Amazing Grace

It has been an unusually busy week emotionally. I do often experience this type of lead-up to Easter, but it still seems to catch me off guard.
I have been reflecting on the theology in which I was raised.
Douglas John Hall, in his book, "Why Christian" (I think that's where he says this... heh-heh...) talks about the phenomenon of even faith itself being viewed as a personal accomplishment by some....
It made me think.
Among some in the system that raised me---indeed, among those who influenced me the most, the common sentiment seemed to be that if one went to heaven, it was all God's doing, and if one went to hell, it was one's own fault. (There is a truth in this. But all truths become false if overemphasized.) Indeed, if you were even suffering, it was your fault. If you doubted, it was your fault. If you strayed from "true doctrine" it was your fault. One needed to study Swedenborg ad infinitum, like stacking up bricks in the tower of.... well, you get my drift.)
Having faith itself, in other words, became a "work," though nobody would have put it that way.
(Certainly not! We were the "one true church" that keeps love and faith in perfect balance always! Er, except when we don't, which seems to be most of the time. I think we went wrong the minute we said "one true faith" in combination with "US".... A lot of happy energy went into and still does go into pointing fingers at other Christian groups as the ones who "have it wrong.")
Even faith has become a "work." This was an epiphany for me.
So ...following that logic... If I get it "wrong" (and getting it RIGHT is everything---essentially salvation) it is my fault. Last time I checked, that was works-based salvation. (Besides, there was no real way to know how to "get it right" other than watching others and the code of approval/disapproval that runs the community, and best of all, to surrender one's intelligence to that of the authorities because "they have a fast track to the TRUTH and lay-people tend to mess it up and get it wrong.")
I was told to read the Word and pray a lot, both of which are very good things, except when doing so put me increasingly in conflict with the governing body, rather than fixing everything. Among other things, the more I read and studied, the more I loved the Lord and the Word, and consequently wanted to be a "minister," (though not in the governing model that currently serves the church.) The reply to the fact that reading the Word and praying put me in increasing conflict with the church, was that I was "doing it wrong."
Works again.
My salvation depended on "doing it right." And if it didn't "work," I was doing it wrong.
Hmmm. Circular reasoning? Who gets to define whether it is "working" or not?

Now wait. I want to be fair.
This is how I internalized the messages taught me. Though nothing grows in a vacuum, I freely admit that how I heard what was said might have been different than what was actually said.
Various childhood wounds certainly set me up to believe that my survival depended on figuring out what I needed to do and not do to keep from being chucked in the garbage or given up for adoption. I had already committed the sin of being born a girl. The THIRD girl. (You'd think I would have known better. Sheesh!) I was given lots of information about the tragedy and unfairness of it all. My cousin's family had gotten to the hospital first and "gotten the boy." I was the booby prize. So, I "knew" my chances of survival were perilous at best. I was at the bottom. Steerage on the Titanic. The first to be drowned. My three-year-old mind knew I would not survive if I made one false move.
Adult common sense aside. Three-year-olds are not capable of adult common sense.
How ironic that I have now jumped ship.

I suppose that is why I found the story of Moses's exclusion from Canaan such an uncomfortable story. He'd served the Lord faithfully for YEARS, and yet one false move, and he's excluded forever. (That's the presenting story. The internal meaning is something quite different.)
But I had accepted this reality as "the way things are with God" and never questioned it. It was my reality. "Learn everything you can. Stay on your toes! Watch out! Be vigilant! One false move and that's it!"
Fear, vigilance, hyper-responsibility and constant overhanging JUDGMENT.
No wiggle room. No room to stumble, learn, and try again. No mercy. No GRACE.
In Lutheran terminology, we are talking about the tension between Law and Gospel.
In Swedenborgian terms, this is the tension between Judgment and Mercy.
Judgment raised me. I was born on the Isle of Judgment. My maiden name is Judgment.
No wonder I am falling madly in love with Mercy.