Healthy Boundaries Series 4: Thoughts and Feelings

This is a series about maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships.

The guidelines stated in this series may challenge a lot of long-standing habits. It is my experience that these old societal habits are unhealthy and that these new boundary markers point us to healthier ways to navigate our interpersonal dynamics and shared experience. I recommend that readers consider these guidelines and try them on before starting in with arguments. The suggested changes are nuanced and will possibly threaten our collective go-to behaviors for judging and attempting to manipulate other people's choices.

These boundaries outline what is ours to control and what is not ours to control. They keep us in our own business and out of other people's business. Poor boundaries encourage us to spend too much time trying to manage other people's lives and discourage us from the hard work of managing our own. It is a spiritual practice to move increasingly into managing our own business and to get out of everyone else's. The more we do this work, the clearer we will also become in identifying what is our shared business, and how to navigate that as well.  Without this work, we will do poorly in managing shared or public business.

Credit for identifying and articulating these boundaries goes to Mark R Carlson, MS, MDiv, Marriage and Family Therapist in Huntingdon Valley, PA. USA

Healthy Boundaries Series Article 4: Thoughts and Feelings

This article might be the most immediately applicable and needed in the world today, given how much of our communication online is fraught with tension and poor behavior. 

Do not speak with authority about anyone else's thoughts, feelings motives, intentions, or desires. 

As this boundary is crossed regularly and egregiously in much of our public discourse, it is no wonder we may believe it is acceptable.  If everybody does it, then maybe it is something that is okay to do.  Unfortunately, jumping to conclusions about other people's thoughts, feelings, and intentions is one of the first weapons of the weak.  Yet, it is modeled everywhere, so we all tend to do it.

This is where I point once again to the Golden Rule.  If you don't like it when someone does it to you, don't do it to them.

Do not speak with authority about anyone else's thoughts, feelings motives, intentions, or desires. 

If you want any discussion to devolve quickly into defense and attack rather than productive dialogue, go ahead and tell someone else what they are feeling, meaning, or intending. Even if you are sure you know what is going on inside someone else's head, announcing it as fact is a violation. It is deeply disrespectful. It will get you in trouble.

This is a very hard boundary to honor, particularly when we feel ill-used or deceived. "You are lying to me!" crosses the boundary. "I do not trust your words," keeps you firmly in what you can actually know.  Then, if they come back at you with, "Are you calling me a liar?" The answer is, "No. You might be lying to me. You might not. I can't know. Only you know if you are lying.  But I do know I don't trust your words."

Can you see the difference?  You will be keeping your conversational boundaries clean when you stay out of the other person's business (thoughts, feelings, intentions) and in what you can genuinely know, which are your own thoughts, feelings, and intentions.

It is not easy. It takes practice.  It can be especially frustrating when the other person is not abiding by the same rules.  But it will leave you in integrity.

I know what you are thinking. "This is crazy!  This is too hard!" (Actually, I can't possibly know what you are thinking.  I can guess. I might guess fairly accurately. But only you get to be the authority on what is going on in your own head and heart.)

Here are examples of the sorts of statements one might find on the internet or in life. Can you pick out which ones cross a boundary, and which ones stay respectful?

1. "Releasing that news item today was politically motivated. The other party only did it to ruin our chances."
2. "Wow. That is not at all what I got from reading that article."
3. "If you think you have a right to have a gun, you are selfish."
4. "If you believe in taxation, you believe in theft."
5. "I cannot understand why you voted for Trump. Do you want to try to explain your thinking?"
6. "You forgot my birthday. You must not love me."
7. "What you just said made me uncomfortable. I need some time alone."
8. "You voted for Obama, therefore you are a white-hating, man-hating baby killer."
9. "I don't actually feel safe answering you right now. I need time." 
10. "If you would just do a little research you would know I'm right."

I hope that was easy. If it was, I suspect you are on the road to learning better civil discourse and healthier communication skills.

(Or maybe you already were. I can't know. But it sure made a snappy ending!)

Following are the other entries in the series:
Money
Health
Family of Origin

The Silent Christmas - 2017

Dear friends and family, readers and companions along the way, Dec 2017

Those who know me well know I am not usually speechless.

When family plans proved no longer viable, Sam’s eyes twinkled as he invited me to spend Christmas Day in Atlantic City “with all the other soulless horrors” (who are the sorts of people who would go to a casino for Christmas). 

But we have no local church in which we are active. We would be missing no special services. So off we went.

On the bright side, I was delighted to be somewhere relaxing with Sam; somewhere where others do the cooking and cleaning, where the room is consistently warm, and hot water is a guarantee (unlike our apartment). I looked forward to swimming in the pool, going on long walks, and to hitting the outlet stores with Sam.

I did not count on profound laryngitis.

On Christmas Eve my voice was kinda cute and croaky. By Christmas morning, it was MIA. I could not make a peep. So also, no swimming. No long walks in the sub-zero temperatures, or even inside, as my tired body fought the infection. I rested in bed as Sam hit the outlet stores.

Nevertheless, this Christmas was full of joys and delights and many funny moments.

Sam hums when he’s busy. He hums when he’s packing, or preparing, or just generally content.

After an overly crowded Christmas Eve bus ride to Harrah’s (I rode next to a Trump supporter and managed civil and friendly conversation for two hours---thanks Dylan Marron!) we arrived. 

Sam hummed as we both unpacked. I found places for my various things, still chatting with my busy husband and didn’t notice until I looked up, finished, that the darling man had strung Christmas lights around a picture. And on the coffee table was a tiny pine tree bolstered by a blue blanket with one red ball hanging near the top. He had even thrown in a tiny nutcracker.

