeing and rejoicing in the potential for new life and growth.  

So I get it now.  I understand being tired of new things.  I am wanting more permanence.  I am just not as emotionally spry as I used to be.  (Goodness, you would think I was eighty, not fifty!)

Anyway, I guess I need to find some sort of emotional yoga---I need a way to recover my emotional flexibility, balance, and sprightliness.  I want to regain my willingness to step up to life.  And since I have the sneaking suspicion that the changes aren't going to stop coming, I must find a way to relax and stop resisting.  I must find a way to continue to adapt.  

Emotional yoga....  Any ideas? 

With love,

Alison

We Are Love

"When we forget that we are love, we forget to love.  And it is choice, not identity, that determines our experience.  Should we wish to feel God's mercy, we must choose to be merciful. Should we wish to feel God's peace, we must extend God's peace. And should we wish to feel forgiven, then we must forgive."  Marianne Williamson

Be the love that you are.
Alison

Drink Deeply

"We all must hold the cups of our lives.  As we grow older and become more fully aware of the many sorrows of life - personal failures, family conflicts, disappointments in work and social life, and the many pains surrounding us on the national and international scene - everything within and around us conspires to make us ignore, avoid, suppress, or simply deny these sorrows.  "Look at the sunny side of life and make the best of it," we say to ourselves and hear others say to us.   But when we want to drink the cups of our lives, we need first to hold them, to fully acknowledge what we are living, trusting that by not avoiding but befriending our sorrows we will discover the true joy we are looking for right in the midst of our sorrows."  Henri Nouwen

I have been avoiding feeling the sadness of the accumulated losses of my past several years.  It usually takes the support of friends for me to find the courage to face the despair and loss and sit with these feelings.  But there is a truth in what Nouwen says.  There is a way to sit with them.  it does involve befriending my sorrows.  This is not to become a perpetual victim, nor a sad-sack that keeps the pain front and centre.  

There is a way between ignoring and obsessing.  

There is a way to hold the sorrow beside the joy, without either cancelling out the other.  Instead, each brings a depth and texture to what becomes a magnificent pairing.

May I come to drink the cup of my whole life, the bitter and the sweet, the tangy, the rich, and the smoky, the light and the dark.  May I trust that ALL of my life in its blending is perhaps becoming a fine wine, with depth and texture, perhaps bitterness or edginess, but balanced with sweetness, earthiness or dare I say, a chocolaty note? 

If indeed we can and must embrace all of our story, then there is a way that even this drink, this cup of life with all its tones, is delicious and worthy too.  Perhaps it is my palate that needs maturing into a greater appreciation.  I have indeed found some of life's greatest joys in the midst of the darkest moments, as Nouwen suggests.  So I am finding my courage to sit with the darker notes again.  And I lift my cup to you, that we may drink deeply life beside each other in friendship, appreciating the richness, and allowing all the flavours to speak.  

Peace and blessings,

Alison

Stopping Self-Rejection

In the twelve step program there is a promise (actually there are twelve promises) that goes like this: "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."

This was a surprise to me.  I couldn't help but wonder, how could anyone---let alone someone who was trapped in a destructive addiction for many years---not regret the past?  Every single one of us has made stupid mistakes.  That's just reality.  I have plenty of embarrassing memories that I would happily never revisit. But the 12 steppers are saying that I can eventually get to such a place of self acceptance that I don't even wish to shut the door on those embarrassing memories?

Wow.  That's hard to imagine.

My usual reaction to any embarrassing memory is to slam the mental and emotional door closed on it immediately. I just want to forget it. I want to move on. I don't want to be reminded.  I want to chop off that whole moment of my life sometimes, or label it "bad" and put it in a box and declare myself separate from it.

But the 12 steps invites me to view my whole life journey with far more compassion. The truth is that at every step in the past I was doing my best, even if I now consider several choices misguided or unfortunate at best, or downright hurtful (most often out of very ignorant intent to do good) at worst.

The 12 steps, among other schools of thought, invite me to accept all of me.  It is more of a "restorative justice" approach to my own relationship with myself, rather than an adversarial, blame-and-imprison approach.  After all, who I have been is part of who I am today.  And everything I believe about the Golden Rule invites me to extend to my past self the same grace and forgiveness which that past self would have desired and deserved.

This practice of forgiving all my past mistakes, no matter how embarrassing, and embracing every part of my life as lovable and one of my teachers, has shifted something else in me.  It has opened up a whole new compassion in me for my neighbour.

