“Funny
Things We Do In Relationship”
Rev. Alison Longstaff, Nov 2, 2014
Bath
Church of the New Jerusalem
Genesis 3: 6-13; Mark 10: 35-44; HS 189
Today’s Scripture readings showed
Adam and Eve feeling ashamed of their “nakedness.” Nakedness symbolizes having
our whole selves seen, flaws and all. Did
you notice both Adam and Eve trying to pass the blame onto someone else? We also saw some of the disciples squabbling
over who might get preferment in heaven, thinking they deserved it more than
the others. They were basically trying
to “call shotgun,” as if asking first
is how someone gets a good placement in heaven.
Our reading from Swedenborg told us that
we are all on the path to heaven, and that God, (or Goodness, or True Wisdom)
leads us constantly into greater and greater integrity step by step, if we are
willing and open to learn. But we
need to have humility and self-awareness—which is the ability to see ourselves honestly,
with all our strengths and weaknesses—so that we can learn about and change any
ways our behaviors, intentions, and motives don’t match our spiritual values or “conscience.”
If
we hide in the illusion that we are already perfect and it is everyone else that needs to change, we
have a skewed view of ourselves. It is
not honest nor accurate, nor humble. If
we spend energy trying to hide our flaws, we are taking away from our ability
to be honest and make the changes we desire.
Self-awareness
need not produce shame, even when we see our errors. Learning not to feel shame can be work, but doing
that work is very worth the emotional freedom it brings. Freedom from shame does not mean we have no
regrets or sorrow or embarrassment when we realize we have been out of balance
in our behavior or assumptions. Freedom
from toxic shame just means we waste no energy on self-abuse when we realize an
error. Freedom from toxic shame means all our energy can go into correcting or
amending our assumptions once we see an error, and into any apologies or reparations
where needed. We can’t correct something
we can’t see, and we can’t see ourselves accurately if we are utterly defended
against seeing any errors, and/or we don’t develop a habit of self-reflection
with compassion.
So,
having said that, we are going to move straight into a role play. In this role play, we will have a family
planning a vacation. But each family
member will be out of balance in one way or another. Let’s see what happens when each person is
unaware of their own errors and out of balance in their thoughts and
assumptions. (Volunteers please come
forward.)
The
Role Play is based on Virginia Satir’s theory of "coping stances."
These are habits or patterns that we fall into when we are trying to cope with
stress or emotional discomfort. We
typically cannot see how our own words and behaviors can be part of the problem
in unhappy relationships, especially when we have retreated into one of these
four imbalances.
Remember:
We all do each one to some degree or
another. Watch for yourself and your own
habits. If you find yourself thinking,
“Oh, that is: (some other person besides yourself)” Stop. Your job is you, not someone else. Watch for your
patterns. Overlook others.’
The
Blamer (Body position is angry pointing)
A blamer finds fault in others. The blamer generally assumes he/she is
right and often has contempt for everyone else's ideas and efforts. They
may say things like "You always…" "you never…" and
"you should…." The blamer wants control and will seek it actively
or covertly. They may give lip-service to others' needs, but don’t
actually treat them with equality or respect. (Blamers are often
partnered with placaters.) In reality, a blamer often does
not feel good about himself/herself. This stance makes him/her feel better
because it makes him/her feel powerful or effective.
The Placater (Body position is down on
one knee, hands raised in supplication)
The placater is only happy when
everyone else is happy. They are super "nice," sacrificing
their well-being again and again just to keep the peace. They place the
needs of everyone else over their own, often paying no attention to their own
needs. If asked, they think they have no needs because they are so
disconnected from listening to themselves. (Often partnered with a blamer). A
placator is compelled to please others. He/she apologizes for things that are not his/her
fault and has a hard time (often can’t) stand up for him/herself. The martyr, the “yes man,” this person’s
well-being is entirely centered in others.
There is no valuing or attention paid to their own needs. They are often exhausted, overworked,
inwardly empty, and full of unacknowledged resentment.
The
Super-Rational (aka Computer, Talking Head, etc) (Arms folded, nose slightly in
air)
This one takes
comfort in having everything figured out. They have "the
answers" or the explanation, and that is their refuge. They stay
entirely in their intellect, devoid of feeling. Having the situation
figured out is the only thing that matters. They love analysis,
especially when it is for supporting their sense of security in their intelligence.
(This can slide into blaming to the extent that they feel superior to everyone
else.) They may give a clear-cut analysis of a situation, but there will
be no feeling, no empathy, no sense of connection, no impulse to help
out. Human need is nowhere on the radar. This stance is unfortunately
often thought of as the ideal goal for many people. The super-rational one is
very correct, very reasonable, very logical. But he/she does not show any
vulnerability though he/she often feels it. Don’t mistake this one for a person
who is centered, grounded, and calm. You know you are dealing with a computer
because you will not feel understood.
(Often partnered with Irrelevant)
The Irrelevant (aka Clown,
Distracter, etc) (Wiggling, random, or zoned out.)
