Spiritual Exoskeletons and Endoskeletons - Which One Describes You?

This is part of my "grand unified theory" (ala Malcolm Gladwell) about the development of human spirituality. It is based on the work of Jonathan Heidt, James Fowler, Emanuel Swedenborg, Jean Piaget, and many other thinkers in the world of spirituality. (Yes. I believe that our morality is one face of our spiritual development.) This includes Object Relations theory as well.

James Fowler, author of The Stages of Faith (summarized here, though I believe people stay in the earlier stages of faith far longer than this optimistic projection) has built a model of spiritual development that echoes Jean Piaget's stages of psychological development. A developmental model of spirituality makes immediate sense to me, as we already speak of spiritual "growth." We develop physically, emotionally, psychologically, morally, and in all other ways. Spirituality is developmental too; how could it not be?

The main focus of my interest today is the shift between stage three (Synthetic-Conventional) (exoskeleton) and stage four (Individuative-Reflective) (endoskeleton) according to James Fowler. I know for myself that this shift reached a crisis point in my early forties. It dovetailed with a probable mid-life crisis. My trust in and reliance on my childhood faith had taken too many blows. I was being existentially ejected from (birthed from?) identification with that religious denomination. The process took years and was deeply painful. Another soul who was undergoing a similar birthing likened it to the process of becoming a butterfly after one has been a caterpillar.

"This is where things get crazy and kind of disgusting. The caterpillar does not simply rearrange itself into a butterfly or moth. It takes much more than that. The caterpillar starts to digest itself! That’s right, it releases enzymes that start to liquify almost the entire caterpillar. If you were to cut open a cocoon during this stage, a liquid caterpillar smoothie would ooze out." Mike Szydlowski, The Columbia Tribune, Oct. 2021

Goo

We found this analogy apt. It was NOT comfortable. Emanual Swedenborg would say that this shift is from "historical faith" to "living faith."

"There must be, for Stage 4, a relocation of authority to within the self. While others and their judgments will remain important to the Individuative-Reflective person, their expectations, advice and counsel will be submitted to an internal panel of experts who reserve the right to choose and who are prepared to take responsibility for their choices."  James Fowler, Stages of Faith

A Barrier Between Stages Three and Four

The shift from three to four can be very painful, especially if one has been in a denomination that requires its members to stay in stage three. Stage three relies on an outside authority. It relies on obedience and compliance within its membership. This outside authority serves as a spiritual exoskeleton to the membership. All of us require this stage as part of our development. It enables us to grow our spiritual core (endoskeleton), the place from which we can discern, sift, and organize our own authentic spirituality.

All denominations that need stage three adherents see this shift as a threat. Members who question the legitimacy of the teachings and rules threaten the leaders' authority. Eventually, these members vote themselves out of involvement as they realize their inability to change the denomination. Depending on the level of cult dynamics in the denomination, this ejection from the group can be hugely isolating, disillusioning, and painful. One can lose a sense of belonging in an otherwise cohesive and interconnected "family." The leaders generally invalidate the pain of such members and see their departure as "trimming dead wood." (I have heard this spoken explicitly.)

Exoskeleton

In truth, those who manage to launch from such a denomination are the living wood, and can eventually find root within a group that welcomes stage four spirituality. (I have found a home in a Unitarian Universalist congregation.) But many stay alone and isolated, unwilling to trust again or otherwise unable to find a new spiritual home. They are suffering from spiritual trauma and abandonment.

Endoskeleton

This shift from an authority-based faith to a living, inwardly reflective faith is part of our healthy spiritual growth. Our spirits call us to grow to this level and beyond. Unfortunately, many religious denominations see this shift as heresy, disobedience, rebellion, and "falling" from grace. These groups tend to punish, shun, vilify, and cast out such members. No wonder it can be hard to leave!

As those of us who have left such groups tend to remain isolated, we can be unaware of the huge and growing body of people on a similar path. If only we had a way to form our own, mutually supportive spiritual communities. Yet we tend to be gun-shy of belonging again.

