Healthy Boundaries Series 4: Thoughts and Feelings

This is a series about maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships.

The guidelines stated in this series may challenge a lot of long-standing habits. It is my experience that these old societal habits are unhealthy and that these new boundary markers point us to healthier ways to navigate our interpersonal dynamics and shared experience. I recommend that readers consider these guidelines and try them on before starting in with arguments. The suggested changes are nuanced and will possibly threaten our collective go-to behaviors for judging and attempting to manipulate other people's choices.

These boundaries outline what is ours to control and what is not ours to control. They keep us in our own business and out of other people's business. Poor boundaries encourage us to spend too much time trying to manage other people's lives and discourage us from the hard work of managing our own. It is a spiritual practice to move increasingly into managing our own business and to get out of everyone else's. The more we do this work, the clearer we will also become in identifying what is our shared business, and how to navigate that as well.  Without this work, we will do poorly in managing shared or public business.

Credit for identifying and articulating these boundaries goes to Mark R Carlson, MS, MDiv, Marriage and Family Therapist in Huntingdon Valley, PA. USA

Healthy Boundaries Series Article 4: Thoughts and Feelings

This article might be the most immediately applicable and needed in the world today, given how much of our communication online is fraught with tension and poor behavior. 

Do not speak with authority about anyone else's thoughts, feelings motives, intentions, or desires. 

As this boundary is crossed regularly and egregiously in much of our public discourse, it is no wonder we may believe it is acceptable.  If everybody does it, then maybe it is something that is okay to do.  Unfortunately, jumping to conclusions about other people's thoughts, feelings, and intentions is one of the first weapons of the weak.  Yet, it is modeled everywhere, so we all tend to do it.

This is where I point once again to the Golden Rule.  If you don't like it when someone does it to you, don't do it to them.

Do not speak with authority about anyone else's thoughts, feelings motives, intentions, or desires. 

If you want any discussion to devolve quickly into defense and attack rather than productive dialogue, go ahead and tell someone else what they are feeling, meaning, or intending. Even if you are sure you know what is going on inside someone else's head, announcing it as fact is a violation. It is deeply disrespectful. It will get you in trouble.

This is a very hard boundary to honor, particularly when we feel ill-used or deceived. "You are lying to me!" crosses the boundary. "I do not trust your words," keeps you firmly in what you can actually know.  Then, if they come back at you with, "Are you calling me a liar?" The answer is, "No. You might be lying to me. You might not. I can't know. Only you know if you are lying.  But I do know I don't trust your words."

Can you see the difference?  You will be keeping your conversational boundaries clean when you stay out of the other person's business (thoughts, feelings, intentions) and in what you can genuinely know, which are your own thoughts, feelings, and intentions.

It is not easy. It takes practice.  It can be especially frustrating when the other person is not abiding by the same rules.  But it will leave you in integrity.

I know what you are thinking. "This is crazy!  This is too hard!" (Actually, I can't possibly know what you are thinking.  I can guess. I might guess fairly accurately. But only you get to be the authority on what is going on in your own head and heart.)

Here are examples of the sorts of statements one might find on the internet or in life. Can you pick out which ones cross a boundary, and which ones stay respectful?

1. "Releasing that news item today was politically motivated. The other party only did it to ruin our chances."
2. "Wow. That is not at all what I got from reading that article."
3. "If you think you have a right to have a gun, you are selfish."
4. "If you believe in taxation, you believe in theft."
5. "I cannot understand why you voted for Trump. Do you want to try to explain your thinking?"
6. "You forgot my birthday. You must not love me."
7. "What you just said made me uncomfortable. I need some time alone."
8. "You voted for Obama, therefore you are a white-hating, man-hating baby killer."
9. "I don't actually feel safe answering you right now. I need time." 
10. "If you would just do a little research you would know I'm right."

I hope that was easy. If it was, I suspect you are on the road to learning better civil discourse and healthier communication skills.

(Or maybe you already were. I can't know. But it sure made a snappy ending!)

Following are the other entries in the series:
Money
Health
Family of Origin

Liberals and Conservatives in the United States

"Liberal," "Conservative," and all the other permutations of political identity in the US....

I want to understand the deep-down reasons we humans believe what we believe when it comes to politics.

In particular I want to understand why, in today's politics, we are so sure that OUR side is in the right and the other side is immoral, dishonest, and going to destroy most of what we value about our country.

