"Liberal," "Conservative," and all the other permutations of political identity in the US....
I want to understand the deep-down reasons we humans believe what we believe when it comes to politics.
In particular I want to understand why, in today's politics, we are so sure that OUR side is in the right and the other side is immoral, dishonest, and going to destroy most of what we value about our country.
I want to understand the deep-down reasons we humans believe what we believe when it comes to politics.
I want to understand the deep WHY of our divisions, because I believe that if we can come together on the WHY, we can find agreement on the HOW.
One thing that seems abundantly clear is that deep-down our beliefs are EMOTION driven. We like to think they are rational and logical, but if they were so, why do we get so EMOTIONAL when someone else's perspective challenges our own? Our drives, our identity, our sense of safety in the world are all tied up in our political allegiance. The things we call "reason," "truth," "facts," and even "alternative facts" are the clothes we use to cover our sense of safety, identity and belonging. We then claim that we are reasonable and the other side is irrational.
But identity, safety, and tribal allegiance are LIZARD-BRAIN attachments, surrounded by protective defense mechanisms aimed to keep us alive.
Therefore, we can get violently angry when someone else's words and intended direction for our country seem to be threatening all that we deeply value. It feels PERSONAL. It feels LIFE and DEATH.
One thing that seems abundantly clear is that deep-down our beliefs are EMOTION driven. We like to think they are rational and logical, but if they were so, why do we get so EMOTIONAL when someone else's perspective challenges our own? Our drives, our identity, our sense of safety in the world are all tied up in our political allegiance. The things we call "reason," "truth," "facts," and even "alternative facts" are the clothes we use to cover our sense of safety, identity and belonging. We then claim that we are reasonable and the other side is irrational.
Therefore, we can get violently angry when someone else's words and intended direction for our country seem to be threatening all that we deeply value. It feels PERSONAL. It feels LIFE and DEATH.
I would invite everyone to read Jonathan Haidt's "The Righteous Mind" for a book-length exploration of the underlying differences between today's conservatives and liberals. If you are looking for a shorter read, I found this article very helpful: https://georgelakoff.com/2017/07/01/two-questions-about-trump-and-republicans-that-stump-progressives/.
I don't know about you, but I am tired of being endlessly outraged. I am no longer satisfied simply swapping tales of the other side's insanity with other tribe members.
I want to --- I NEED to believe there is a way to have a respectful conversation with the "other" and to get back on a joint path of mutual respect. There are some humans I love who are Republicans. Have I sat down with them to discuss why we are so completely polarized, or better yet, how to find our way back to cooperation?
No. Not really. Not successfully.
Do I believe a moderation of views and reduction of vilifications is possible for our mutual benefit?
Yes and yes and yes and yes.
It is too easy to assume that those who support the other side are all idiots and nincompoops, immoral and self-serving. But believing that doesn't enable me to reach out to them for solutions. It doesn't help me build bridges or enable me to build respect or come to workable agreements.
I want to believe that if we can dig down to our emotional motivations and be honest about them, we will find that we all want the same thing: safety, security for our loved ones, freedom, and the ability to support ourselves.
Don't we all want the same things? Don't we?
Isn't it mainly a sense of threat that makes us build walls against each other? Isn't it a loss of connection or any sense of joint humanity that produces increasing levels of blame and vilification? Do we really believe that those on the other side are ALL so divested of their humanity that any reason or useful connection is utterly impossible?
In "emotionally focused therapy," it is the digging back down to the common or shared feelings of the couple that helps them blast away the layers and layers of wounds and walls. Emotionally focused therapy has a high success rate. This method teaches ways to listen for the deeper, more vulnerable and innocent feelings that are hiding behind the blaming and name-calling. Inevitably, these feelings are the same on both sides --- "I need to know you won't leave me." "I need to know you love me." "I need to know we are on the same side." When the couple gets back to those feelings, and sees the genuine longing in their partner's eyes, they can be willing to trust again. They are then ready to learn how to hear and see each other differently and begin again.
Particularly those among us with attachment disorders (is there any among us without some fear of abandonment or unlovability?), will have innate defense mechanisms designed to cover our bases should we be abandoned or rejected. We will withdraw preemptively. We will see rejection where there is none. Now picture two such people in a relationship and imagine how easily trust and commitment can become withdrawal and blame and a sense of being wronged. Blame is flying in all directions and each believes the other started it.
There is a way to feel safe enough to let down our defenses and start over with a properly trained therapist. I have seen it. I have lived it. When the hearts are open and trusting again, the extremes go away. The polarization stops. The effort returns to unity and cooperation.
And so my question must be: can we as a country do this work? If so, who will create and hold our safe space while we try?
I need to believe reconciliation is possible. The model works in marriages. The model works in restorative justice circles. I cannot give up hope that there is a way to come back together as a country in just the same way. But I must be willing to encounter the vulnerable humanity of the other (in a mutual and safe way) for us to find that way forward.
