"God loves me exactly the way I am, and He loves me too much to let me stay exactly the way I am."
All yesterday I helped at the seminary-hosted "Youth Day." Teens from as far away as Pembroke, (north of Ottawa) came for a day of worship and workshops. The opening service reminded me a lot of the contemporary-style worship services in my home town, or the worship services at the summer church camp we attend called "Laurel."
Almost all the people are new and fresh and unblemished in my eyes. This group is like an unmarked canvas---a field covered in new snow with no footprints in it. When I look around the room I don't know who has hurt whom, who doesn't like who, or what scandals and rumors and discontent are running under the surface. I just see a bunch of lovable people.
It's a lovely place to be. It's not really false, it's just innocent. I know it won't last. Accumulated common experience will eventually fill things in. Animals and people and will stomp across the snowy field, or kids will play a game of snow-tag, or a hawk will run a rabbit to earth just there.... And the smooth snow will be trampled and churned and maybe even bloodied.
Right now I just love this group without judgment. I have gotten used to the differences in ritual by now, and shrug off the bits that don't work for me, and just enjoy the good. I see the good hearts and sincere efforts and powerful force they are in the world, and just love them and am grateful to be welcomed.
Why is it I can't love my childhood denomination unconditionally?
One of my biggest complaints is that I do not feel or experience that it loves its members unconditionally. Shining individuals members of it
do seem to do this very well, but as an overall organization, it seems to run on a class system---there is a definite continuum dividing acceptability and unacceptability---lovability and unlovability.
I am not loved unconditionally there. Or, I am loved "unconditionally so long as I fit in the box," (which means, conditionally...)
I like to believe that I love unconditionally, but I suspect I do not. It's always easy to point fingers in astonishment at other people's faults, not seeing my own leanings. Just the other day I was with a very nice person who was complaining about a relative who has a habit of holding forth as an authority on topics about which they know nothing. It was adorable, because THIS friend tends to do that. He/she tends speak with much finality about various things with only some information (in my estimation). It can make some topics difficult to have a discussion on, but it also means that discussions are very lively and conversations are never dull. And I accept this thing about him/her because I enjoy the whole package. It's not a sticking point. It's not a deal-breaker. It's just kind of cute.
I guess I hope that my friends will treat me the same---love me, even though they see I have a few bumps, warts, and goofy bits.
Why is it that the bumps, warts and goofy bits of my childhood denomination have become deal-breakers?
I guess I look at it this way. Unconditional love includes the belief that deep down inside a person is good, and deserves good, and I wish them well, and that, on the whole, they will treat me fairly. Innocent until proven guilty.
"Guilty" means I no longer trust them, based on past experiences. It does not mean I think they are evil. I still want them to be happy and find peace and find answers and have deeply loving relationships that are healthy and lasting.
But if this person or group has repeating patterns that consistently hurt me and harm me and those I love, I need to remove myself. I need to draw a boundary and state my terms of future negotiation.
It isn't wise to remain open and unguarded with untrustworthy, hurtful energies.
I think of a woman and an abusive husband, or anyone in relationship with an addict who is not in genuine recovery.
I think of victims of any religious denomination, or any organization, who has suffered sexual abuse in the "care" of its officials.
The victim needs to make a stand and declare the truth for healing and restitution. It doesn't mean that the whole organization and all the good the institution has done is negated. I think, sometimes, that we tend to believe that. But admission of wrongdoing
restores integrity, so long as it is followed by real change of the patterns that allowed the abuse. Admission of wrongdoing attacks false self esteem while building the thing upon which true self-esteem can be built---trueness of heart.
The dynamics at work in me when I notice my mistakes are: that I feel deep shame; and I believe deeply that if I admit, even to myself, that I have done something hurtful, it will prove my deep unlovability, which means I should die. It is a deep, emotional, pre-conscious response---a "lizard-brain" response---given as a gift from God to ensure our survival. But, evolved, learned, intelligent me puffs up my feathers and hisses and spits and drives the threat away---a great response if I am lizard!