I exclaimed with delight at my thoughtful and imaginative husband. How did he think of these things? I never would have thought to bring decorations. He loves surprising me, and surprise me he did.

Before we caught the bus, he surprised me with a Christmas stocking. He had made one for each of us. They started with Christmas “Crackers”---a British/Canadian tradition usually part of a place setting. I squealed with delight as I snapped mine open, and we enjoyed our silly jokes and tiny toys with bright paper hats on our heads. Then we each got a scratch card---clever.

Next came two surprise toy bags or “blind bags” where one knows the general category but not the specifics of the tiny toy inside.  Again, clever boy. I got a tiny Buckbeak (from Harry Potter) and a tiny…something strange from a cartoon he follows. He got two tiny strange things and was delighted!

When we exchanged our gifts, I noticed how great Sam is at saying things like, “Oh…look at that.” “Isn’t that nice?” “Isn’t that something?” and spending real time and attention on each gift. I don’t think I do that. Now I want to be much more mindful when opening gifts.

So on to Christmas at Harrah’s with all the soulless horrors.

I noticed that, while I had some nostalgia and some twinges of loss, I didn’t mind that we had no Christmas service to attend.

I noticed that I did spend some time judging the people around me. I made up stories about how shallow they all must be and then felt superior and “better-than.” Judging them probably distracted me from judging myself for being at a casino over Christmas. 

Judgmental habits need to find things to judge---and it is far more comfortable to focus on judging outward than to judge oneself.  (Or, I could stop judging at all.)

Besides, when I looked inward, I was at peace.  I didn’t have a reason to judge myself, which then released any need to judge others. Hey presto! What a lovely Christmas gift.

But it was HARD not being able to communicate. I started carrying a notebook and pen. I typed stuff into my phone and held it up for others to read. I even tried Googling simple sign language, (as if anybody around me would know what I was trying to say).

It was fascinating how quickly people treated me as if I were deaf, even when I typed that I had laryngitis.  One person, when I was trying to communicate what I needed said, “Oh, bless your heart!” and started writing things out for me to read too.  A bartender apologized, saying he had taken a term of sign language but had forgotten all he learned. (Assuming I knew sign language.)  Within minutes, shopkeepers, bathroom attendants, and waitresses would start whispering or gesticulating around me---because that is what I was doing? Sam himself often became quiet, and told me it was hard to remember to speak at regular volume around me.

Sam and I were in line for over an hour for a buffet next to another couple. I noticed how rarely they looked at me, but looked primarily at Sam, because I never spoke. I wondered if that is what it is like for the quiet ones in a couple. Does the quiet one feel less visible? It was a fascinating psychological exercise.

          

                                      ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄

Meanwhile, HOW ARE WE?  

We are well!  After giving up at Starbucks---the bullying was intolerable and showed no signs of improving---Alison left and worked hard at building her wedding ministry and clutter clearing businesses.  

Much research revealed that nothing short of a full return to school to re-do most of her courses would satisfy New York’s Counselling certification, (they do not recognize “Theology” courses as counseling courses) so that avenue was not an option. The advertising expenses for the weddings was not covering the income, so she kept submitting resumes all over the place with little to no success.

Finally, a friend noticed that Mood Fabrics was hiring, so Alison tweaked her resume (again!) to highlight all her sewing experience, and after some back and forth, was hired by Philip Sauma himself, possibly because Alison is a pastor, but also because she was willing to serve where needed.

Within a short amount of time Alison has been helping the densely packed and richly stocked store relocate products for better visibility, create systems to better support inventory management, and make the customer and employee experiences easier and more intuitive.  She is so grateful to be trusted with the implementation of small changes, and tickled beyond measure at the gratitude and warmth of her coworkers. 

“I love working at Mood Fabrics. It is crazy and busy, but my fellow employees are hard-working and kind. I enjoy the variety of nationalities and abilities and that the store feels like a big family.  The owners are kind and my coworkers to date are thoughtful, hard working, and well-intentioned.”

Sam remains at Penguin Random House, receiving another raise, so even the tight money issues may eventually resolve, given careful stewardship by us both.

He seems to like being married.

 

It is Dec 29^th and I still cannot speak. I guess my voice needed a LONG vacation.

But I have so much to say!

I meditated on incarnation and “showing up” as I journeyed through this silent Christmas. I lay and dozed in the light of Sam’s Christmas lights, and felt safe and warm and full of gratitude for my miraculous husband. I reflected on how being present with “what is,” is the core of mindfulness. Not resistance, not preference, not even attempting to change or control the narrative---just accepting and working with “what is” can bring remarkable serenity and greater efficacy in the face of suffering. This sort of “showing up” has been increasingly what has enabled me to notice the blessings in my life---which are “Emmanuel” or where God is present with me.

Thank you for being one of the blessings in our lives. Thank you for reading all the way through this letter! May your new year be rich in growth and depth and spiritual blessings, and may we meet again soon, face-to-face.  

Alison and Sam Moore 

aka AliSam

BUT WAIT!!!!  How could I forget to mention one of the most important events of all in 2017?!

The birth of a new family member---a daughter for Eden and Aaron, who arrived January 10.  Andrea Katherine was born at home 5 days early with Eden's sister, Jennie, on hand to love and support her arrival. Being a grandmother is amazing. I love that child more than I knew was possible. She is surrounded by loving and wise family. My only wish, that I did not live 500 miles away. I include two pictures, one from when she was five days old, and one from this autumn. 

All the rest about her is her parents' right to share or keep private. 

She is a miracle.

Previous Christmas letters can be found here:
http://alisonlongstaffmoore.blogspot.com/2016/12/alisams-2016.html

https://cliffsidechapel.com/Christmas2015.htm

Finding Sam was a miracle. If that could happen, anything can!