Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts

Thursday, August 15, 2013

All Things New

All Things New - a sermon

August 11, 2013 at 9:38pm
Rev. Alison Longstaff, Aug 9, 2013
Bath Church of the New Jerusalem, Maine
Scriptures: Luke 15: 1-10, Revelation 21: 1-7, Apocalypse Explained 675:10
These readings can be found at the end of this document, if desired.

Our text for today is, “Behold, I make all things new.” This is not just an observation in the voice of God.  This is a promise.  It is the same promise that gave birth to the resurrection of our Lord---the promise that nothing good ever truly dies.  No aspect of God’s love can ever cease to exist in any way.  It simply can’t.  The Love of God is the only reality and created all things, so every aspect and face of that love continues.  Death itself is an illusion.  Yes, the death of beloved time periods, of beloved relationships and institutions, and most especially of family and friends is a very real and painful part of mortal existence.  But mortal existence is not the end of the story.  It is just the prologue to a much bigger story. 
In the bigger story nothing good ever dies.  Jesus showed us this in the most profound way, and we see the theme recurring in many popular stories today: with Aslan, with Obi-wan Kenobi, with Gandalf, and yes, absolutely with Harry Potter.  The truth of this fact appears again and again: all that is truly wise and loving can never actually be killed, no matter how strong the forces of evil may seem to be.  Love wins, every time, by force of gentleness and persistence.  It can seem to die, and the loss is terrible at the time.  But it always returns transformed and more powerful than ever. All things can be made new. 

In preparing to come for this visit, I was emailing with Rev. George about the way candidating for a congregation feels a bit like dating.  George responded uncertainly, saying that that cast him in the role of the protective parent, with which role he wasn't thrilled.  I kept chewing on that metaphor, and my thoughts turned to, “Actually, George is more like the “ex…” except he is also supporting the congregation in finding the replacement spouse...  And the metaphor just got weirder after that.

I was left wondering if there is any metaphor that serves to describe the dance we are enjoying together this weekend?  This is indeed something like a first date.  A ministerial candidate could perhaps be seen to be something like a prospective adoptive parent?  Or even a step-mom?  But wouldn’t that make me “wicked?”  

No, this friendly looking-one-another-over keeps feeling like a mutual courtship.  It is somehow more than a job interview, due to the intimacy of the prospective relationship.  But it is not as intense and far reaching as a marriage proposal.  The pastor-parish relationship is somehow something unique in the world.  We are indeed here this weekend exploring the possibility of a committed relationship---one in which we all bring our individual strengths to the game and call out the best from each other.  This is not just a job interview.  Pastoring a church is so much more than a job.  It has a peculiar blending of civil and spiritual, of practical and mystical, of human and divine.  It is a sobering undertaking.  It is serious, and real, and weighty. 

As I sat down to reflect on the transition Bath is facing, I was flooded with images from the movie “Truly, Madly, Deeply.”  In it British actress Juliet Stevenson gives us a touching look at a newly widowed young woman trying desperately to reconcile herself to the loss of her husband.   We see intense grief. She has lost a best friend, a companion, half of her piano-cello duet; she has lost her life in so many ways, and the only way forward is through her grief.  It is a poignant, endearing, and tenderly told story of loss and new life, and in no way minimizes the real work involved in releasing the old to make room for the new.

When she gets stuck in the grief, her husband’s ghost, played tenderly by Alan Rickman, moves back into the flat with her.  Her joy and relief is palpable.  They cuddle and laugh and play music together the way they used to.  It seems idyllic at first, except for the awkward fact that he is dead and no one else can see him.  As the story goes on, she must continue to eat and sleep and go to work the way mortals do, while he grows paler and colder and increasingly lonely. He keeps turning up the heat to warm himself. And he invites hoards of ghost-friends over to keep him company while she is at work or when she is trying to sleep.  It becomes noisier and increasingly crowded in her flat.  Then he starts redecorating.  
She is less and less delighted.

Then a dear and very alive gentleman comes into her life.  Finally, she accepts his friendship.  When she heads off on a date with this new gentleman, we see her ghost-husband, surrounded by a host of his spectral buddies watching her go with a wistful grimace of satisfaction, that we realize he has been intentionally making himself a nuisance all along in order help her get over him.  That is how truly, madly, and deeply he loved her.