I want to understand the deep WHY of our divisions, because I believe that if we can come together on the WHY, we can find agreement on the HOW.

One thing that seems abundantly clear is that deep-down our beliefs are EMOTION driven. We like to think they are rational and logical, but if they were so, why do we get so EMOTIONAL when someone else's perspective challenges our own?  Our drives, our identity, our sense of safety in the world are all tied up in our political allegiance.  The things we call "reason," "truth," "facts," and even "alternative facts" are the clothes we use to cover our sense of safety, identity and belonging.  We then claim that we are reasonable and the other side is irrational.

But identity, safety, and tribal allegiance are LIZARD-BRAIN attachments, surrounded by protective defense mechanisms aimed to keep us alive.
Therefore, we can get violently angry when someone else's words and intended direction for our country seem to be threatening all that we deeply value.   It feels PERSONAL. It feels LIFE and DEATH.

I would invite everyone to read Jonathan Haidt's "The Righteous Mind" for a book-length exploration of the underlying differences between today's conservatives and liberals. If you are looking for a shorter read, I found this article very helpful: https://georgelakoff.com/2017/07/01/two-questions-about-trump-and-republicans-that-stump-progressives/.

I don't know about you, but I am tired of being endlessly outraged. I am no longer satisfied simply swapping tales of the other side's insanity with other tribe members.

I want to --- I NEED to believe there is a way to have a respectful conversation with the "other" and to get back on a joint path of mutual respect.  There are some humans I love who are Republicans. Have I sat down with them to discuss why we are so completely polarized, or better yet, how to find our way back to cooperation?

No.  Not really. Not successfully.

Do I believe a moderation of views and reduction of vilifications is possible for our mutual benefit?

Yes and yes and yes and yes.

It is too easy to assume that those who support the other side are all idiots and nincompoops, immoral and self-serving.  But believing that doesn't enable me to reach out to them for solutions.  It doesn't help me build bridges or enable me to build respect or come to workable agreements.

I want to believe that if we can dig down to our emotional motivations and be honest about them, we will find that we all want the same thing: safety, security for our loved ones, freedom, and the ability to support ourselves.

Don't we all want the same things?  Don't we?

Isn't it mainly a sense of threat that makes us build walls against each other? Isn't it a loss of connection or any sense of joint humanity that produces increasing levels of blame and vilification?  Do we really believe that those on the other side are ALL so divested of their humanity that any reason or useful connection is utterly impossible?

In "emotionally focused therapy," it is the digging back down to the common or shared feelings of the couple that helps them blast away the layers and layers of wounds and walls.  Emotionally focused therapy has a high success rate. This method teaches ways to listen for the deeper, more vulnerable and innocent feelings that are hiding behind the blaming and name-calling.  Inevitably, these feelings are the same on both sides --- "I need to know you won't leave me."  "I need to know you love me." "I need to know we are on the same side."  When the couple gets back to those feelings, and sees the genuine longing in their partner's eyes, they can be willing to trust again. They are then ready to learn how to hear and see each other differently and begin again.

Particularly those among us with attachment disorders (is there any among us without some fear of abandonment or unlovability?), will have innate defense mechanisms designed to cover our bases should we be abandoned or rejected. We will withdraw preemptively. We will see rejection where there is none.  Now picture two such people in a relationship and imagine how easily trust and commitment can become withdrawal and blame and a sense of being wronged.  Blame is flying in all directions and each believes the other started it.

There is a way to feel safe enough to let down our defenses and start over with a properly trained therapist.  I have seen it.  I have lived it.  When the hearts are open and trusting again, the extremes go away. The polarization stops. The effort returns to unity and cooperation.

And so my question must be: can we as a country do this work?  If so, who will create and hold our safe space while we try?

I need to believe reconciliation is possible.  The model works in marriages. The model works in restorative justice circles. I cannot give up hope that there is a way to come back together as a country in just the same way. But I must be willing to encounter the vulnerable humanity of the other (in a mutual and safe way) for us to find that way forward.

Can we create that possibility?



Does it blow my mind to imagine any possible reconciliation with a regime that seems to have utterly lost its mind?  Yes.

And yet, without believing that it is possible, it will never be sought.

Can you show me another way for this country to come back to something reasonably united?

I don't know that the US was ever greater than any other country.  I doubt it is healthy for any country to see itself as "the greatest" any way. But I can believe that the US could become one pretty great country among many again.  (There are a LOT of pretty great countries in the world other than the US. If that threatens your sense of identity, maybe take a look at why you need to see it that way.  Often it is the bullies that insist they are "the best," and that is to cover a sense of inferiority.)

