Reflections on the left and right hemispheres - or, "Does God Live in our Right Hemisphere? Part 1

         I had the privilege of hearing Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor speak live, here in Kitchener. I have been reading her book and thinking a lot about the relationship between our left and right cerebral hemispheres ever since.

         Jill has personal, lived experience about the different consciousnesses of our two hemispheres. She suffered a massive stroke at age 36, from which it took many years to recover. Her observations and reflections on this experience are priceless.

         (I strongly recommend buying and reading the whole book, but this chapter bowls me right over. All bold text is my emphasis) Stroke of Insight/Jill Bolte Taylor

"My Stroke of Insight"  - Chapter 15:

"Having taken this unexpected journey into the depths of my brain, I am grateful and amazed that I have com­pletely recovered physically, cognitively, emotionally, and spiritually. Over the years, the recovery of my left hemisphere skills has been tremendously challenging for many different reasons. When I lost the function of my left brain's neurological networks, I lost not only function but also a variety of personality characteristics that were apparently associated with those circuits of aptitude. Recovering cells of function that were anatomically linked to a lifetime of emotional reac­tivity and negative thinking has been a mind-opening experi­ence. Although I wanted to regain my left hemisphere skills, I must say that there were personality traits that tried to rise from the ashes of my left mind that, quite frankly, were no longer acceptable to my right hemispheric sense of who I now wanted to be. From both a neuroanatomical and psycho­logical perspective, I have had a fascinating few years.       

          "The question I faced over and over again was, Do I have to regain the affect, emotion, or personality trait that was neurologically linked to the memory or ability that I wanted to recover? For instance, would it be possible for me to recover my perception of my self, where I exist as a single, solid, separate from the whole, without recovering the cells associated with my egotism, intense desire to be argumentative, need to be right, or fear of separation and death? Could I value money without hooking into the neurological loops of lack, greed, or selfishness? Could I regain my personal power in the world, play the game of hierarchy, and yet not lose my sense of corn-passion or perception of equality among all people? Could I reengage with my family and not hook into my issues related to being a little sister? Most important, could I retain my new-found sense of connection with the universe in the presence of my left hemisphere's individuality?

          "I wondered how much of my newly found right hemi­sphere consciousness, set of values, and resultant personality I would have to sacrifice in order to recover the skills of my left mind. I didn't want to lose my connection to the universe. I didn't want to experience myself as a solid separate from everything. I didn't want my mind to spin so fast that I was no longer in touch with my authenticself.  Frankly, I didn't want to give up Nirvana. What price would my right hemi­sphere consciousness have to pay so I could once again be judged as normal?

          "Modern neuroscientists seem satisfied intellectualizing about the functional asymmetries of our two hemispheres from a neurological perspective, but there has been minimal conversation pertaining to the psychological or personality differences contained within these two structures. Most com­monly, the character of our right mind has been ridiculed and portrayed in an extremely unflattering light, simply because it does not understand verbal language or comprehend linear thought. In the case of the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde analogy, our right hemisphere personality is depicted as an uncontrollable, potentially violent, moronic, rather despicable ignoramus, which is not even conscious, and without whom we would probably be better off! In vast contrast, our left mind has routinely been touted as linguistic, sequential, methodical, rational, smart, and the seat of our consciousness.

          "Prior to this experience with stroke, the cells in my left hemisphere had been capable of dominating the cells in my right hemisphere. The judging and analytical character in my left mind dominated my personality. When I experienced the hemorrhage and lost my left hemisphere language center cells that defined my self, those cells could no longer inhibit the cells in my right mind. As a result, I have gained a clear delineation of the two very distinct characters cohabiting my cra­nium. The two halves of my brain don't just perceive and think in different ways at a neurological level, but they demon­strate very different values based upon the types of informa­tion they perceive, and thus exhibit very different personalities. My stroke of insight is that at the core of my right hemisphere consciousness is a character that is directly connected to my feeling of deep inner peace. It is completely committed to the expression of peace, love, joy, and compassion in the world.

         

To be continued.....
http://drjilltaylor.com/book.html

Love is How We Behave, Not Just How We Feel

Love is shown in how we act

Love, love love.  "All we need is love." 

All of that is really true.

That is the simplicity of it.  Love really does make the world go round.

It is so simple.

So why is it so hard?

"I love you mommy!"  (But don't ask me to help with the dishes.)  "I love you Canada!"  (But I'm going to cheat on my taxes.)  "I love you, dear old neighbours!" (But I'm not going to go out and shovel your driveway in a snowstorm, even if you are eighty years old....)

No, I'm not writing this to say we have to help everyone all the time.  Society is filled with need.  It is also made up of over-doers and under-functioners.  The last thing I want is for the over-doers to feel even more guilty and over-do even more.

But I am calling for self-reflection and balance.  We all have to balance our resources, making sure we get recharged and replenished so that we have something to give.  Also, it can be a wise thing sometimes NOT to rescue someone from a difficulty, if their facing that difficulty motivates them to deal with the underlying causes.  Helping those in need is both a simple and a complex and nuanced thing

I am, however, pointing to the all-too-common disconnect between warm and fuzzy feelings and what we are willing to DO in response to them.

