Forgive Us Our Debts

“Forgive Us Our Debts”

Rev. Alison Longstaff, Oct. 13, 2015

Bath Church of the New Jerusalem

Isaiah 40:6-11; Luke 16: 19-31; Heavenly Secrets 6960 

I love researching sermons.  The deeper I delve, the bigger and broader and more amazingly interconnected the insights become.  (It doesn’t get better than being Swedenborgian in my honest opinion.)

Heavenly Secrets 6960. ‘Put your hand into your bosom’ means making truth ones own. This is evident from the meaning of ‘hand’ as power, and from the meaning of ‘bosom’ as love. The chest corresponds to love since the chest holds within it the heart.  We have a sense of ownership of or attachment to the things we love. Therefore ‘the bosom’ symbolizes the things we ‘own’ or identify with, which is the same as the things we love.  For this reason ‘putting a hand into one’s bosom’ here means making something one’s own.  And for this reason 'the bosom’ symbolizes a person’s true self, or all the things with which one identifies or one ‘owns.’ 

“Forgive us our debts.”

I have had this topic on my heart for a while, having listened to many stories of good people struggling with overwhelming debt in the past several years.  I came to Maine with no debt and will be leaving with several thousand in debt, so it is an active personal topic as well. 

According to my book-keeping program, I now have a negative net worth.  I am worth less than nothing.  It doesn’t matter what my character is or my desire to do good, or my kindness, or my life experience.  Put me next to someone who earns more than I do—who owns more than I do—and I can be seen as “worth less” or worthless.  In today’s culture it means I must be less deserving.  That it would tell Jesus the same thing were He among us today is only a little comforting.

“Forgive us our debts.”

Debt weighs heavily on our hearts.  In this culture in particular debt seems to strike at our very sense of human worth, not just material worth.

Take yourself back to a time when you realized that you owed far more than you could pay.  Surely everyone in this room has experienced that bottom-dropping-out sensation—that cold hollow in the gut when you realized you didn’t know how you would repay a debt. Remember that insurmountable bill—that frightening peek into the future that struck at your very sense of worth and capability.  It doesn’t feel good.

To have a hopeless, unpayable debt forgiven, throws us sobbing on our knees.

As I researched this topic, I kept being struck by the relationship of debt with ownership, and Swedenborg’s extensive discussion of what is “our own.”  In spiritual growth circles, phrases have emerged such as “I need to own my part of it,” and “that wasn’t mine to own”.  They are used to describe how we do or don’t take responsibility over our part in misunderstanding and conflict.  Spiritual growth work invites us into greater and greater clarity over what we do and don’t “own” in our relationships. This clarity brings healing to all areas of our lives. We develop the ability to “own” our part rather than “pass the buck” to someone else. 

Spiritual “ownership” means we take responsibility for our contributions to life situations.  We become better and better at managing what is ours and leaving alone what isn’t ours in our relationships with others. We start spending increasing energy on our own spiritual territory and stop spending so much energy on what other people “should” be doing. The metaphor holds strong all the way through.  Our debts are all the things we are refusing to take responsibility for yet which drain our ability to be of service to others.  We need help acknowledging them and learning to manage them. This is far easier than it sounds but it is essential to our happiness.

“Forgive us our debts.”

When the scripture reading from Isaiah says that God carries the lambs in His bosom, it is symbolizing the way God embraces our innocence and vulnerability.  The bosom symbolizes what someone loves most—it is the “heart place.”  The female bosom symbolizes motherly comfort and nourishment; the male bosom symbolizes fatherly protection and strength.  The Divine bosom encapsulates all of these qualities in one and transcends them as well.  Our weakness and ignorance are next to God’s heart.  He carries us tenderly even when we feel weak and unworthy.

When we pledge allegiance, we put our hand to our “bosom.” This shows our willingness to support something we hold dear.  This intuitive act of placing our hand on our heart springs from the spiritual meaning of showing commitment to the things that have the most meaning in our lives. 

Swedenborg tells us that we are what we love.  The things we draw to ourselves represent our desire to “own” or be identified with those things.  Ultimately, everything we pull close represent what we love, and what we love is who we are.  Why would we pull close those things that reflect badly on us, even if we are responsible for their existence?

 “Forgive us our debts.”

We say that phrase every time we say the Lord’s Prayer. It is a simple phase, holding within it such a world of meaning.  We are not asking that God forgive our debts when we pray this.  We are stating the reality of what God is already doing.  Our “debts” are already and continuously forgiven by God.  It is we who cannot forgive our debts.  It is we who feel the shame, and can get caught between denial and self-abuse when we realize how much we “owe” spiritually.  We struggle with all aspects of spiritual ownership. We tend to swing between wanting too much “credit” or wanting none at all even though it is due.  We notice when others “take credit” unduly and we feel the injustice of it.