I believe that authentic, unhampered spiritual growth requires that we make this shift. We are designed to think for ourselves based on years of spiritual work and learning from others.  We are built to continue growing spiritually, constantly deepening and adding greater nuance to our understanding. But we also need a spiritual community. Such supportive and non-dictatorial communities exist out there. They are just hard to find. They tend to mind their own business.

Do you rely heavily on outside authorities and some declared text as literally the Word of God? Then you are probably in an exoskeleton stage of spirituality. There is nothing wrong with this stage, but we are meant to evolve beyond it.

Do you think for yourself, incorporating years of experience, thought, and observation into how you understand the human condition and our responsibilities to each other? Then you are probably in an endoskeleton stage of spirituality.

Do you do some of both? Do you feel wobbly and insecure about what to think and whom to trust? Then you are probably in transition.

All of these stages are normal. This model is not to be used to judge others but to assess oneself and understand others.

Small Joys in a Big World - a sermon for third advent

Small Joys in a Big World

Sermon for the Advent of Joy

Rev. Alison Longstaff, Dec 14, 2014

Bath Church of the New Jerusalem

Luke 2: 1-7; John 15:9-17; Heavenly Secrets 543

These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.  (John 15: 11-12)

The small, snuffling sounds of a newborn.  The solid weight of that new bundle in your arms.  All the promise inherent in that new life.  Enter the presence of a newborn and it is hard NOT to feel delight and joy.

Swedenborg says that the highest angels are with a newborn from conception.  I believe we can feel those angels when we are around a newborn. We all get a little softer.  We can’t help but smile.  Maybe we can even feel a subtle peace, an ineffable sweetness, and a gentle JOY.

If we are to believe Swedenborg, that joy is present because the angles with that baby live in constant joy.  Their sense of God’s love and protection, their absolute trust in God’s providence, and their deep wisdom from years of experience have made them able to sustain that deep, deep, peace and joy on a constant basis. 

God plans for each of us to live in that bliss—a bliss that we ALL knew once when we were newborns. We too were surrounded and cared for by the highest angels, and that experience is imprinted on our souls.  It is a gift from God.  And it contains part of the road map back to that place of deep peace and joy.
 

Because you see, that innocent joy doesn't last.  It can’t.  According to Swedenborg, as we become more and more self-aware, these highest angels must pull away from us and be replaced by lower angels and then still lower angels to respect our spiritual freedom. This protects us from being overwhelmed by the intensity of their love.  And so, as you and I grow up, our surrounding spirits are gradually exchanged from more exalted ones to less exalted ones until we are surrounded by spiritual beings much closer to our own level of spiritual development—closer to what we can tolerate.

These lower guardian beings are still angels.  They still far surpass our capacity for love and wisdom and joy, but not so much so that we are overwhelmed.  They are advanced beyond us just enough to make good spiritual mentors; and their energy invites us to advance into our own love and wisdom—towards something closer to what they have—for the sake of our own happiness.  

The paragraph I quoted before the sermon from Swedenborg’s long work “Heavenly Secrets” essentially says that even the most intense joy you and I might experience today can’t even come close to touching the dullest joy of these lowest angels.  In other words, God gives us as much joy as we can handle, but not so much that it hurts.  We are on a continual path of spiritual growth, and as we grow spiritually more adept, God grants us deeper and deeper joy.  As we grow stronger, wiser, more loving, and closer to God, we become increasingly able to sustain this heavenly joy which is our birthright.  It is God’s plan for us.  But we must undergo a lot of preparation before we can handle it in its full expression.

So on this Advent Sunday of Joy, what is it that we must do to be worthy of this joy?  How do we grow stronger, wiser, more loving, and closer to God?  How do we prepare ourselves for the birth of this incredible joy into our lives?

Our scripture reading contains the answer.  We are to keep God’s commandments, particularly the command to love one another as God has loved us.

If only it were as easy as it sounds.