Do I love my health if I neglect my sleep, my diet, and my exercise?  Does someone love their marriage who constantly neglects it?  Speaking as a chronic over-functioner, do I really love my neighbour if I work myself to exhaustion and have nothing left to give?

What we love and what we truly value shows up not so much in what we feel in the moment or even in what we claim.  What we REALLY love shows up in how we act.  I can have all the loving feelings in the world, but if I don't act according to that love, what good is it?

This reminds me of the comparison of one's spoken theology to one's lived theology.  If you want to know what someone has been taught to believe, then ask them what they believe.   If you want to know what someone really believes, then look at how they live.

As for me, I may I say I believe in a loving, generous God, while how I live might be inwardly and outwardly judgmental and stingy.  I may say God loves me, but I might be running negative and deeply self-critical thoughts, and be repeatedly beating myself up.

To make the needed adjustments, I need first to see the big disconnect between my words and behaviour.

So lately I'm noticing that, while I believe in a loving, generous God, I also have a deep fear of there not being enough.   (Not enough love, not enough time, not enough money, not enough resources, not enough kindness....)  Too often, my fear of lack drives my decisions.  And the current world-wide anxiety about our financial systems isn't helping that.  I am as prone as the next person to absorbing and reflecting that fearful, withholding energy.

But what happens when we all get fearful and withholding?  Do I want to contribute to a world like that?  Am I willing to risk some security in order to "be the change I wish to see in the world"?  (Thanks, Ghandi. Great idea.)

I must re-ask myself that every day that I awake.  Today, am I willing to live in the world I desire or in the world I fear?

"Believing that human evil is a power of its own apart from God’s goodness brings about the stuck ego behaviour that people consider bad, while trusting that we are inherently innocent from god brings about organic transformation to loving behaviour that feels good."   Kara Tennis

Let us live the love that we are!

Alison Longstaff

Writing Can Save the day

Writing to Save the Day  

"Writing can be a true spiritual discipline. Writing can help us to concentrate, to get in touch with the deeper stirrings of our hearts, to clarify our minds, to process confusing emotions, to reflect on our experiences, to give artistic expression to what we are living, and to store significant events in our memories. Writing can also be good for others who might read what we write.

Quite often a difficult, painful, or frustrating day can be 'redeemed' by writing about it. By writing we can claim what we have lived and thus integrate it more fully into our journeys. Then writing can become lifesaving for us and sometimes for others too."

by Henri Nouwen

Gratitude

Gratitude

No more words to be said on this....

Now go out and see life with new eyes, and be blessed.

Alison

Withholding, Fear, and One Cause of Suffering

The opposite of love is not hate, it is FEAR.  

Let me say that again.

The opposite of love is not hate, it is fear.

Think about Love.

Love opens us up.  It creates warmth, expansiveness, trust, and generousity.  It gives without holding back.  Its whole intention is to give happiness and blessedness, relief and comfort to another.  It shows up without fear or reservation.  It is exemplified in the life of Jesus (among others), giving without reserve, giving everything, even one's very life.

Now think about fear.

Fear shuts us down and closes us up. Fear pulls inward, retracts, and withholds. Fear rejects, invalidates, minimizes, and turns its back. At best, fear shutters the windows, locks the door, and hangs out the "Closed" sign.  At worst it attacks.

So why do we so often choose fear over love?

Why do we withhold love from one another?

Why do we withhold resources, service, respect, and privileges?

Honestly?  Why?

Why do we create class systems everywhere we go?  (Don't kid yourself, North America has classes, and yes, we are ranked worthy or unworthy based on our status---primarily based on wealth.)

What are we so afraid of?

Honestly, there is PLENTY to go around on this planet, but the resources are all squirreled up and held by a handful of people to the detriment of many.  And the less we think there is, the more we all withhold.  And the more we all withhold, the less there is.

God has more than enough love and we all come from God, but somehow we choke love off so there isn't enough to go around.  Why do we do that?

FEAR is sometimes given the Acronym, False Evidence Appearing Real.

While fear can serve some very good purposes, it also can be a treacherous ally.  It shuts down life in the name of safety.

Where there is generosity, there is bounty.  Period.  When ALL are generous, there is bounty.

But when we are all stuck believing that there isn't enough, we all start withholding and stockpiling.  It is FALSE that there is not enough.

And if I'm holding onto mine until you let go of yours, we will never get anywhere.

We have all suffered from the withholding of love.  We see suffering everywhere from the withholding of resources (medical services, adequate support, education, you name it).  We have all suffered.

When will we decide that there is more than enough and start opening up the floodgates again?  For if I give freely to you, will you not relax and begin to give freely too?

Open the floodgates!

Just some thoughts, borne of frustration.

Alison

"Open Yourself to the First Love"

Open Yourself to the First Love

"You have been speaking a lot about dying to old attachments in order to enter the new place, where God is waiting for you. But it is possible to end up with too many noes—no to your former way of thinking and feeling, no to things you did in the past, and most of all, no to human relationships that were once precious and life-giving. You are setting up a spiritual battle full of noes, and you work yourself to despair when you realize how hard it seems, if not impossible, to cut yourself off from the past.