See, I now like to believe that God has been guiding me every step of the way.  -That God's loving wisdom is so all-encompassing that S/He is preparing each of us to be our very best selves USING especially our most clumsy, embarrassing, and destructive moments.  Every moment becomes part of our spiritual training, not just the ones we are proud of.

It is human nature that, when we feel particularly ashamed or broken, we often feel that we can only start again by wiping our slate clean---by declaring a sort of no-fault bankruptcy.  We can feel it is the only way to shed all of the heavy shame that we can carry associated with those past mistakes.

"I'll never drink again." "I'll never hit my wife again." "I'll never shame my children again." "I'll never binge and purge again." And so on.

Sometimes these resolutions result in an actual permanent change, but not nearly as often as we might like.

And the truth is, we can never really chop off any part of ourselves. Every memory and moment and experience stays.  We can emotionally box it up and label it "bad" and try to keep it from entering our consciousness ever again.  But my experience of doing so has just left me with depression and anxiety and a bottomless pit of shame.  (AND they still haunt me anyway.)

So I have to ask, WHY cut off a part of ourselves if we really don't need to?  It is only shame and pride that urge us to do so. Humility allows us to accept all that we are: even if it is an alcoholic, or a rage-aholic, or an abusive parent, or a bulimic---and that we are still lovable. In fact, that admission, plus the consequent learning and healing that can follow, can transform an "alcoholic" (or any other "ic") into a powerful force for wisdom and healing in the world.

So I declare, let's stop cutting ourselves down.

It is a lie that any one of us is more worthy of love than any other. Some of us may have more socially acceptable defects, while others have defects that are still heavily stigmatized. Yet God loves each of us just the way we are, and has a plan that includes moving us steadily towards our best selves.

"There are no throw-away people. There are no throw-away people.  There are no throw-away people."  Rev. Mark Carlson.

In my experience, my best self compassionately loves others just the way they are. It is the Golden Rule.  I would wish to be gently loved and patiently taught and not rejected despite my moments of complete jerkitude (it is too a word!), so how can I not extend that generousity to others?  And how can I not extend that generousity to the less attractive parts of myself?

After all, what goes around, comes around, eh?
Thank you for listening.

Alison

The Poetry of Life

I was discussing poetry with a dear friend many years ago.  It was a conversation that I have never forgotten.

When you hear it, maybe you will understand why.

I was asking her why she bothered to try to write structured poetry (she particularly likes the sonnet), when freestyle was so much easier.  (Though I don't write poetry often, when I do, it comes out freestyle.)   It seemed to me that she was choosing  unnecessary restrictions for her self expression, like choosing to run the Boston marathon with hobbles on or cooking dinner with one hand tied behind her back.

But she had a different perspective.  She said she enjoyed the challenge of the restrictions. She talked about wrestling for days, even weeks to find just the right turn of phrase.  She might know what she wanted to say, but the number of syllables or the way the rhythm of  the syllables fell in the phrase would not quite fit.  It demanded great patience and an extreme sort of discipline.  But when she persevered and waited for just the right combination of words to come to her, the feeling of triumph and joy was well worth the wait.  The very challenge of the discipline brought her a deep satisfaction.

Listening to her, I thought of bonsai.  I thought of extremely fine wines.  I thought of diamonds, and I began to realize how often things in life that look like restrictions, road-blocks, and annoying barriers lead in actuality to unique, creative, and beautiful outcomes.

I have returned for reflection to that conversation many times in the past ten years.  It has helped me when I am feeling impatient.  It has helped me when I am feeling deeply frustrated by "unnecessary" delays and "pointless" restrictions.  It has helped me.

I'm still not very patient, and I still much prefer freestyle when it comes to writing poetry.  But I am ALSO deeply grateful for Linda's ability to articulate why such challenging artistic expression delights her, and for her incredible patience and perseverance with her art.

Here is a taste of her poetry:

Twin Heresies  

by Linda Simonetti Odhner  10/4/03

He cried, God, why have You forsaken me? 

They must be One only as all are one,

Unless He called Himself mistakenly,

Seeing Himself like any father’s son.   

Faced with the Gospel’s puzzle, who would not

Turn from a monstrous triple-headed God,

The Word made human flesh too dearly bought

By union splintered into shards so odd?

The Christian Mystery is misconstrued

Not just from blind perverseness, but because

His coming turned existence inside out,

Stretched all the laws of order, madly skewed

Appearance, till all flesh of sin cried out:

This Child cannot be born!  And yet He was.