The Funny Things We Do In Relationship

“Funny Things We Do In Relationship”

Rev. Alison Longstaff, Nov 2, 2014

Bath Church of the New Jerusalem

Genesis 3: 6-13; Mark 10: 35-44; HS 189

Today’s Scripture readings showed Adam and Eve feeling ashamed of their “nakedness.” Nakedness symbolizes having our whole selves seen, flaws and all.  Did you notice both Adam and Eve trying to pass the blame onto someone else?  We also saw some of the disciples squabbling over who might get preferment in heaven, thinking they deserved it more than the others.  They were basically trying to “call shotgun,” as if asking first is how someone gets a good placement in heaven.

Our reading from Swedenborg told us that we are all on the path to heaven, and that God, (or Goodness, or True Wisdom) leads us constantly into greater and greater integrity step by step, if we are willing and open to learn.  But we need to have humility and self-awareness—which is the ability to see ourselves honestly, with all our strengths and weaknesses—so that we can learn about and change any ways our behaviors, intentions, and motives don’t match our spiritual values or “conscience.”

If we hide in the illusion that we are already perfect and it is everyone else that needs to change, we have a skewed view of ourselves.  It is not honest nor accurate, nor humble.  If we spend energy trying to hide our flaws, we are taking away from our ability to be honest and make the changes we desire.

 

Self-awareness need not produce shame, even when we see our errors.  Learning not to feel shame can be work, but doing that work is very worth the emotional freedom it brings.  Freedom from shame does not mean we have no regrets or sorrow or embarrassment when we realize we have been out of balance in our behavior or assumptions.  Freedom from toxic shame just means we waste no energy on self-abuse when we realize an error. Freedom from toxic shame means all our energy can go into correcting or amending our assumptions once we see an error, and into any apologies or reparations where needed.  We can’t correct something we can’t see, and we can’t see ourselves accurately if we are utterly defended against seeing any errors, and/or we don’t develop a habit of self-reflection with compassion.

So, having said that, we are going to move straight into a role play.  In this role play, we will have a family planning a vacation.  But each family member will be out of balance in one way or another.  Let’s see what happens when each person is unaware of their own errors and out of balance in their thoughts and assumptions.  (Volunteers please come forward.)

The Role Play is based on Virginia Satir’s theory of "coping stances." These are habits or patterns that we fall into when we are trying to cope with stress or emotional discomfort.  We typically cannot see how our own words and behaviors can be part of the problem in unhappy relationships, especially when we have retreated into one of these four imbalances.

Remember: We all do each one to some degree or another.  Watch for yourself and your own habits.  If you find yourself thinking, “Oh, that is: (some other person besides yourself)” Stop.  Your job is you, not someone else.  Watch for your patterns.  Overlook others.’

The Blamer (Body position is angry pointing)

A blamer finds fault in others.  The blamer generally assumes he/she is right and often has contempt for everyone else's ideas and efforts.  They may say things like "You always…" "you never…" and "you should…."  The blamer wants control and will seek it actively or covertly.  They may give lip-service to others' needs, but don’t actually treat them with equality or respect.  (Blamers are often partnered with placaters.) In reality, a blamer often does not feel good about himself/herself. This stance makes him/her feel better because it makes him/her feel powerful or effective.

The Placater (Body position is down on one knee, hands raised in supplication)

The placater is only happy when everyone else is happy.  They are super "nice," sacrificing their well-being again and again just to keep the peace.  They place the needs of everyone else over their own, often paying no attention to their own needs.  If asked, they think they have no needs because they are so disconnected from listening to themselves. (Often partnered with a blamer). A placator is compelled to please others.  He/she apologizes for things that are not his/her fault and has a hard time (often can’t) stand up for him/herself.  The martyr, the “yes man,” this person’s well-being is entirely centered in others.  There is no valuing or attention paid to their own needs.  They are often exhausted, overworked, inwardly empty, and full of unacknowledged resentment.