The love that came to you in particular, concrete human friendships and that awakened your dormant desire to be completely and unconditionally loved was real and authentic. It does not have to be denied as dangerous and idolatrous. A love that comes to you through human beings is true, God-given love and needs to be celebrated as such. When human friendships prove to be unlivable because you demand that your friends love you in ways that are beyond human capacity, you do not have to deny the reality of the love you received. When you try to die to that love in order to find God's love, you are doing something God does not want. The task is not to die to life-giving relationships but to realize that the love you received in them is part of a greater love.

God has given you a beautiful self. There God dwells and loves you with the first love, which pre­cedes all human love. You carry your own beautiful, deeply loved self in your heart. You can and must hold on to the truth of the love you were given and recognize that same love in others who see your goodness and love you.

So stop trying to die to the particular real love you have received. Be grateful for it and see it as what enabled you to open yourself to God's first love."

Henri Nouwen – The Inner Voice of Love, pp28-29

"You Are Not Wrong" or Reflections of the Bottomless Pit of Shame

You Are Not Wrong

A favourite mantra of mine, a line given me by therapist Mark R. Carlson is: "There are no throw-away people. There are no throw-away people.  There are no throw-away people."

A deep core fear for many of us is that we are not good enough.  It doesn't matter what childhood wounds you did or didn't get, or what privileges you do or don't have.  Deep down, most of us are terrified that we don't deserve love, life, joy, fulfillment.... You name it.

I can get very clear that someone else is worthy and deserving.  Place this or that shining soul in front of me and I have no doubt.  But when it comes to me....  I am just as terrified as the next one.  "I am too broken.  I was born too broken.  I am a failure."

I have recently been exploring my personal "bottomless pit of shame."  I seem to have a free-fall mechanism.  Push the right button and I swan-dive into self-loathing.  There doesn't even seem to be a choice-point.  One minute I am fine, the next I think I don't deserve to live.  

To quote from a beloved movie, The Emperor's New Groove: "Pull the lever Kronk!" (Splash!) "Wrong lever!" (Scrambles out dripping with a crocodile attached to her skirt.) "Why do we even have that lever?!"  

Exactly.

Why do I even have that lever?!

Even realizing I have that lever can pull the lever.  Sploosh!  "I am an idiot.  I should die.  No one could possibly love me now...."

So I am kicking off the latest clinging batch of crocodiles and observing the mechanism.  I am working on posting a sign, "Wrong lever!" on it.  After all, it is the lever of "wrong-being."  It is the switch that gets thrown when I am thrown into my terror of essential wrongness.  

"There are no throw-away people.  There are no throw-away people.  There are no throw-away people."

So, I really believe that!  I really do, especially when it comes to others, and I'm working on transferring that same clarity back to myself.

I am also hoping like crazy my kids managed to escape that particular inner dynamic, but I do know that bucketloads of folks my age and up have it.  So that's who I am speaking to.  (Or if you want to be correct, "That is to whom I am speaking," said with appropriate somber face and slight British accent.)

"So folks, if you direct your eyes to the right, we have the Bottomless Pit of Shame, or Essential Wrong-Being."  

Honestly, most of the time I ignore it like the plague.  Some groups and mind-sets want me to paint a smiley face on it and pretend it isn't there.  But since that hasn't ever worked for me, I am now studying it.  I am looking at it from all sides and seeing what I can learn.  

I have actually had a moment of clarity right on the lip of the pit.   I had a moment when I thought I had been a public ass and everybody saw it.  I was fixing to do my best triple flip into the muck, and an incredibly intuitive and wise soul stepped up next to me and said something that made me pause.  I stood there, staring down, feeling the tug of the gravity, and didn't jump.

I felt the terror, but didn't fall.  

That was when I realized that I might one day develop the ability to choose not to pull that lever.  (Okay, yes.  I'm mixing metaphors.  We've got levers and crocodiles, jumping, and diving and falling, pits and muck.  I'm just assuming y'all can follow where I'm going.)

I am working on remembering that I don't belong there.

My point is:  If there are no throw-away people, NOBODY deserves to be in that pit.  Nobody.  Nobody deserves to live in the fear of being too broken, or too essentially WRONG to deserve to be part of life.  Nobody.

Period.

Perhaps that is why so many of us cling to a need to be right so intensely?  We are so terrified of being WRONG?  Life is never about being right, but about being loving, eh?  But so many of us get trapped in the need to be right.  If it is a misguided way to avoid the bottomless pit of shame, I can understand getting trapped there.  It doesn't work, but I can understand it.

If we are still lovable even when we make mistakes; if we are still lovable even when we harbour misinformation, then we have nothing to be afraid of.  And we are more likely to learn and course-correct faster if we aren't afraid of seeing where we are mistaken.  There is no need to dive into shame if we make a mistake.

Because LOVE will catch us every time we fall.  So I'm committed to living with less fear of being wrong.  After all, when we remember that LOVE will catch us every time we fall, we will be less afraid to make courageous leaps into a more joyful, less fearful life. 

Who's with me?

Love and hugs, Alison