The Union of Effort and Ease

The Union of Effort and Ease

For the past several months I have been job hunting.

Job hunting in New York City as a 54-year-old woman has been a lesson in powerlessness.

My first full day in New York I had an interview that went very well, and by the evening I was offered the job!  I brushed my hands together and thought, "Lucky me!  Mission accomplished! Where is that Staples Easy button?"

However, three weeks later I still had no communication from that employer, and after pursuit I found out that I wasn't hired after all, because that manager "had been told she wasn't allowed to hire anyone."  (I'm not sure what was going on there.  Weird.)

Fortunately I had continued sending out resumes, and did get other interviews, but nothing has resulted in a job.

So I got proactive, and started introducing myself to all the managers of the local Starbucks.  I learned their names and let them know I was wanting to work for them and to look for my name in the bank of resumes on the Starbucks hiring site.  This seemed to be greeted with enthusiasm and curiosity, which gave me hope.  I made sure my resume was fully updated and refreshed.

But ultimately, I was powerless.  Once I had done everything I could reasonably do, the rest had to be surrendered to the whims of chance.  This was made especially clear to me when, upon checking back in, the various managers all told me that my profile was "locked."  Apparently the original manager (that said I was hired my second day in the city) not only didn't have a job for me, she hadn't released my profile back into the Starbucks hiring pool.  She had made it impossible for any other Starbucks to hire me either!

I experienced a profound sense of helplessness when I heard that news---I was thrown into a profound narrative of victimization. "No matter what I do, the universe is against me.  I can do everything right and still experience no success.  Ultimately, I am powerless and helpless."

That is a terrible place to visit.

This tension between powerful and powerless is a deep and longstanding one in the human condition.  The twelve steps answers this tension by asking us to embrace our powerlessness.  It calls us into acceptance of all that we cannot control in life.  We are to tackle the things we can, but then let go of all that is beyond our control.  Ultimately, we are far less powerful than we would like to think, and acceptance of this fact can bring us tremendous peace.  It brings a sense of proportion to life and opens up a lot of forgiveness of ourselves and others.

It is the paradox embodied in yoga.  It is the paradox of life---to seek the union of things that seem diametrically opposed---strength and relaxation, taking action and surrendering, effort and ease.

Embracing my powerlessness actually gives me more genuine agency. Settling down to do what I can do and releasing all that is beyond me gives me much more peace of mind.

And so I realize that I am doing all I can.  I have focussed on three specific workplaces and done my research.  I have courted the managers, and honestly, I have been "hired" twice at one of my best choices, Starbucks. But I have yet to work a day, due to circumstances beyond my control.  Ugh.

I have done my part and am now utterly dependent on others, on technology, and on the whims of fate.  Acceptance of that and release of the outcomes is what brings peace.

If I am honest, life is pretty good. I have somewhere to live.  I have loving friends and family.  I have an education, enough to eat, and self-respect. That is more than a huge percentage of humans on this planet have. And I have the promise of a job, though every day of living without an income just sees the debt mounting.

Effort and ease.  Active and passive.  Do my part and let go of other people's part; which includes being at the mercy of those who are as human and flawed as I am.

Breathe and release.  No matter what comes my way, let it in and let it go again.

This is no easy spiritual "yoga pose"!  It is taking all I can do to stay present and keep breathing.  I want to be anywhere but here in this uncertainty and vulnerability.

Contentment lies just a few breaths away if I can just let it in.  Have I done all I can in this moment? Then I can let the struggle go.  Genuine contentment makes me more powerful.  Can I embrace that?  (I can, but will I?  Can I choose contentment in this moment?)

I will get back to you on that.

Life Breathes Us

I encountered a concept several years ago in a yoga class.
It is that life breathes us.

Life breathes us?

As a hyper-responsible, if-life-isn't-perfect-it is-all-my-fault sort of personality type, this was a whole new way of looking at things.

Life breathes me?  How---uh-----mind boggling.  How very "one-hand-clapping" to my personality type.

Cool.

As I lay in Shivasana and breathed, I recalled how hard it is to stop breathing.  I have heard that it is impossible to kill oneself by simply stopping breathing, for the instant one passes out, the breath rushes in again.  


Huh.


This implies that the life force is stronger than my will, which may seem obvious to you, but seemed like a whole new concept to me.  


It is one more, "I am not that powerful" message that is helpful to hear as I find myself once again struggling to figure out why life can be so hard and what I did wrong to deserve such struggle.  "You mean, maybe it's not my fault?  Maybe it is simply that s#!t happens?  Maybe I can channel some of this wasted blaming and analyzing energy into coping and recovering?  Awesome!"  (I have learned this before.  Why is it so easy to forget?)


Despite how things keep NOT looking the way I think they should, LIFE is still choosing me.  Life is breathing me.  Something about that thought is deeply comforting to me.  I am simply not so powerful as to have much control about it all.


It is also a massive contradiction to a core life-story element. Okay, so my parents weren't thrilled to get a girl, but LIFE chose me anyway.  I am here. And from time to time, I get a glimpse that I can be a powerful force for good.  Despite ignorance, clumsiness, cluelessness, awkwardness, and a whole host of other "-ness"es, I was breathed into existence and there is a plan for me. 


It helps.


And if you are reading this, I assume you are breathing, which means life is breathing YOU too, for good reason and good purpose.

Amen!