The Black Hole

The Black Hole

Today I am going to talk about it.
Today I am going to speak about a part of my reality that has been tagging along at my heels since I was a kid.

I struggle with depression.  I am tired of struggling with depression, but being tired of it doesn't make it go away.

This past winter and spring have been particularly rough, and that is why it is in the front of my mind.  I am also proof-reading a manuscript by a fellow minister, who is also a fellow sufferer of depression and who is writing a devotional particularly written for those of us who live with depression.  In his manuscript, he aptly refers to depression as a black hole. 

Depression sucks.  Like a black hole, it draws everything inexorably and relentlessly into it, and utterly negates it.  This definition of a black hole pretty well describes depression.  It is from the same website from which I borrowed this photo.
"The field of gravity around a black hole is so immense that it swallows everything in its reach; not even light can escape its grip. For that reason, black holes are just that –emitting no light whatsoever, their "nothingness" blends into the black void of the universe. "
http://www.zeitnews.org/space-science/scientists-gear-up-to-take-a-picture-of-a-black-hole.html

Nothing can escape.  No light whatesoever.  Those are pretty extreme descriptions of a mood.  They sound melodramatic.  I know that when I am doing well, I will find that description of depression melodramatic.  I will want to minimize it.  "Oh, well.  It isn't all that bad."

That is from my own self, who has been battling a recurrence of depression for over eight weeks now.  From one whose first thought nearly every day is, "I just want to die."

I think denying  depression's awfulness helps me feel like I have some power over it.  I think denying depression's awfulness helps me pretend the darkness isn't so dark---it helps me feel less afraid of its absolute darkness and relentless power.

Have you read Harry Potter?  The flying, evil creatures called "dementors" epitomize depression.  Their weapon is a kiss---a kiss which sucks one's life away until there is nothing left but a shell, dead-eyed and motionless.  JK Rowling knows depression, and anyone who reads these stories and has struggled with it recognizes it too.

There are two ways to battle dementors.  One is with chocolate. (Well, duh!  Of course it is!)

The other is the summoning of a "patronus."  You can decide for yourself what that represents, but for me it is guardian angel energy and ones inner strength.  Someone else can summon their own on your behalf, but the best trick of all is to learn to summon ones own.  Summoning one's own patronus, or guardian angel, or inner strength, takes LOTS of practice and is the most difficult to do in the face of an immediate dementor attack.  Harry manages it for the first time to save a friend.  He has a much harder time summoning one on his own behalf.  Sound familiar?

I have to tell you, there is something about having depression characterized in a storybook, and having those characters have some tools to battle depression that helps me feel a bit more hopeful.

I can laugh when my best friend brings me chocolate with understanding in her eyes.  I have not one inkling of judgment when another friend downs two bars of Lindt 72% dark in a half hour.  I simply understand the effects of a close encounter.  I cannot judge, because I recognize that desperate emptiness.  I have been there too.

Honestly.  Isn't it time dark chocolate was covered under OHIP?

Wow.  Well writing this has pushed the current batch of dementors back a bit.  Humour and friendship, non-judgment and unconditional love all make a difference.  The support of friends is huge.  But as for finding my own patronus?  I'm not there yet. But I can tell you that writing is somehow connected to it

Thank you for listening.

Alison

For support and comfort and information on depression and other forms of mental illness, look at http://www.itsmyturnmovement.org/site/  and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wWHH1iWq3A.
My personal story is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i4U0jYFf-Ng&feature=related

Addendum 2019: I can now summon a corporeal patronus. ;) https://alisonlongstaffmoore.blogspot.com/2019/10/teaching-defence-against-dark-arts-to.html