The Super-Rational (aka Computer, Talking Head, etc) (Arms folded, nose slightly in air)

This one takes comfort in having everything figured out. They have "the answers" or the explanation, and that is their refuge.  They stay entirely in their intellect, devoid of feeling.  Having the situation figured out is the only thing that matters.  They love analysis, especially when it is for supporting their sense of security in their intelligence. (This can slide into blaming to the extent that they feel superior to everyone else.)  They may give a clear-cut analysis of a situation, but there will be no feeling, no empathy, no sense of connection, no impulse to help out.  Human need is nowhere on the radar. This stance is unfortunately often thought of as the ideal goal for many people. The super-rational one is very correct, very reasonable, very logical. But he/she does not show any vulnerability though he/she often feels it. Don’t mistake this one for a person who is centered, grounded, and calm. You know you are dealing with a computer because you will not feel understood.  (Often partnered with Irrelevant)

The Irrelevant (aka Clown, Distracter, etc) (Wiggling, random, or zoned out.)

This is the ADD kid, the family clown, the disconnected teenager, the one who can't listen or pay attention.  This one is disconnected.  They are unable to care about their own dreams, others' interests, or what they may need to be doing in their own lives on a practical level.  They are restless or zoned out, change the subject, crack jokes, call attention to things completely off-topic, are unable to pay attention, etc.  A distractor talks about unrelated subjects while under stress.  He/She does not talk to the point and is very unfocused. “Who cares?” is the attitude. He/she hopes that by not dealing with the problem it will go away.  There is often a deep underlying feeling of loneliness and purposelessness. It may seem that nothing bothers this one, but it is actually a lonely and meaningless place to be. (Often partnered with Super-Reasonable)

There is another pose, and that one is the healthy, balanced pose we want to aim toward.

Congruent (aka Leveler, Balanced, Flowing) (Direct gaze, calm, arms relaxed.)

This one keeps their own needs, others' needs and the situation's needs in balance. They are rational and non-reactive, but emotionally connected.  They often radiate presence, warmth, and compassion. A leveler apologizes when she makes a mistake. If an error has been committed, he will evaluate fairly without blaming. Sometimes she will be talking intellectually but her feeling is still intact. When there is a problem, he will deal appropriately rather than shove it under the rug.  A leveler conducts life with integrity, commitment, and creativity.

Even ONE person holding strong in congruence or balance can transform an interaction.  It won't be perfect, but invariably calms down the tensions and invites greater congruence in others. 

​

We watched the family try to plan their Spring Break vacation with a blaming dad, a placating mom, an irrelevant daughter, and a super-rational son.  They couldn't get anywhere!  After we watched them struggle a while, we stopped the action and asked the irrelevant one to become the "congruent" or leveling one while the other three held their positions somewhat.  They were able to get more done, though it was still pretty bumpy.  We then asked the role players about their thoughts and observations.

Most felt discomfort at having to hold their imbalance so long.  They also recognized themselves or others' dynamics from some past relationships.  It was uncomfortable to watch, but also funny and sympathetic.  We thanked and dismissed the actors.

Then I asked the room, "What did you observe and learn about yourself while watching the role-plays?"  :Was it uncomfortable?"  I reminded us all that we do all of these sometimes, and that it was not about blame or shame, but about self-awareness.

I summed up the morning's presentation with these words: 

As always, know that moving toward “congruence” is the goal.  No one arrives and stays there. No one is perfect. We all lapse—especially under stress.  But the more we can develop a habit of congruence, the easier all our relationships and communications can become.  Not a cure-all, but definitely will bring marked improvements over time.

Even one person holding balance or congruence shifts any relationship or group toward better health, and invites better communication and better relationship.

Welcome to a great tool for moving toward “heaven” aka toward healthier, happier relationships.

1. Try to stay clear of blaming. 

2. Try to stay in touch with your own needs and champion them without trumping others’ needs.

3.  When you fall into “figuring things out” without compassion or heart connection, realize it is a defense mechanism, and look for your heart and compassion. 

4.  When you feel like things are hopeless, and you can’t make a difference, or the world has gone crazy, or there is no point in trying, or you simply can’t take anything seriously, find your soul ASAP.  Learn what spiritual disciplines or mentors or messages restore you to yourself and to your joy and meaning, and PURSUE them until you feel connected and purposeful again.

You do not have to be a victim of other people’s patterns or bad habits.  You CAN make a difference in all your relationships.  You can make a difference in the world. There are tools.  There is wisdom.  There is a way that invites healing for everyone.

Amen.  

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The Readings

Genesis: 3:6-13

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, “Where are you?”