And this is where the Bath church’s story departs from the movie-plot, for beloved Rev. George is very much alive, and I don’t think he is capable of being a nuisance, even if he tried.  Still, there are several points of resonance.  George loves this church deeply, and wants with his whole heart to see you move forward in good hands.  Also, no matter who steps forward to lead you from this point on, there will be grief for the loss of what
has been.  To lose George as your leader is a loss indeed, and I want to acknowledge that the coming years will include sadness and nostalgia for Rev. George’s leadership-style.  Anyone who follows in his footsteps has the unmistakable disadvantage of not being him, with his gentleness, wise insights, and deep love of the doctrines.  Leave space for this sadness.  Try not to take it out on your new leader, nor on each other.  You are very blessed here, in that I suspect that George will be able to remain around as a mentoring and helping presence without conflict for your new leader, but bear in mind, there will still be pangs of loss.  There will be bumps in the transition.  Go gently with each other. Transformation is the end in sight and the promise, but transition is uncomfortable, and some grumpiness is inevitable.

“Behold, I make all things new,” is God’s promise to lead you into transformation, growth,and new life.  New life always involves a death of the old, but it need not mean irreparable loss nor a rapid change to something unrecognizable.  It need not nor should it leave anyone behind.  Every congregation goes through life cycles, and the Bath Church of the New Jerusalem is at a key point in its journey---you are primed to burst into new growth. 

The Lord can make this tiny congregation new.  God’s promise includes “everything,” as we read in today’s reading from Apocalypse Explained.  But one must sweep the house to find what is needed.  Our story from Luke does not say that the woman hesitated to sweep, or feared what she would find if she swept.  She didn't question whether she was worthy to be the mistress of all she would find or if she knew enough truth first.  She simply lit a candle, which means she brought her best love to light the way, and she swept house diligently.  She cleaned spiritual house, because that is the only way to find what was lost.  Apocalypse Explained says that “sweeping the house means to review everything inside one’s being, where the truth lies hidden.”  The truth lies hidden within one’s being, not outside of it.  This is speaking about the manna or goodness that God has tucked away inside each of us and inside this congregation.  It is saying that this congregation already has all it needs inside its gifts and strengths, to become what God intends. You already are and have all that you need, should you choose the path to growth.

“Behold, I make all things new,” says our Lord.  Now it is your time to grow!  Bring your best love, and get sweeping.  You will find you already have what it takes within you.  Congratulations on your courage to make this transition, and blessings as you go forward.  Thank you for the privilege of meeting you,and please know that no matter whom you choose as your new leader, I am sure good things lie ahead.  Fear not.
Amen.

The Readings:
Using the Inclusive Bible by Priests for Equality:
Luke 15: 1-10 Meanwhile the tax collectors and the “sinners” were all gathering around Jesus to listen to His teaching, at which the Pharisees and the religious scholars murmured, “This person welcomes sinners and eats with them.”Then Jesus addressed this parable to them:  “Who among you, having a hundred sheep, and losing one of them, doesn’t leave the ninety-nine in open pasture, and search for the lost one until it’s found? And finding it, you put the sheep on your shoulders in jubilation. Once home, you invite friends and neighbors in and say to them, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep!’ I tell you, in the same way there will be more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over ninety-nine righteous people who have no need to repent.  “What householder, who has ten silver pieces and loses one, doesn’t light a lamp and sweep the house in a diligent until she finds what she has lost? And when it is found, the householder calls in her friends and neighbors and says, ‘Rejoice with me!  I have found the silver piece I lost!’ 10 I tell you, there will be the same kind of joy before the angels of God over one repentant sinner.”

Rev 21: 1-7 Then I saw new heavens and a new earth, for the former heavens and the former earth had passed away, and the sea existed no longer. Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, as beautiful as a bride prepared for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne, “Look, the tabernacle of God is among humankind,and God will abide with them, and they shall be God’s people. God will be fully present among them. The Most High will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.” Then the One who sat on the throne said, “See, I make all things new;” and added, “Write; for these words are trustworthy and true.” And that One continued, “It is finished. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To those who thirst I will give drink freely of the spring of the water of life. This is the rightful inheritance of those who overcome. I will be their God and they shall be My daughters and sons.