Can we create that possibility?
Does it blow my mind to imagine any possible reconciliation with a regime that seems to have utterly lost its mind? Yes.
And yet, without believing that it is possible, it will never be sought.
Can you show me another way for this country to come back to something reasonably united?
I don't know that the US was ever greater than any other country. I doubt it is healthy for any country to see itself as "the greatest" any way. But I can believe that the US could become one pretty great country among many again. (There are a LOT of pretty great countries in the world other than the US. If that threatens your sense of identity, maybe take a look at why you need to see it that way. Often it is the bullies that insist they are "the best," and that is to cover a sense of inferiority.)
I am embarrassed for our country right now. My feelings are a lot like those of a teenager out in public with loud, angry parents. I want them to stop fighting. I no longer want to be associated with such a family. I have lost respect for both mother and father. I just want to leave.
Except that this is the country of my birth. I can't chop off years of belonging and pride. I cannot jettison my affection no matter how much I try. That is why this gong-show of a Presidency hurts so much. (With apologies for those who do not see it as a gong-show. You are right. That name-calling is part of the problem.)
The US has the potential to be a force for good in the world. The US can return to being a country worthy of respect if we simply never give up learning and trying---and admitting when we have screwed up. We might have to get over ourselves a bit. There may be a big slice of humble pie waiting to be swallowed. All I know is, I am willing to believe it is possible and NEVER GIVE UP. How about y'all? Can we do this?
(I do hope God blesses America. America is not being much of a blessing in the world, that's for sure. Can we get that fixed?)
I want to --- I NEED to believe there is a way to have a respectful conversation with the "other" and to get back on a joint path of mutual respect. There are some humans I love who are Republicans. Have I sat down with them to discuss why we are so completely polarized, or better yet, how to find our way back to cooperation?
No. Not really. Not successfully.
Yes and yes and yes and yes.
It is too easy to assume that those who support the other side are all idiots and nincompoops, immoral and self-serving. But believing that doesn't enable me to reach out to them for solutions. It doesn't help me build bridges or enable me to build respect or come to workable agreements.
I want to believe that if we can dig down to our emotional motivations and be honest about them, we will find that we all want the same thing: safety, security for our loved ones, freedom, and the ability to support ourselves.Don't we all want the same things? Don't we?
Isn't it mainly a sense of threat that makes us build walls against each other? Isn't it a loss of connection or any sense of joint humanity that produces increasing levels of blame and vilification? Do we really believe that those on the other side are ALL so divested of their humanity that any reason or useful connection is utterly impossible?
Particularly those among us with attachment disorders (is there any among us without some fear of abandonment or unlovability?), will have innate defense mechanisms designed to cover our bases should we be abandoned or rejected. We will withdraw preemptively. We will see rejection where there is none. Now picture two such people in a relationship and imagine how easily trust and commitment can become withdrawal and blame and a sense of being wronged. Blame is flying in all directions and each believes the other started it.
There is a way to feel safe enough to let down our defenses and start over with a properly trained therapist. I have seen it. I have lived it. When the hearts are open and trusting again, the extremes go away. The polarization stops. The effort returns to unity and cooperation.
And so my question must be: can we as a country do this work? If so, who will create and hold our safe space while we try?
I need to believe reconciliation is possible. The model works in marriages. The model works in restorative justice circles. I cannot give up hope that there is a way to come back together as a country in just the same way. But I must be willing to encounter the vulnerable humanity of the other (in a mutual and safe way) for us to find that way forward.
Can we create that possibility?
Does it blow my mind to imagine any possible reconciliation with a regime that seems to have utterly lost its mind? Yes.
And yet, without believing that it is possible, it will never be sought.
Can you show me another way for this country to come back to something reasonably united?I don't know that the US was ever greater than any other country. I doubt it is healthy for any country to see itself as "the greatest" any way. But I can believe that the US could become one pretty great country among many again. (There are a LOT of pretty great countries in the world other than the US. If that threatens your sense of identity, maybe take a look at why you need to see it that way. Often it is the bullies that insist they are "the best," and that is to cover a sense of inferiority.)
I am embarrassed for our country right now. My feelings are a lot like those of a teenager out in public with loud, angry parents. I want them to stop fighting. I no longer want to be associated with such a family. I have lost respect for both mother and father. I just want to leave.
The US has the potential to be a force for good in the world. The US can return to being a country worthy of respect if we simply never give up learning and trying---and admitting when we have screwed up. We might have to get over ourselves a bit. There may be a big slice of humble pie waiting to be swallowed. All I know is, I am willing to believe it is possible and NEVER GIVE UP. How about y'all? Can we do this?
(I do hope God blesses America. America is not being much of a blessing in the world, that's for sure. Can we get that fixed?)