“Loving one another” is both very simple and very complex.  On paper it sounds easy.  But once we try it in real-life settings—once we get down to matters of division of labor and money, issues of trust and expectation, commitment and entitlement, loyalty and betrayal, it all gets rather muddy.  We realize we must learn the difference between “tough love”—which doesn't look like love but is, and codependency—which looks like love but isn't.  We must learn how to give without resentment, and how not to give without guilt, and when each is appropriate.  We need to develop great compassion and great clarity of mind—things which only come through time and experience and lots of personal work.

One terrific aid to help us along this learning curve is the Ten Commandments.  In them, God gave us a simplified break-down of how to love God and our neighbor well. (P.S. These rules and guidelines can be found in many other world spiritualities too, with slightly different wording.  This fits with the Swedenborgian teaching that God put into each world religion all that we need to find our way back to true loving-kindness and wisdom—aka “God”). 

These basic human laws of respectful co-existence provide the path back to joy, back to that heaven we experienced as newborns, and back to God.  They help mend our relationship with ourselves, with God, and with each other.  So how come we are not all living in peace and joy and love right now? 

It would be convenient and easy to say that life is not the blissful dream it should be because “bad people out there” in the world are ruining things for all of the rest of us and we are all victims of their dishonesty and greed and fear. There is some truth in that, but thinking that way is also “playing the victim card” which tends to trap us in hopelessness and helplessness.  A stronger and more empowering truth is that you and I have many ways we are complicit in the same dishonesties if on a much smaller scale. Therefore you and I working on and healing the ways we are contributing to the problem right now DOES make a difference.  

We only have the power to change ourselves.  In fact the only way we can truly ever change any “them,” “out there,” is to look for how the things we so dislike out there are also in our own skin, and to make them better inside us first.

Indeed, many spiritualities teach that me changing myself and you changing yourself for the better right here, right now, does move the whole world toward something better in a real way.  By acknowledging and correcting the increasingly subtle ways I am lying to myself, and any way I am doing harm to those I deal with, I make things better, even if it doesn't feel like it some days.  Each one of us becoming just a little more honest and kind does make the whole world more honest and kind, period.  Our greatest potency is rarely in fixing “them.”  It is found in what you and I can do in our small ways inside ourselves right here and right now.
   

Swedenborg, in the book True Christianity, says that the potency of the Ten Commandments lies in their deep spiritual application rather than in their letter.  It is the spirit of these laws that the angels pay attention to, not the simple words. 

“Thou shalt not steal” certainly means in the concrete sense “don't shoplift or mug or break into people's homes or cars to take their stuff.”   But more deeply it means “don’t steal” in your mind and heart and attitude.  Stealing in your mind and heart and attitude shows up as entitlement, taking credit for things not ours, and generally feeling more valuable or worthy than someone else. 

The cry “black lives matter” that has arisen strongly in the US over the last several weeks is calling attention to a deeply ingrained cultural attitude that steals human worth from one group or person and hands it to another.  We must stop this stealing as a nation.  In any way any one of us individually deems ourselves better than another, we too are stealing from that other.  An attitude of entitlement breeds contempt for that other and gives us permission to take what we like from them, because they are less than us.  A very real way you and I can work to heal this sickness in our nation is to be on the alert for how you and I individually deem ourselves better than or objectify any other human or group in our personal lives.  Yes, speak out against the injustices you see in the broader world.  But also look for and work on any injustices inside your own spiritual space that may show up.  Because that is the most powerful way you can help.

The saying that “if you break one commandment you break them all” (James 2:10) has a lot of truth to it.  My sick attitudes invite me into hurtful behaviors that I then justify. And because some part of me knows that I am not in integrity, I will feel a niggling unease.  Unwilling to hear or see the truth, I will lie to myself.  Do you see the pattern? Entitlement leads to stealing behaviors, which then leads to lying and covering-up.  In fact, I will develop an entire inner “public-relations team” to protect me from seeing my own dishonesty and lack of integrity.  One bad choice can start a whole spiral of bad choices, calling me into greater and greater self-deception, entitlement and denial.  It is easy to see this when it is happening in others.  It is harder to recognize it in ourselves.

But before we get too discouraged, let me remind us all that to the extent that we keep even one commandment, we are keeping them all.  The spiral goes in the other direction too.  It depends on where our focus is.  Are we generally lying and hiding, or disclosing and coming clean?