This is the ADD kid, the family clown, the
disconnected teenager, the one who can't listen or pay attention. This
one is disconnected. They are unable to care about their own dreams,
others' interests, or what they may need to be doing in their own lives on a
practical level. They are restless or zoned out, change the subject,
crack jokes, call attention to things completely off-topic, are unable to pay
attention, etc. A
distractor talks about unrelated subjects while under stress. He/She does not talk to the point and is very
unfocused. “Who cares?” is the attitude. He/she hopes that by not dealing with
the problem it will go away. There is
often a deep underlying feeling of loneliness and purposelessness. It may seem
that nothing bothers this one, but it is actually a lonely and meaningless
place to be. (Often partnered with Super-Reasonable)
There is another pose, and that
one is the healthy, balanced pose we want to aim toward.
Congruent
(aka Leveler, Balanced, Flowing) (Direct gaze, calm, arms relaxed.)
This
one keeps their own needs, others' needs and the situation's needs in balance.
They are rational and non-reactive, but emotionally connected. They often radiate
presence, warmth, and compassion. A leveler
apologizes when she makes a mistake. If an error has been committed, he will
evaluate fairly without blaming. Sometimes she will be
talking intellectually but her feeling is still intact. When there is a
problem, he will deal appropriately rather than shove it under the rug. A leveler conducts life with integrity,
commitment, and creativity.
Even
ONE person holding strong in congruence or balance can transform an
interaction. It won't be perfect, but invariably calms down the tensions
and invites greater congruence in others.
We watched the family try to plan their Spring Break vacation with a blaming dad, a placating mom, an irrelevant daughter, and a super-rational son. They couldn't get anywhere! After we watched them struggle a while, we stopped the action and asked the irrelevant one to become the "congruent" or leveling one while the other three held their positions somewhat. They were able to get more done, though it was still pretty bumpy. We then asked the role players about their thoughts and observations.
Most felt discomfort at having to hold their imbalance so long. They also recognized themselves or others' dynamics from some past relationships. It was uncomfortable to watch, but also funny and sympathetic. We thanked and dismissed the actors.
Then I asked the room, "What
did you observe and learn about yourself while watching the role-plays?" :Was it uncomfortable?" I reminded us all that we do all of these sometimes, and that it was not about blame or shame, but about self-awareness.
I summed up the morning's presentation with these words:
As
always, know that moving toward “congruence” is the goal. No one arrives and stays there. No one is
perfect. We all lapse—especially under stress.
But the more we can develop a habit of congruence, the easier all our
relationships and communications can become.
Not a cure-all, but definitely will bring marked improvements over time.
Even one person holding balance or
congruence shifts any relationship or group toward better health, and invites
better communication and better relationship.
Welcome
to a great tool for moving toward “heaven” aka toward healthier, happier relationships.
1. Try
to stay clear of blaming.
2. Try
to stay in touch with your own needs and champion them without trumping others’
needs.
3. When
you fall into “figuring things out” without compassion or heart connection,
realize it is a defense mechanism, and look for your heart and compassion.
4. When
you feel like things are hopeless, and you can’t make a difference, or the
world has gone crazy, or there is no point in trying, or you simply can’t take anything seriously, find your soul ASAP. Learn
what spiritual disciplines or mentors or messages restore you to yourself and to
your joy and meaning, and PURSUE them until you feel connected and purposeful
again.
You
do not have to be a victim of other people’s patterns or bad habits. You CAN make a difference in all your
relationships. You can make a difference
in the world. There are tools. There is
wisdom. There is a way that invites
healing for everyone.
Genesis: 3:6-13
So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food,
that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to
make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to
her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were
opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig
leaves together and made themselves coverings.
And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day,
and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the
garden.
Then the Lord God
called to Adam and said to him, “Where are you?”
So he said, “I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid
because I was naked; and I hid myself.” And
He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten
from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?” Then the man said, “The woman whom You
gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.” And the Lord God
said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and
I ate.”
Mark 10:35-44
35 James
and John, the sons of Zebedee, came forward to him and said to him, “Teacher,
we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.” 36 And he said to
them, “What is it you want me to do for you?” 37 And they said to
him, “Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your
glory.” 38 But Jesus said to them, “You do not know what you are
asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I drink, or be baptized with the
baptism that I am baptized with?” 39 They replied, “We are able.” Then
Jesus said to them, “The cup that I drink you will drink; and with the baptism
with which I am baptized, you will be baptized; 40 but to sit at my
right hand or at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it
has been prepared.”
41 When the ten
heard this, they began to be angry with James and John. 42 So Jesus
called them and said to them, “You know that among the Gentiles those whom they
recognize as their rulers lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants
over them.43 But it is not so among you; but whoever wishes to become
great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wishes to be
first among you must be servant of all.
Heavenly Secrets #189. Afterwards, I
saw pathways sloping gently upward, symbolizing the way that each person is
lead gradually toward heaven. It is by developing some set of principles or a
conscience about what is true and good, and by learning self-awareness, that
each person is led by degrees toward heaven. No one can be drawn toward heaven
without having a set of values from some system of spiritual truth nor without
cultivating humble self-awareness.
I hope that was easy. If it was, I suspect you are on the road to learning better civil discourse and healthier communication skills.