But I am not a lizard, and I have the ability to step back and analyze and make choices contrary to my lizard instincts. In fact, allowing myself to see the mistake and feel the sorrow, the deep, heart-breaking sorrow, over the harm my error caused---it is very uncomfortable!---makes the feathers wilt, the hissing lose it's steam, and I am deflated. I see I am not God. I am not perfect. I am not the best. I am just one among, yet miraculously, I am still lovable and alive.
It is a mini-crucifixion.
And we rise from this death transformed.
(But I can't feel ashamed if I am certain I am right. Then, I have done nothing wrong. Therefore it must be the accuser who is wrong, so the rational goes. "It is their problem and they need to get over it."
Oy-vey! The human condition! )
Okay, having said this, we all know someone who play-acts at recovery, or someone who starts the process and then snatches back the addiction. The fact that I see it so often terrifies me. Do I do this? How bad am I? Is that really what I do? Horrors! (But wait! I'm still alive....So there's hope!)
It hurts like crazy to draw a line with a friend or relative! It totally sucks to have them accuse ME of being judgmental and unloving. Congregations have been divided over lesser things.
In one circumstance I know, a daughter of a long-standing member was committing adultery. She told one of her girlfriends that she had never felt more alive. When this girlfriend realized that adultery was happening, she withdrew her support and friendship until the adultery stopped.
Soon it was broadly known in the congregation that the husband had been kicked out of the house and the woman was sleeping with and had been sleeping with a new boyfriend.
Some of the prominent women in the congregation decided it was wrong to judge, and extended support and friendship to the adulteress.
The husband, who was nobody's relative or son, might as well have been invisible. He had lost his wife, his family, and his home. I didn't see or hear much of anybody worrying about him.
The adulteress's girlfriend who needed to withdraw her friendship until the hurtful behaviour stopped was often treated as the bad one---the judgmental one. She felt isolated in her congregation for not being "Christian."
How bizarre! The truth really is a sword that turns this way and that.
And everyone worships together on Sunday with smiling faces and polite exchanges with the unspoken turmoil dragging at their Christian walk like a spiritual rip-tide. Non-confrontation is easier. Let the husband and friend be chewed up and spat out of the congregation for questioning a daughter of the society rather than deal with the woman herself! No, no!
On the flip side, I understand that my family of origin and many church members believe that they are doing the right and principled thing by loving me conditionally around my pursuit of ordination. It is a way of encouraging me to "return to order."
But the ten commandments don't say, "Thou shalt not be ordained if thou art a woman," while they do ask us not to commit adultery.....
I value that they live by their conscience, even as I question their judgment and cry out in pain over their removal of warmth and inclusion.
They are living by their understanding of revelation.
(Straining at gnats and swallowing camels?)
What IS unconditional love?
The truth is a slippery thing!
So, yesterday, Eden and I went with Louise Rose by way of the BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit, I assume) to San Francisco proper. We are all new to the area and yet somehow fumbled our way along with the help of kind residents, and knowledgeable tourists. The first picture is of Eden and Louise looking back across the bay and the Bay Bridge, from where we had lunch outside the Ferry Terminal Building.
of the ridiculously steep San Francisco roads was a must.
I pity the first horses brought to the area. The pictures really don't quite show how dramatic the climb is. Nevertheless, here I am, with Louise hiding behind one of the posts, and a friendly resident who told us lots of interesting San Francisco trivia as we climbed. A very nice man.
about to roll over sideways down the street.
This is the view from the walled railing at the top. There is a one-way, brick-paved insanely curvy and beautifully landscaped road going down the other side. There are stairs for people on each side instead of sidewalks. You can see some people descending the steps, and the top of a small silver car as it heads into the first insane curve. Just beyond the second curve you can see the top of another vehicle. Look at that view!
This is a stock photo as is the closer one, showing the amazing gardens and hedges they have cultivated along the curves. 