If we are focusing on being more honest, we will be open to seeing more and more the ways we have been lying to ourselves.  This will invite more personal integrity, which will open us to more compassion, more humility, and more honesty.  If we are working on not stealing, physically or emotionally or psychologically, we will grow in respect for ourselves and others.  We will see how we have been stealing from ourselves and our loved ones as well as from others—stealing integrity, stealing security, stealing trustworthiness.  And as we stop stealing, and we stop lying to cover up our stealing, we start to grow in trustworthiness, security, and integrity.  Intentional steps toward right relationship with ourselves and others and God starts a progressive cycle of right relationship in every corner of our being.

If we intentionally set our minds to chipping away at our blindnesses, God assures us that we will reach a state like that of the angels—so pure of heart and mind that we no longer lie, we no longer steal, we no longer need to invalidate (kill) any other to ensure our own sense of well-being.   And that is when our joy will be more full than we can possibly imagine.

That is why I like to see the Ten Commandments as the Ten Promises.  Because until we are completely angelic, we are pretty much breaking the Ten Commandments in small ways all the time.  We can’t help it and we can’t see it until we are ready.  We don’t even know we are doing it.  But fear not; we are not held accountable for the things we cannot yet see.  Genuine openness to seeing what we are ready to see and changing it as we are able is all God asks.

God wants our joy.  God wants it with every fiber of “his” being.  But God will never force on us anything we don’t want or aren't ready for.  And so the invitation stands open; the path is always waiting; and joy awaits us like gold at the end of the rainbow.

Meanwhile, these holidays are likely to be a mix.  There will be moments of exhaustion, discouragement, disappointment, and despair.  There will also likely be moments of delight and magic, heart-warming interactions and joyful connections.  All the while I invite you to trust in the promise—not that this season will be perfect—but that each holiday is moving us closer to heavenly joy so long as we are doing our inner work.  Good will to all human-kind is both the destination and the journey; and so long as we are taking the steps we can today, we have in some sense already arrived. 

Joy and delight. These are our birthright and our promise. May you be open to them in the coming days in big and small ways.  Indeed, may you be overcome with such joy, that you touch the joy of the angels at the Lord’s birth, if just for a moment.

Amen.

The Readings

Luke 2: 1-7   

In those days a decree went out from Emperor Augustus that all the world should be registered. This was the first registration and was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria.  All went to their own towns to be registered. Joseph also went from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to the city of David called Bethlehem, because he was descended from the house and family of David.  He went to be registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged and who was expecting a child.  While they were there, the time came for her to deliver her child.  And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.

John 15:9-17

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.

“These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. These things I command you, that you love one another.

Heavenly Secrets 543

543. Certain spirits wished to know what heavenly joy was. Therefore they were allowed to perceive their own inmost joy, even to a point where they could not bear it. But even this was not angelic joy. It barely resembled the slightest of angelic joys. These spirits were allowed to realize this by sharing their joy. Their own joy was so meagre that it seemed rather tepid, yet they called it utterly heavenly since it was the deepest joy they could manage. From this it is clear that when we are allowed to experience our deepest joy this is for us heavenly joy. Nor can we tolerate anything deeper, as it becomes painful.

It's All About Relationship - a sermon

“It’s All About Relationship”

Rev. Alison Longstaff, September 14, 2014

Bath Church of the New Jerusalem

Leviticus 19:9-18; Matt 7: 1-6; Heavenly Secrets 7262

Right now I am reading a book called, “A Fountain Filled With Blood.”  It is a murder mystery set in upstate New York, with a female pastor as the protagonist. I did not pick it because of the cover, and definitely not because of the title.  I picked it because someone I love and respect recommended it.  In fact, it is the third book I am reading that Rev. Sarah Buteaux recommended, and I have yet to be disappointed. I trust her judgment.

