The Union of Effort and Ease

The Union of Effort and Ease

For the past several months I have been job hunting.

Job hunting in New York City as a 54-year-old woman has been a lesson in powerlessness.

My first full day in New York I had an interview that went very well, and by the evening I was offered the job!  I brushed my hands together and thought, "Lucky me!  Mission accomplished! Where is that Staples Easy button?"

However, three weeks later I still had no communication from that employer, and after pursuit I found out that I wasn't hired after all, because that manager "had been told she wasn't allowed to hire anyone."  (I'm not sure what was going on there.  Weird.)

Fortunately I had continued sending out resumes, and did get other interviews, but nothing has resulted in a job.

So I got proactive, and started introducing myself to all the managers of the local Starbucks.  I learned their names and let them know I was wanting to work for them and to look for my name in the bank of resumes on the Starbucks hiring site.  This seemed to be greeted with enthusiasm and curiosity, which gave me hope.  I made sure my resume was fully updated and refreshed.

But ultimately, I was powerless.  Once I had done everything I could reasonably do, the rest had to be surrendered to the whims of chance.  This was made especially clear to me when, upon checking back in, the various managers all told me that my profile was "locked."  Apparently the original manager (that said I was hired my second day in the city) not only didn't have a job for me, she hadn't released my profile back into the Starbucks hiring pool.  She had made it impossible for any other Starbucks to hire me either!

I experienced a profound sense of helplessness when I heard that news---I was thrown into a profound narrative of victimization. "No matter what I do, the universe is against me.  I can do everything right and still experience no success.  Ultimately, I am powerless and helpless."

That is a terrible place to visit.

This tension between powerful and powerless is a deep and longstanding one in the human condition.  The twelve steps answers this tension by asking us to embrace our powerlessness.  It calls us into acceptance of all that we cannot control in life.  We are to tackle the things we can, but then let go of all that is beyond our control.  Ultimately, we are far less powerful than we would like to think, and acceptance of this fact can bring us tremendous peace.  It brings a sense of proportion to life and opens up a lot of forgiveness of ourselves and others.

It is the paradox embodied in yoga.  It is the paradox of life---to seek the union of things that seem diametrically opposed---strength and relaxation, taking action and surrendering, effort and ease.

Embracing my powerlessness actually gives me more genuine agency. Settling down to do what I can do and releasing all that is beyond me gives me much more peace of mind.

And so I realize that I am doing all I can.  I have focussed on three specific workplaces and done my research.  I have courted the managers, and honestly, I have been "hired" twice at one of my best choices, Starbucks. But I have yet to work a day, due to circumstances beyond my control.  Ugh.

I have done my part and am now utterly dependent on others, on technology, and on the whims of fate.  Acceptance of that and release of the outcomes is what brings peace.

If I am honest, life is pretty good. I have somewhere to live.  I have loving friends and family.  I have an education, enough to eat, and self-respect. That is more than a huge percentage of humans on this planet have. And I have the promise of a job, though every day of living without an income just sees the debt mounting.

Effort and ease.  Active and passive.  Do my part and let go of other people's part; which includes being at the mercy of those who are as human and flawed as I am.

Breathe and release.  No matter what comes my way, let it in and let it go again.

This is no easy spiritual "yoga pose"!  It is taking all I can do to stay present and keep breathing.  I want to be anywhere but here in this uncertainty and vulnerability.

Contentment lies just a few breaths away if I can just let it in.  Have I done all I can in this moment? Then I can let the struggle go.  Genuine contentment makes me more powerful.  Can I embrace that?  (I can, but will I?  Can I choose contentment in this moment?)

I will get back to you on that.

The Poetry of Life

I was discussing poetry with a dear friend many years ago.  It was a conversation that I have never forgotten.

When you hear it, maybe you will understand why.

I was asking her why she bothered to try to write structured poetry (she particularly likes the sonnet), when freestyle was so much easier.  (Though I don't write poetry often, when I do, it comes out freestyle.)   It seemed to me that she was choosing  unnecessary restrictions for her self expression, like choosing to run the Boston marathon with hobbles on or cooking dinner with one hand tied behind her back.

But she had a different perspective.  She said she enjoyed the challenge of the restrictions. She talked about wrestling for days, even weeks to find just the right turn of phrase.  She might know what she wanted to say, but the number of syllables or the way the rhythm of  the syllables fell in the phrase would not quite fit.  It demanded great patience and an extreme sort of discipline.  But when she persevered and waited for just the right combination of words to come to her, the feeling of triumph and joy was well worth the wait.  The very challenge of the discipline brought her a deep satisfaction.

Listening to her, I thought of bonsai.  I thought of extremely fine wines.  I thought of diamonds, and I began to realize how often things in life that look like restrictions, road-blocks, and annoying barriers lead in actuality to unique, creative, and beautiful outcomes.

I have returned for reflection to that conversation many times in the past ten years.  It has helped me when I am feeling impatient.  It has helped me when I am feeling deeply frustrated by "unnecessary" delays and "pointless" restrictions.  It has helped me.

I'm still not very patient, and I still much prefer freestyle when it comes to writing poetry.  But I am ALSO deeply grateful for Linda's ability to articulate why such challenging artistic expression delights her, and for her incredible patience and perseverance with her art.

Here is a taste of her poetry:

Twin Heresies  

by Linda Simonetti Odhner  10/4/03

He cried, God, why have You forsaken me? 

They must be One only as all are one,

Unless He called Himself mistakenly,

Seeing Himself like any father’s son.   

Faced with the Gospel’s puzzle, who would not

Turn from a monstrous triple-headed God,

The Word made human flesh too dearly bought

By union splintered into shards so odd?

The Christian Mystery is misconstrued

Not just from blind perverseness, but because

His coming turned existence inside out,

Stretched all the laws of order, madly skewed

Appearance, till all flesh of sin cried out:

This Child cannot be born!  And yet He was.