From The Apocalypse Explained by Emanuel Swedenborg, paragraph # 675:10 
Ten signifies “a whole lot” and “everything.” Because of this, the number ten appears in passages where “a whole lot”and “everything” is to be understood, such as the story of the woman having ten pieces of silver. If she lost one piece, would she not light a candle and sweep the house, and seek carefully till she found it? (Luke xv. 8). Ten here signifies “everything.” There is spiritual meaning in every detail of the Word.In the spiritual meaning, “woman” signifies “the church” regarding its love for truth. A “piece of silver” stands for truth, and losing the piece of silver is about losing one’s understanding of the truth. Lighting a candle corresponds to self-examination from affection; sweeping the house means to review everything inside one’s being, where the truth lies hidden. This is the spiritual meaning of these words. A hundred, like ten, also signifies everything; therefore a similar parable speaks of a hundred sheep, and if one were lost (Matt. xviii 12, 13; Luke xv. 3-7).  

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Holidays After Trauma

First let me say that trauma is a continuum.  Part of me doesn't feel legitimate naming myself as someone recovering from trauma, but enough friends and therapists have independently named me so, that I am accepting that.

Today is the Sunday of Canadian Thanksgiving weekend.  In the past I would have been planning or deep in the middle of cooking a big family dinner, complete with gorgeous autumn decorations and turkey.  I would have enjoyed finding as many chairs as possible and getting creative with table arranging so everyone had a place.  The older I get, the more this sort of ritual is meaningful to me it seems, and the more precious my family is to me.

My "broken" family.

Today I slept in and awoke with a headache (no, not an "Oktoberfest headache," the regular kind) and perimenopausal hot flashes, and discouragement.  I thought I would be content this weekend because my girls all have their partners' family meals to go to, and my son seems just content to be home and spending time with me, and later his dad.  I have plenty to keep me busy, including a backlog of graduate school reading, cleaning, and ironing.

Duh.  I'm still a classic codependent, eh?  "So long as everyone else is happy, I am happy."  I didn't have a sweet clue as to what *I* actually wanted or needed.  It didn't even occur to me that I might not be okay.

So, today I am inordinately sad (who gets to say what "ordinately" sad is?) that I am not doing a traditional  meal with my kids, going on a walk in the autumn colours, and generally enjoying my family.  Today looks like it will be a day of releasing more pent up sadness and loss and grief.

Yay.

It's okay.  There is no statue of limitations on grief, no matter how much our culture (including me!) is uncomfortable with prolonged sadness.  If "just being with and accepting" the sadness is what needs to happen today, so be it.
God knows, I am not alone.
 
It's NORMAL to feel more deeply during holidays.  It is NORMAL for the contrast between what is and "what should have been" to ache most intensely right now.

So I will cry some, write some, pray some, and be very gentle with myself today, and this too, shall pass.

In solidarity with everyone for whom holidays, for now, seem to be more painful than joyful:
You are not wrong.
You are not alone.
You can make it through.

Alison

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Cultural shaming around feeling

In my experience, healing from psychological trauma and childhood abuse includes re-experiencing the feelings associated with those traumas. Very often, key appropriate responses to such abuse is anger, grief, and tremendous vulnerability. How challenging it is then, in a culture that shames us simply for feeling these things or for feeling them "too long."  When we combine that with our own aversion to feeling these things, I believe it is heroic indeed that we can allow ourselves to feel them anyway, with compassion, patience, trust, and faith in the process.

There is a way out.  There is a way through.
Go gently with yourself today.

Rev. Alison

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Dealing With Despair


I preached this sermon in 2008, thinking it was not one of my better ones.
Afterwards, several people told me it was just what they needed to hear.

Since many folks I know and love are going through some pretty rough stuff right now, I will repost it.

“Why Is My Pain Unceasing?” - Dealing With Despair
Jeremiah 15:15–21, Matthew 16:21–28
By Alison Longstaff
St. James Lutheran Church, New Dundee, Ontario
Sunday, August 31, 2008



One nice thing about pain is that it feels so good when it stops.