When my kids were little, I befriended another mom of young kids on my street in Brampton, Ontario.  She and her husband were immigrants to Canada, and her husband dreamed of working at Motorola, where my husband worked.  I said we would see what we could do to help him get an interview.  Zoltan did apply to Motorola “through the front door” (or the standard way) but at the same time he also applied “through the back door” via a recommendation from my husband.  I kid you not, Zoltan was turned down for the job for the front door application, on the very same day that he was offered a job via the back door application. 

It truly is not what you know but who you know.  It is about human connection and trust.

We humans work through trust. We long for genuine human integrity.  We crave somebody and something to trust in and believe.  And we are drawn to those who seem trustworthy—we gravitate to those who are “real.”  Let’s face it, in today’s world, where the news broadcasters seem more interested in melodrama and ratings than unbiased coverage, where advertising is as trustworthy as the paper it is printed on, and where some big corporations treat their employees like slave-labor and their customers (politely) like shoe scrapings—Sam, did you get your refrigerator yet?  How many days has it been?—is it any wonder so many of us are jaded, suspicious, and unwilling to trust anybody’s word?

Once upon a time, a person’s word was their bond.  A person’s ability to keep their word shaped their reputation.  We didn’t have Google, we didn’t have television or radio. We didn’t even have newspapers.  We only had our experience, our intuition, and the word about town whether or not to trust the man who was selling us the camel.  We still use the saying, “what is the word on the street?” when we want to know the reputation or story about something.  We still say things like, “Take my word for it,” or, “Don’t take his word for it,” when discussing the reliability of information.  And word of mouth is still the hands down, number one, BEST form of advertising, because we trust our friends far more than a piece of paper or a TV commercial.

Your word.  My word.  In the beginning was the WORD.

            What do you want from your neighbor most?  Honesty or fakery?  To be objectified and used, or valued and respected?  Do you want trustworthiness, or promises that never pan out?  Therefore, how do you love your neighbor as yourself?  Be honest, respectful, and trustworthy!  “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”  Be as good as your word.

The heart of spirituality is genuine connection.  Spirituality is born from our relationship with God, is shaped by our relationship with ourselves, and is tempered by our relationships with each other. In Swedenborgianism, we call spiritual growth “regeneration,” and regeneration is the process by which we learn trustworthiness and healthy relationship. 

We all of us, every one, have pockets of shame, things we think we must hide, parts of us that drive us to manipulate others and to lie, and not even see that we are doing it.  It is easy to see when someone else is being passive-aggressive, or phony, or manipulative.  It is much harder to see it in ourselves.  But to the extent that you and I have pockets of shame and fear in ourselves, to the extent that we are hiding and not showing up in the world with our whole hearts and selves, to that extent you and I will be doing and being all those unattractive things too.

Spiritual growth, “regeneration,” the hero’s journey—call it what you like—that is our number one purpose here in this church and in this world.  We are here to serve our neighbor and be less selfish, yes. And the best most foundational way to do those things is to become more personally responsible for our word through self-awareness, humility, and courage. 

The fall in the Garden of Eden was because Adam and Eve felt they must hide from God.  (As if we can hide from God, or need to!) They saw their “nakedness” and were ashamed.  It is we who judge ourselves for our imperfections, we who think we must hide parts of ourselves to be loved and lovable.  But the hiding starts a spiral of dishonesty that leads to pretense, gossip, and judgment of others for their imperfections (because we think ours are so well hidden) until we are all hiding and judging and pretending.  As if we have it all together and everyone else has the problems!  We do this within our congregations, families, and workplaces. 

Is it any wonder we gasp with relief when we encounter someone who seems truly authentic?  Is it any wonder truly genuine people draw others to themselves because of their trustworthiness and lack of pretense?  The truly authentic are not trying to be “attractive,” they are trying to be real.  They are trying to be as good as their word.  A side-effect of their authenticity is attractiveness.  Brene Brown, who has leapt to fame and a big following because of her research on shame and whole-heartedness, did so not because she was smart (she is) or nice-looking (she is) or has a Ph.D (she does) but because she was willing to be completely open and vulnerable.  We crave that honesty.  We crave leaders who admit to their failings with humor and self-forgiveness, because it gives us room to be imperfect and still lovable too.

