He has relapsed so many times and been told he is killing himself so many times that he simply "doesn't care" any more. I suspect that the pain of his existence---the pain of his "failure"---weighs so heavily upon him that escape from that pain by any means, including death, seems far preferable than trying AGAIN to show up in his painful, broken existence, to pull himself back together again for ... what?
It is so easy to judge someone like that. It is so easy to assume that we, in his position, would do differently.
I wonder. Would we? Would I?
I DO know that western society used to judge (and many still do judge) hyperactivity, obesity, depression, alcoholism, homosexuality, and other politically incorrect human traits as spiritual and moral failings. But now we see them as inborn traits, some to be accepted as is, and some that may require medical and/or therapeutic support in "correcting" them. We have come a long way from telling a depressed and suicidal person to "pull up your socks and get it together!" We have come a long way from judging to hell someone who succeeds in a suicide attempt. Their life was already hell enough already anyway or they never would have gone that far.I have also seen myself be brought absolutely to my knees by life circumstances and what seemed like unbearable emotional pain. If I'd had the courage and opportunity, I would have killed myself. I certainly have repeatedly swan-dived into chocolate or ice cream or jelly beans or macaroni and cheese (etc) to escape the pain. That my method of escape from pain doesn't wreck my body as quickly or make me get in a car and kill someone is only a detail. It's a roll of the dice.
Here is my question: What if some traumas and circumstances truly are more that some people can handle? What if we just stop judging so much? What if the shame that drives us all to hide from each other and feel unlovable and abuse ourselves is a LIE?
"God never gives us more than we can handle" is a common platitude. Sometimes that message can give people the hope and chutzpah to get through a really tough time. But sometimes all it communicates is that if we are falling down and "failing" (nervous breakdown, poor choices, complete emotional freeze-up---you name it) WE are failures because "God is doing His part...." I heard a wise minister say and I fully agree with him, "Actually, God frequently allows people to go through more than they can handle; it is just never more than God can handle."
That new way of phrasing it helps me SO much.
I have frequently felt like I was being asked to deal with situations, traumas, and information that was far more than I could handle. I have broken down several times. I know many people who have had nervous breakdowns, and those breakdowns SAVED them from continuing to try to deal with things that were untenable and unmanageable, but shame and "shoulds" and fear of looking "broken" made them keep trying.
All I know is that I'm still standing, or back standing again, and it isn't because I've handled life superbly. It is thanks to just enough support at just the right times. It is thanks to the fact that I haven't died yet, and that the human body and spirit is astonishingly resilient and capable of healing. It is thanks to a good start, and many amazing people along the way and a decent mind that processes information pretty well. I have been in WAY over my head, but I keep being set back on my feet, so I will keep trying.
Can you even imaging God saying to that poor broken man when he finally stands before his Maker, "Well done, good and faithful servant," because he had far, far more than we can possibly imagine stacked up against him, and what he did really was his very best?
For those of us overwhelmed by shame, the very thought can bring us to our knees.
Go gently with yourself this day,
Alison