The reason my pain is unceasing is that I recently started Ashtanga yoga, and I can barely move. But that is not why we are here today.

In our Scripture readings, we heard a lot about suffering. We heard a pain-filled cry to God to end the suffering in Jeremiah. In the gospel reading, Jesus is warning the disciples about the terrible suffering he will endure. Peter objects, and Jesus shouts at Peter, “Get behind me, you Satan!” in a shocking, very un-Jesus like moment. He says, “You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.”

Peter was the voice of the tempter when he declared that such suffering and death should never happen to Jesus. Jesus knew it was imperative to focus on the spiritual work about to be accomplished and not on the suffering. He had to focus on His Divine mission and not be distracted. Perhaps Peter was the voice of the demon attacking Jesus, trying to convince Jesus to opt out of the suffering. This would explain the intensity of the rebuke.

Jesus had to keep his eyes set on the Divine to accomplish his mission.

Life on this earth includes suffering. Even here in North America, with our health-care and insurance policies, relative wealth and myriad safety measures, we can’t seem to escape suffering. We often think we shouldn’t have to suffer. We keep creating more ways to protect ourselves, as if constant comfort and total security were the answer to all our problems.
So why are we still so restless and unhappy?

Some of the countries that rank highest for overall national happiness are places like Nigeria and Bhutan. What’s that about? Nigeria suffers from extreme poverty, and many people live in mud huts. How can they possibly be happier than us? Well, it seems they have a deep reliance on God. They are a very Christian country, and they live their faith in every way they can. They are desperately poor, yet they sing and pray and share the little they have with each other, and they are happy.

Toronto journalist Jonathan Power interviewed Olusegun Obasanjo, a Nigerian who became a Christian and a preacher after being unjustly imprisoned. In his three years of captivity, Obusanjo became a sort of chaplain to his fellow prisoners. He says, “The time I had real joy in my life was when I was in prison. I felt then that there was just God and me, and my fellow prisoners whom I must try and help." Extreme hardship robs us of everything- but God. Perhaps this is why some of the most loving and deeply spiritual people are also people who have suffered great hardship.

In the midst of the deepest suffering God becomes all we have left, and this breaks ground for a deep and rich faith to grow. I’m not saying we should all chuck our current lives and go live in a third-world country so as to really suffer so we can experience God. Suffering finds us, no matter where we live. I am saying that it is good to remember that suffering can be our greatest teacher. God wouldn’t allow anything to happen if it didn’t serve some purpose for good. So even the painful times in life---perhaps especially the painful times---are carefully overseen by God to deepen us and eventually bring us joy.

My one objection to books and philosophies like The Secret and A Complaint-Free World is the way they can promote the idea that we are solely responsible for what happens to us in our lives. The idea is that if we cultivate a good attitude, we invite good things into our lives, and that we invite misfortune by having a bad attitude. The logical conclusion to this is that if we just work hard enough to have a great attitude, nothing bad will happen to us. But if it were true, those Indonesians must have had one bad attitude to invite that tsunami onto them. Every victim of every tragedy could be blamed for their misfortune. I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way.

No, such a philosophy falls too easily into a judgmentalism toward the suffering. “It must be their fault. If only they were positive like me, they’d be okay.” This is a lie. It demonstrates a strong reliance on one’s own efforts for “salvation,” and no reliance on God.

My mom has been in chronic physical pain for over twenty-three years. She has fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis, which means “everything hurts.” And she has depression. (Well, duh. Poor thing. Who wouldn’t?) She’s on all sorts of medicines, which have their own strange side-effects and cause other problems. I don’t know how she manages. I can’t hack chronic pain for even a day. I get grumpy and whiney and can be very impatient when waiting for my next dose of pain reliever. But twenty-three years?! Did I mention that she also gets regular migraines? She has tried every treatment in the world, from steroids to vitamins to acupuncture to moose meat, and nothing helps.

I love her. I don’t want her to suffer. Sometimes I get really impatient with her. (Surely she’s doing something wrong!) I judge her for not trying hard enough or not trying the right things long enough. My judging comes from how hard it is to see her in pain. But my judging her never helps. My impatience never helps. Again and again, the best and only thing I can do for her is to love her to bits, and spend time with her, and believe with my whole heart that God has a plan. Period.