I am embarrassed for our country right now. My feelings are a lot like those of a teenager out in public with loud, angry parents.  I want them to stop fighting. I no longer want to be associated with such a family.  I have lost respect for both mother and father. I just want to leave.

Except that this is the country of my birth. I can't chop off years of belonging and pride. I cannot jettison my affection no matter how much I try.  That is why this gong-show of a Presidency hurts so much.  (With apologies for those who do not see it as a gong-show. You are right. That name-calling is part of the problem.)

The US has the potential to be a force for good in the world.  The US can return to being a country worthy of respect if we simply never give up learning and trying---and admitting when we have screwed up.  We might have to get over ourselves a bit. There may be a big slice of humble pie waiting to be swallowed.  All I know is, I am willing to believe it is possible and NEVER GIVE UP.  How about y'all? Can we do this?

(I do hope God blesses America. America is not being much of a blessing in the world, that's for sure. Can we get that fixed?)

Do We Choose Fear or Love As Our Starting Point?

As the new warmth slowly relaxes and opens the soil, the buds, the hearts, and the faces around me, I am reflecting on two basic approaches to life: fear-based, and love-based.

Right away I can hear the fearful voices clamouring for why the fear-based approach is the needed, necessary, and only way to stay safe in life---the only way to protect ourselves from "other,"  "bad" people, so we can survive.

I want to give a nice, juicy, sedative-laden fly to that protective lizard-part of my brain, and put it back in its cage with a, "thank you for wanting to protect me." ("But shut-up. You're not helping").


It has long been known that anxiety and fear reduce our ability to think rationally and calmly.  To the extent that fear and anxiety are running in our beings, we regress to more primitive coping mechanisms.  We become younger, smaller, dumber, and more impulsive.  This is a deeply built-in evolutionary mechanism that is there to insure our physical survival.  It is literally our "lizard-brain" stepping up to keep us alive.

But so many situations today that may trigger our lizard brain are not about physical survival.  Something we love may feel threatened, but rarely is it a matter of life or death.

We MUST become more self-aware, so we can stay consciously present and non-reactive when something feels threatened, so that we can make (more ) rational choices.  We MUST cultivate an attitude of love, so that our hearts can remain open.

This lizard-brain perspective currently seems to have a strong emotional lobby group on the planet just now, especially in north America.  Just look at the NRA and their message of what is needed, and how emotional it is.  Just at a glance, would you say their insistence on guns and MORE guns is fear-based, or love-based?  Would you say their perspective makes the planet a better, kinder, more reasonable place; or a more segregated, fortress mentality, fearful place?

And which planet do I want to live on?  Which one do you want to live on?

For those who admire and follow Jesus, with his choice to stand and be crucified in his message for love, rather than going to war, where do we imagine Jesus would stand?  What message might he stand behind?

(Can you IMAGINE the United States turning the other cheek after 911 rather than going straight to war?  No.  I can't either.  But I can wish the possibility was even on the table.)

Have the good guys won yet?  Is war solving the problem?  When will we learn from Jesus' and Ghandi's (and Obi-wan Kenobi's, etc. etc.) examples?  Perhaps death of the body is not the worst thing?  Perhaps being personally attacked is not the worst thing?

As I try and try to understand the fearful rhetoric and divisive language, the shouting and blaming and stonewalling in the US AND the Canadian governments, I wonder what is at play in the world just now.  WHY are we so afraid?  And what can I do to make a difference toward DE-escalating the anxiety?


 In spiritual evolutionary theory, we must progress from a black/white, good/evil, linear and hierarchical (fear-based) model to an inclusive, cooperative, growth and healing (love-based) model --- so as to enter into greater wisdom, enlightenment, perspective and the ability to love wisely.  This is a progression, and the black/white model cannot imagine or fathom the inclusive model any more than a caterpillar can imagine being a butterfly.  It also feels threatened by the inclusive model.  It cannot imagine how the inclusive model will include it too.  But it will.  With love.

In any case I am choosing to stand for peace for one more day.  I am willing to be crucified (gossip, blame, hatred, contempt, character assassination) for one more day --- alongside so many other wise and loving souls.  

We are not alone in our stand for love.

We will never stop standing for love.

love always wins.
Rev Alison