So he said, “I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”  And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?”  Then the man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.”  And the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”  The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Mark 10:35-44

35 James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came forward to him and said to him, “Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.” 36 And he said to them, “What is it you want me to do for you?” 37 And they said to him, “Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your glory.” 38 But Jesus said to them, “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I drink, or be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?” 39 They replied, “We are able.” Then Jesus said to them, “The cup that I drink you will drink; and with the baptism with which I am baptized, you will be baptized; 40 but to sit at my right hand or at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared.”

41 When the ten heard this, they began to be angry with James and John. 42 So Jesus called them and said to them, “You know that among the Gentiles those whom they recognize as their rulers lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them.43 But it is not so among you; but whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wishes to be first among you must be servant of all. 

Heavenly Secrets #189. Afterwards, I saw pathways sloping gently upward, symbolizing the way that each person is lead gradually toward heaven. It is by developing some set of principles or a conscience about what is true and good, and by learning self-awareness, that each person is led by degrees toward heaven. No one can be drawn toward heaven without having a set of values from some system of spiritual truth nor without cultivating humble self-awareness. 

“Teach Me to Pray”

Rev. Alison Longstaff, May 18, 2014

Bath Church of the New Jerusalem

Genesis 24: 42-48, 25: 20-21; Mark 10:46-52; HS 2535

Note:  I struggled with the pronouns in this sermon.  Sometimes I use “you” and sometimes “we.”  “We” includes everyone, communicating that we are not alone in these struggles and experiences—that we all deal with them.  But sometimes the situations I am describing are just too specific, and sounded very weird in my ears unless I went to a more singular “you.”  So just know that when I am using “you,” I am not up here pointing a finger down on YOU personally.  “You” simply worked better than “one” or “we.”

In our Scripture readings today we see three examples of prayer, not just of prayer, but of prayer answered completely and miraculously.  Prayer answered completely and miraculously.  Wouldn't that be nice?  How many of you, when you pray, expect your prayers to be answered that way?

In the first story, the servant of Abraham (we aren't told his name) asks for a very specific sign to indicate God’s choice of a wife for Isaac—and he gets it, loud and clear, with all sorts of amazing side details he never imagined.  In the second story, a blind man—Bartimaeus—beseeches Jesus to heal him, despite admonitions from the crowd to be quiet.  The more they shushed him, the louder he cried, until Jesus called him to come over.  Jesus grants Bartimaeus his prayer and heals his blindness.  Just like that.

So, today I want to talk about our prayer lives—yours and mine.  I want to explore why we do and do not pray, what we expect when we pray, who we pray to, and how we deal with disappointment when our prayers seem to go unanswered.

Swedenborg tells us that prayer is speech with God.  It is important then to explore how we actually picture God, not what we say we believe about God, because this directly affects how we talk to God.

What happens if you picture the Lord, (as is the truth) as your best friend?  What if God is right here, right now, next to you, enjoying being with you?  What if God knows everything about you and yet still loves you dearly, just like a best friend?  (As if God would stop loving us if “He” knew our uglier sides.  What part of “omnipresent” says God misses some details of our life?)

When you relax into a heart-friendship with the Lord, you discover that God is exactly that close and that loving.  The Lord is more comfortable and safe than any best friend.  There is no need to fear, because there is nothing to fear. 

So, how would you talk to a best-friend God?  With a best-friend God, prayer really does become conversation.  Have you seen the character Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof, talking to God all the time, about everything?  We can be like that too, discussing everything, our car that won’t start, our sick child, that pain in our right shoulder, our son-in-law that needs another job. Nothing is too big or too small to share.  Everything is on the table. 

The Lord wants us to be that open and comfortable with Him.  Jesus came so that He might show us that He is with us right here.  That’s what “Emmanuel” means: “God WITH us;” Right here, right now. Beside you. Surrounding you. Holding your hand, holding you up, laughing with you, crying with you, watching you when you rest, and cheering you on when you try something new.

Why wouldn't we share everything with our best friend?

There are many things that can get in the way of a healthy prayer life.  We may have been taught incorrect things about prayer, making us afraid to pray in case we do it “wrong.”  We may have some incorrect ideas about God.  Perhaps we think God doesn't care, or that prayer doesn't work.  Maybe we don’t even know what prayer is for.