Have you ever heard someone say, in the midst of some awful situation, “I suppose God has a lesson for me,” as if he or she could stop the suffering, if they could just figure out what the lesson was and learn it? But I don’t think God works this way. I don’t think God ever sends suffering. I think God allows it sometimes, only when He can bring some long term good out of it for everyone involved.

Has my mom been suffering for twenty-three years because there is some lesson she is refusing to learn? I can’t believe that. She’s doing the best she can. She just got dealt a rotten hand. She didn’t invite this onto herself any more than my classmate’s two-year-old son invited death from liver cancer onto himself. Terrible stuff just happens.

Yes, a positive attitude can greatly improve certain aspects of our lives, and can spin off some nice side effects. Optimism and hope are our wings, and when we have them, they lift us up and over a multitude of life’s hurdles. But sometimes, through no fault of our own, our wings get plucked or broken. Sometimes a hoard of locusts swoops down on that rich and thick harvest of positive thinking and in a heart-beat, strips it to dead stalks. Sometimes we are left walking or crawling down life’s dusty road, not flying, experiencing every bump and ditch and thorn and mud puddle. “The rain falls on the just and on the unjust,” says God in the Gospels. Or, to quote contemporary wisdom, “Shit happens.”

So we must set our minds on divine things, and not on human things.

There is so much in this life over which we have no control. There are all sorts of forces at work around us, and we are far less powerful than we think. Our thoughts are not God’s thoughts. We want a happy, comfy life now. God wants us to have a happy, comfy life for eternity.

We are part of a great tapestry. Stuff that looks bad to our eyes now, is allowed to happen because God sees a bigger picture. But don’t forget, God isn’t some cold, distant artist. When we suffer, God suffers along with us. He knows what it is like to be a mortal. He was one, in Jesus. Jesus suffered to bring a much better outcome for everyone down the road. But, just the way the disciples couldn’t see why Jesus allowed Himself to suffer, we often can’t see why we or our loved ones are allowed to suffer. We can’t see God’s plan, but it is there.

Shit happens, and not all the positive thinking in the world save us from it. No one is that powerful, no matter what we’d like to think. All twelve steppers can tell you that powerlessness is the first and most important thing to learn. We have to embrace and face life on life’s terms, not ours. Facing our powerlessness throws us finally and completely into God’s arms.

“Why is my pain unceasing, my wound incurable, refusing to be healed?” Set your mind on divine things, and not on human things. Spiritual growth, personal growth involve finding our relationship with suffering, not avoiding it. Why else would God invite us to take up the cross to follow Him? Jesus fought through temptation after temptation on his journey to the cross. He showed us the way. He showed us that it will come out all right, no matter how hopeless it looks.

God loves us desperately. He doesn’t want us to suffer. But sometimes the most loving thing He can do for us is to let us have our experiences, good and bad. Eliminating the struggle for us eliminates the joy and triumph we will feel when we finally arrive at the finish line. Suffering draws out good qualities in us like endurance, stamina, and patience. It frequently teaches us compassion and opens us up to the Holy Spirit. It is like spiritual roto-tilling, breaking up old and set things about us, turning us upside down and making room for new and wonderful things to flow in.

Suffering helps us more fully appreciate the truly good things in life. It also teaches us how precious are the times of peace and good fortune. We don’t take them so much for granted. Suffering deepens us, whether we like it or not. And it reminds us who’s really in charge of the universe, and that it’s not us. It teaches us to trust in God; and to set our sights on divine goals and not on human ones.

For those of you who are in the midst of suffering, take heart. Every single thing in life is in God’s hands. Not one hair of your head falls without notice. No matter how long the night may seem, the morning always brings new hope.

"Why is my pain unceasing,
my wound incurable,
refusing to be healed?

…They shall not prevail over you,
for I am with you
to save you and deliver you,
says the LORD.
I will deliver you out of the hand of the wicked,
and redeem you from the grasp of the ruthless." (Jer. 18,21)

Amen

Nigeria: Happiest Nation on Earth?
by Jonathan Power, Published on Monday, December 29, 2003 by the Toronto Star



Barbara Merrell Smith passed away September 13, 2008