Object Relations Theory, or The Continuous Birth of the Human Heart

The Continuous Birth of the Human Heart

As I limp through these post-Easter days, I am reflecting on the concept of rebirth.
I am particularly thinking about spiritual or emotional rebirth, or the birth of a new paradigm or way of being on the planet.
I am thinking about this because I feel like I am stuck in a womb.  I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough, but I have no idea "into what" or how to prepare; if I am still gestating or if I am actually stuck in a psychic birth canal.

Anybody got some forceps?

I feel like I am nearing the finish line, but it is too soon to sprint;  like I am in transition, but it is too soon to push.  Spring may be around the corner, but I haven't reached the corner yet.

Anyway....

So while we are waiting, let me tell you about Robert Kegan's spin on "object relations theory."
"Who? On object- what?"
Robert Kegan on ....   Never mind.

Just tell me if this resonates with you:
Our personal growth (meaning psychological or spiritual growth) mirrors physical gestation and birth, and happens repeatedly as we grow.
So our spiritual/emotional journey goes something like this:

1. We make a breakthrough (birth).  Sometimes this breakthrough opens up a whole new, enormous, intimidating world (picture the flailing, crying newborn).  Sometimes we want to run back to an old way that is familiar and safe (this new place feels out of control and we prefer to feel contained and cocooned).  Other times we feel utterly relieved and filled with joy at the new possibilities (the womb was tight and cramped and we couldn't move at all.  Now we have freedom).
2. We grow accustomed to the new reality.  We adapt to the new reality and settle in.  When we have a challenge, we sort it out (cry in hunger; food shows up).  It's all good.  There's seems to be endless possibility; so many things to explore.
3. Then we begin to experience some frustration. We begin to encounter limitations.  We have desires that we cannot satisfy as quickly as we'd like (we can't reach the toy; can't follow mommy; can't make mommy/daddy come right away).
4. And finally, our limitations become increasingly bothersome.  We begin to feel trapped by our limitations (can't crawl/walk/communicate). This is also the equivalent of us reaching our full gestation and becoming cramped in the womb.  We may have a sense of the potential that lies beyond, if we can simply break out of our current, still nurturing, familiar reality.  Depending on where we are in our spiritual growth, we may feel a growing anxiety and tension.  We are afraid to move on, and yet we realize that we cannot stay in the current environment.  But if we hesitate, the current reality itself may withdraw support and push us to move on.
5. We take that next step and, whoosh!  A breakthrough!  And from cramped, dying, obsolete ways of thinking, we flounder into a much bigger paradigm with much wider freedom and possibility.  Woohoo!

And the whole process starts over again.

"You must be born again."
...and again,
and again,
and again....
This is my experience of life, anyway.
This is my experience of working to become a wiser, kinder, more skilled, more adept, more deeply compassionate, and more playful human being.

Is it like that for you?

Where are you in the birth cycle?  Newly freed?  Content?  Slightly frustrated?

Squashed and ready for a breakthrough?

That last one?  That's me.

Oh, where does object relations theory fit in here?
It is only after we have made the break-through; it is only after we have acclimatized to the new paradigm, that we can look back on the old paradigm and see it for what is was.  Like an old tricycle, once we have learned to ride a two-wheeler, we may have a fondness for it, but we cannot imagine going back.  We might ride it from time-to-time in play, but it gets increasingly awkward the longer grow our limbs.

The caterpillar cannot imagine being a butterfly, but the butterfly can remember being a caterpillar.

Or, we can only understand a world view when we can see it objectively.  We cannot have an objective relationship with it while it still enfolds us.

That's my mini-lecture on object relations theory.

Thanks for listening!