Most of us, at some point, have tried prayer and had it fail. We might have asked for something as mundane as a certain toy for Christmas, or something as heart-wrenching as a dear friend surviving cancer.  When our prayers go unanswered we can feel abandoned and betrayed by God. Depending on the depth of the loss, that sense of betrayal can turn into a lot of anger—a sort of spiritual temper tantrum.  Anger at God and a refusal even to speak to God, especially after an untimely death is very common.  Is that where you are? 

The interesting thing is, we can be completely mad at God and completely desperate for God’s love at the same time.  Like a child in a tantrum, we can rage at and reject God, yet deeply rely on God’s continued love.  It is hard to wrap our brains around.  We can believe in God and not believe in God at the same time.  As one friend said to me during a rough time, “I don’t know if I even believe in God anymore.” She then finished with a wry grin, “But at least I know God will forgive me for doubting.”

Anyway, if you struggle to believe, don’t judge yourself, you are in good company—Mother Teresa did too, did you know that?  She struggled terribly sometimes.  Doubt and feelings of abandonment and anger at God are all signs of spiritual work.  Doubt and anger are also some of the bigger reasons we might stop talking to God.

We have covered who we pray to, and why we might not pray, and a little about what we expect when we pray.  What about how we pray?

There are many ways to pray: silently in our hearts, openly, speaking out loud, in song, with tears—I have even seen how yoga can serve as body prayer.  We can be meek and mild.  Or we can be like Bartimaeus who cried out and shouted for what he wanted.  (I have done that. Er, in the privacy of my home….) Bartimaeus begged for what he wanted. When everyone around him told him to be quiet—there are plenty of naysayers in life, aren’t there?—he just cried louder and louder until Jesus heard him.  Jesus always heard him, but He allowed Bartimaeus to persist in asking—in pleading—for what he wanted so that Bartimaeus would be completely prepared when his dream came true.

The story of Bartimaeus illustrates the relationship between our side of prayer and God’s side of prayer.  Sometimes we have to ask very loud and for a long time for what we want.  When this is true, it doesn't mean we are doing something wrong.  When we have to wait for an answer, it is God preparing things behind the scenes.  Think of it rather like a four-year-old praying to fly a jet-plane.  God’s answer may be “yes!” but it will still take a long time of growth and learning and development and training before that four-year-old sees that dream realized. That is nobody’s fault.  No one is wrong.  But to the four-year-old, it will look like there’s no answer to that prayer for a loooong time. 

Our job is to pray, beg, SHOUT for what we want; then do everything we can; and then TRUST. We must “pray to catch the bus”, and then “run as fast as we can”; AND we must trust there will be another bus if we miss the one we wanted.  Pray, pursue, let go. God has the much bigger job—arranging things behind the scenes—and we must trust that He is doing his part.

Do you talk to God regularly?  Just like Tevye?  Why or why not?

Well, here’s my next question for you: What if you really did ask for your heart’s desire?  And what if God said “yes?”

I think sometimes the thought of having our dreams come true is far scarier than simply accepting the spiritual scraps we find under the master’s table. 

I was part of a community once that was praying to grow.  They were doing all the right things, setting their intention, working to welcome new people, applying for grants, running fundraisers and working very hard.  Does that sound familiar?  And their efforts started to pay off!  The money came pouring in—more than they had asked for.  New members were coming and staying.  This little congregation was getting what they prayed for.  It was a beautiful time for them.

Unfortunately, as often happens in these stories, the success must have unnerved too many of them.  And for whatever reason, the leadership couldn’t stop the internal sabotage. The positive excitement became fear and manipulation. Squabbling, gossip, and politics took over. Most of the new people trickled away.  Within two years, lack of support or follow-through on the good initiatives reduced the congregation inevitably back to what they had always been—the same tiny group and not enough money. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it.  We are all capable of this sort of choice.  There is a part in each of us that would rather choose the struggle we know over the scary momentum of success.  While we always have the choice to keep moving forward, sometimes we allow fear to sabotage our efforts.  Success can be really scary.

I can only urge each of us: when God answers a prayer, try to accept the gift and say thank you; rather than running and hiding.

