Gossip

In my life, I have known a series of people who would be my friend to my face and criticize me behind my back. I was well into my naive twenties before I realized that these "friends," who would be so warm and supportive and complimentary in my presence while running down other people, were doing the same with everyone. The impression that I was a special friend, above reproach, while the other people were unfortunately flawed, was a tough illusion to let go of.

I can't believe how long I clung to the illusion that I held a special status with these people. Even after one "friend's" gossip got back to me, I couldn't quite believe that she really was the two-faced energy I had begun to suspect. After that, I began to suspect each person I knew that would gossip about others in my presence (often under the guise of "concern"). It was and continues to be a hard exercise for me.

So many people are charming and likeable! And who among us isn't trying to find esteem and belonging with other people? While I suspect this sort of two-faced behaviour comes from a damaged psyche and unexamined habits, I also see how toxic this quality is in a "friend," and I have had to choose to cut some of these people out of my life---not so much out of judgment of them, but out of self-preservation. I don't want to be around that sort of energy; it is far too easy a behaviour to pick up.
When I disconnect from this sort of energy, I (wisely or unwisely) try to make a space to explain why. "Thus and so got back to me. It made me realize how much gossip is a part of how we spend time together, and that feels bad. If you are gossiping about others to me, why would I think you wouldn't gossip about me to others? If we spend more time together, let's only talk about ourselves from now on."

I got one rage-filled door slammed in my face. No doubt I am now simply a target for that person, rather than a buddy and gossip participant.

I got one stuttering excuse, and that person disappeared, and was soon buddying up with someone else.

The third person is elderly and forgetful and regressing, and simply gossips anyway. It is distressing, because life circumstances require that I spend a certain amount of time in her presence. I have to go into her presence prepared with changes of topic and exit strategies.

It tears me up in so many ways.

How much do I do this thing I can't stand? I know I have! I bet I still do!
It makes me cringe and want to vomit.

One thing I have discovered, is that the more I find a safe place inside myself, and the more I know myself and what I believe in, the more alert I am to gossip, and the less prone I am to fall into it.
No doubt I will be prone to it for the rest of my life, and that thought sucks. But because that is true, I pray that my friends will have the guts and the love to call me on it if and when I do it. Don't let me get away with it!