I am a CBC radio buff, and was completely captivated by one show about businesses that make their goal excellent customer service.  These businesses are not about profits, but about integrity.  Their goal is not growth, but they grow steadily and thrive because the word gets around that they are trustworthy.  Their businesses thrive, not because they have found the cheapest and most clever way to move product, but because they treat their customers WELL.

Regeneration starts with self-honesty.  In the twelve steps, the fourth and fifth steps are: “We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves,” and “We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”  This isn’t about shame. This is about removing the blocks in our own character to building healthy whole-hearted relationships with God, ourselves, and others.  Submission to this process brings out our most authentic selves.  It transforms each of us into who God meant us to be.

 

Regeneration or the path to authenticity shows up in many spiritualities by many names.  The twelve-step programs provide all sorts of tools to help us along the way.  A call to self-awareness and service to others is found in some form in Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism and many other spiritualities.   There are all sorts of tools, classes, and programs, all of which can help us.  Never believe that only Christianity has the ticket to this salvation.  If it did, all Christians would be the most authentic and trustworthy people on the planet.

(And just as a side note, philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre saw jazz as an artistic representation of authenticity and relationship. How fun that we happened to find jazz musicians to accompany our worship about becoming more authentic!) 

           

This church wants to grow.  How do we grow?  Is it by being the smartest or rightest church?  No.  Is it by having the biggest most modern facility? Nope. Is it because we are doing the most in the community?  Not that either, though that would be nice.  It will be because we are genuine.  It will be because we are truly authentic in our presence in the world, as individuals, and therefore as a community.  Let us be trustworthy in our word and heart, let us be all about healthy inner and outer relationship, and the Lord will do the rest.

Do you want to feel more comfortable in the world and more at peace in your soul?  Set your relationship with the God of love and yourself right first. Do you want all your relationships to thrive?  Submit yourself to a discipline that calls out your own weaknesses and blind spots for healing and forgiveness. Do you want this church to grow?  Set yourself to the work of personal and congregational regeneration.  Become as good as your word.  And the word will get around.  Do your own inner work, and all these other blessings will happen naturally.  As we read in Matthew, “Seek first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you.” 

At 9:30 this morning, I was trying to find a perfect summation for this message to wrap it all up, and Barb made a great suggestion.  I think it fits my down-to-the-wire attempt to have a worthy message for you this morning along with everything else, and here it is:

“Tada!”

Amen

For further study and inspiration, I recommend these podcasts:

 “Satisfaction Guaranteed,” Talks a lot about L.L Bean, June 6 2014

http://www.cbc.ca/undertheinfluence/season-3/2014/06/07/satisfaction-guaranteed-1/

“Customer service,” March 28, 2014

http://www.cbc.ca/undertheinfluence/season-2/2013/03/16/tales-of-customer-service-1/ 

Enwaken radio, “Shifting from fear to flow.”

http://www.enwaken.com/meditations/breaking-the-fear-trance-shifting-from-fear-to-flow-enwaken-radio-episode-34/

The Readings:

Leviticus 19: 9-18 “When you harvest your crops, don’t reap the corners of your fields, and don’t pick up the stray grains of wheat from the ground.  It is the same with your grape crop—don’t strip every last piece of fruit from the vines, and don’t pick up the grapes that fall to the ground. Leave them for the poor and for those traveling through, for I am the Lord your God.

“You must not steal nor lie nor defraud. You must not swear to a falsehood, thus bringing reproach upon the name of your God, for I am the Lord.  You shall not rob nor oppress anyone, and you shall pay your hired workers promptly. If something is due them, don’t even keep it overnight.  You must not curse the deaf nor trip up a blind man as he walks. Fear your God; I am the Lord.

“You must do no injustice in court. You must not be partial to the poor nor to the powerful, but with justice be completely fair in your dealings. 

Do not gossip. Do not spread rumors about each other, for I am the Lord.

“Do not despise your neighbor. Reprimand the one who sins; and don’t turn a blind eye, or you will share in the guilt.  Do not seek vengeance. Do not bear a grudge; but love your neighbor as yourself, for I am the Lord.