When we, all of us together, set our sights on a dream, and with conviction and determination fight to make it happen, the universe (meaning God) has a crazy way of responding in abundance.  The cup has a tendency to overflow, in fact.  It is one way God works miracles.  It can be kinda scary, but stay with it.  Why miss the ride of your life?

And when your prayer gets answered, stop and pay attention to that.  Notice and remember—put a bookmark in the memory—write it on your heart that God answers prayers.  It is so easy to sink into discouragement and cynicism, especially when things are not going well.  God always answers prayers, but not always with speed. However, every good thing that we ask for we will receive in time, especially when we follow our prayer with committed action.  Miracles can and do happen, despite all the naysayers. 

There is a famous quote by William H. Murray that goes: “The moment one definitively commits oneself, then providence moves too.  All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.  A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no one would have dreamt would have come their  way.”

Where would Bartimaeus be if he had listened to the naysayers and given up?  

So next time you sit down for a chat with your Best Friend, fasten your seatbelt and prepare for the ride of your life.

Radically revised from a sermon preached October 25, 2009, in Kitchener, Ontario

 Readings:

Genesis 24: 42-48, 25: 20-21  “And this day I came to the well and said, ‘O Lord God of my master Abraham, if You will now prosper the way in which I go, 43 behold, I stand by the well of water; and it shall come to pass that when the virgin comes out to draw water, and I say to her, “Please give me a little water from your pitcher to drink,” 44 and she says to me, “Drink, and I will draw for your camels also,”—let her be the woman whom the Lord has appointed for my master’s son.’

45 “But before I had finished speaking in my heart, there was Rebekah, coming out with her pitcher on her shoulder; and she went down to the well and drew water. And I said to her, ‘Please let me drink.’46 And she made haste and let her pitcher down from her shoulder, and said, ‘Drink, and I will give your camels a drink also.’ So I drank, and she gave the camels a drink also. 47 Then I asked her, and said, ‘Whose daughter are you?’ And she said, ‘The daughter of Bethuel, Nahor’s son, whom Milcah bore to him.’ So I put the nose ring on her nose and the bracelets on her wrists. 48 And I bowed my head and worshiped the Lord, and blessed the Lord God of my master Abraham, who had led me in the way of truth to take the daughter of my master’s brother for his son.

25: 20 Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah as wife, the daughter of Bethuel the Syrian of Padan Aram, the sister of Laban the Syrian. 21 Now Isaac pleaded with the Lord for his wife, because she was barren; and the Lord granted his plea, and Rebekah his wife conceived.

Mark 10:46-52

46 Now they came to Jericho. As He went out of Jericho with His disciples and a great multitude, blind Bartimaeus, the son of Timaeus, sat by the road begging. 47 And when he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to cry out and say, “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!”  48 Then many warned him to be quiet; but he cried out all the more, “Son of David, have mercy on me!”  49 So Jesus stood still and commanded him to be called.  Then they called the blind man, saying to him, “Be of good cheer. Rise, He is calling you.”  50 And throwing aside his garment, he rose and came to Jesus.  51 So Jesus answered and said to him, “What do you want Me to do for you?”  The blind man said to Him, “Rabboni, that I may receive my sight.”

52 Then Jesus said to him, “Go your way; your faith has made you well.” And immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus on the road.

Heavenly Secrets #2535 Prayer, regarded in itself, is speech with God.  It involves a concentration on the topic of the prayer.  Then something flows into our perception or thought in answer, such that there is a certain opening of our interiors toward God.  This is different from person to person, according our circumstances, and according to the quality and the reason for our prayer. If we pray in loving-kindness and in trust, and for heavenly and spiritual things, then we receive something like a revelation (which is manifested in our feelings) bringing hope, consolation, and a certain inward joy. - Emanuel Swedenborg

Cultural shaming around feeling

In my experience, healing from psychological trauma and childhood abuse includes re-experiencing the feelings associated with those traumas. Very often, key appropriate responses to such abuse is anger, grief, and tremendous vulnerability. How challenging it is then, in a culture that shames us simply for feeling these things or for feeling them "too long."  When we combine that with our own aversion to feeling these things, I believe it is heroic indeed that we can allow ourselves to feel them anyway, with compassion, patience, trust, and faith in the process.

There is a way out.  There is a way through.
Go gently with yourself today.

Rev. Alison