Matt 7 1-6, 12

“Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the tiny splinter that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the giant beam that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the splinter out of your eye,’ when there is the beam in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the giant beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother's eye.

 “Therefore whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”

Heavenly Secrets 7262.  In actual fact the Word consists of nothing else than teachings about love to the Lord and love towards the neighbor, just as the Lord also teaches in Matthew (22:37-40), “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself. From these two commandments spring all the Law and the Prophets.

“The Law and the Prophets” mean here the whole Word.

Object Relations Theory, or The Continuous Birth of the Human Heart

The Continuous Birth of the Human Heart

As I limp through these post-Easter days, I am reflecting on the concept of rebirth.
I am particularly thinking about spiritual or emotional rebirth, or the birth of a new paradigm or way of being on the planet.
I am thinking about this because I feel like I am stuck in a womb.  I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough, but I have no idea "into what" or how to prepare; if I am still gestating or if I am actually stuck in a psychic birth canal.

Anybody got some forceps?

I feel like I am nearing the finish line, but it is too soon to sprint;  like I am in transition, but it is too soon to push.  Spring may be around the corner, but I haven't reached the corner yet.

Anyway....

So while we are waiting, let me tell you about Robert Kegan's spin on "object relations theory."
"Who? On object- what?"
Robert Kegan on ....   Never mind.

Just tell me if this resonates with you:
Our personal growth (meaning psychological or spiritual growth) mirrors physical gestation and birth, and happens repeatedly as we grow.
So our spiritual/emotional journey goes something like this:

1. We make a breakthrough (birth).  Sometimes this breakthrough opens up a whole new, enormous, intimidating world (picture the flailing, crying newborn).  Sometimes we want to run back to an old way that is familiar and safe (this new place feels out of control and we prefer to feel contained and cocooned).  Other times we feel utterly relieved and filled with joy at the new possibilities (the womb was tight and cramped and we couldn't move at all.  Now we have freedom).
2. We grow accustomed to the new reality.  We adapt to the new reality and settle in.  When we have a challenge, we sort it out (cry in hunger; food shows up).  It's all good.  There's seems to be endless possibility; so many things to explore.
3. Then we begin to experience some frustration. We begin to encounter limitations.  We have desires that we cannot satisfy as quickly as we'd like (we can't reach the toy; can't follow mommy; can't make mommy/daddy come right away).
4. And finally, our limitations become increasingly bothersome.  We begin to feel trapped by our limitations (can't crawl/walk/communicate). This is also the equivalent of us reaching our full gestation and becoming cramped in the womb.  We may have a sense of the potential that lies beyond, if we can simply break out of our current, still nurturing, familiar reality.  Depending on where we are in our spiritual growth, we may feel a growing anxiety and tension.  We are afraid to move on, and yet we realize that we cannot stay in the current environment.  But if we hesitate, the current reality itself may withdraw support and push us to move on.
5. We take that next step and, whoosh!  A breakthrough!  And from cramped, dying, obsolete ways of thinking, we flounder into a much bigger paradigm with much wider freedom and possibility.  Woohoo!

And the whole process starts over again.

"You must be born again."
...and again,
and again,
and again....
This is my experience of life, anyway.
This is my experience of working to become a wiser, kinder, more skilled, more adept, more deeply compassionate, and more playful human being.

Is it like that for you?

Where are you in the birth cycle?  Newly freed?  Content?  Slightly frustrated?

Squashed and ready for a breakthrough?

That last one?  That's me.

Oh, where does object relations theory fit in here?
It is only after we have made the break-through; it is only after we have acclimatized to the new paradigm, that we can look back on the old paradigm and see it for what is was.  Like an old tricycle, once we have learned to ride a two-wheeler, we may have a fondness for it, but we cannot imagine going back.  We might ride it from time-to-time in play, but it gets increasingly awkward the longer grow our limbs.

The caterpillar cannot imagine being a butterfly, but the butterfly can remember being a caterpillar.

Or, we can only understand a world view when we can see it objectively.  We cannot have an objective relationship with it while it still enfolds us.

That's my mini-lecture on object relations theory.

Thanks for listening!