Where do you lie on the spectrum of ownership of your spiritual worth?  Do you acknowledge the riches you have and use them in wise service, or do you tend to feel undeserving and bury them in the ground? Are your riches repeatedly cast before swine?  When the world wants to hand you responsibility because of your spiritual abilities, do you hide your gifts under a bushel, or do you step up and offer from your bounty?  Or are you the one most likely to give energetically more than you have only to end up needing help yourself or in debt?

Because we all tend to be out of balance in one direction or the other, there is only honor in recognizing yourself in one of these profiles.  “Owning” your tendencies is the first step toward a healthier spiritual “financial portfolio.”  As for me, I am the one who gives away too much.  I repeatedly “spend” too much on helping others, forgetting to leave enough for myself.  There is a false “Christian” cachet associated with this way of living that is not actually helpful.  Another name for an overly-sacrificing style of relationship might be “codependency.” So detrimental can codependency be to healthy relationship, it now has its own twelve step group to aid people in recovery. Far from making everything better as it likes to believe it can, codependence is often as big a part of the problem as what it is trying to help.

And this brings us back to ownership.  If I am too ashamed to “own” the ways I am codependent, but instead pass responsibility onto others, (blaming) I will never get free of my spiritual “debts.”  Only by owning my part in each problem to the best of my ability (but no more than my part) can I help restore my relationships to their rightful balance.  Even if those around me are wobbling in their balance, the more stable and healthy I am in myself, the more I make space for others to find their balance.  The only debt I can own is my own.  The only contribution I am responsible for is my own.  And because we are all so interconnected, the more stable and balanced I become, the more easily those around me can find their own balance.

“Forgive us our debts.”

My grandfather kept a little black book on each of his eight children, tallying what they were costing him as they grew up. Imagine the emotional impact that must have had on those seven little girls and one little boy.  One day my grandmother, who rarely stood up to her charismatic but often violently angry husband, threw those books in the fire.  He never raised a hand to her, they say.

A chasm of unworthiness existed in the heart of my grandfather. He could not forgive himself for whatever he thought was so completely unlovable inside himself, so he spread harsh judgment and blame onto those around him.  A terrible accuser existed inside his own consciousness, placing on him a sense of debt so great he could never get out from under it.  He could not love his children because he could not love himself.  I don’t know what wound he carried, but I don’t believe he ever forgave himself on this earth. He died of a massive heart attack at age forty eight.  My prayer is that he found the self-forgiveness he needed in the life to come.

 

“Forgive us our debts.”

God would no more keep a book of deposits and debits on our spiritual account than would any loving parent.  Imagine saying to a newborn, “Well, it will be twenty thousand for the hospital fees; another ten thousand for the prenatal visits, blood-tests, and ultrasounds; then there was the six hundred for the maternity wardrobe; two hundred for the prenatal vitamins; and we haven’t even begun to add up the costs of diapers, immunizations, clothing, school costs, university….  Will that be check or credit card?”

We can never repay our “debt” to God, but it isn’t about debt, with God.  It is we who cannot forgive our debts, not God.  We are born profoundly imperfect, frightened, and ignorant.  We then inherit whatever the family legacy might be, be it privilege and loving support or blame, abuse, and addiction, or something in between.  If we leave this life having made any progress on the spiritual family legacy, I count it as a win. Besides, no one can see our spiritual balance sheets but God anyway.

And God forgave our debts before we were born.

Amen

The Readings

Isaiah 40: 6-11

The voice said, “Cry out!”

And I said, “What shall I cry?”

“All flesh is grass, And all its loveliness is like the flower of the field. The grass withers, the flower fades, because the breath of the Lord blows upon it; surely the people are grass. The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our God stands forever.”

O Zion, You who bring good tidings, get up into the high mountain;

O Jerusalem, You who bring good tidings, lift up your voice with strength. Lift it up, be not afraid;
Say to the cities of Judah, “Behold your God!”

Behold, the Lord God shall come with a strong hand, and His arm shall rule for Him;

Behold, His reward is with Him, and His work before Him.

He will feed His flock like a shepherd; He will gather the lambs with His arm, and carry them in His bosom, and gently lead those who are with young.

Luke 16:19-31

“There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

“The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. In Hades, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus in his bosom. So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’

“But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been set in place, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’

“He answered, ‘Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my family, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.’

“Abraham replied, ‘They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.’

“‘No, father Abraham,’ he said, ‘but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.’

“He said to him, ‘If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.’”

Releasing Resentment - sermon May 3 2015

“Releasing Resentment”

Rev. Alison Longstaff, May 3, 2015

Bath Church of the New Jerusalem

Genesis 37:3-8, Mark 11:22–25; HS 4681 

Heavenly Secrets 4681

The phrase, “And they hated him, and could not speak peaceably to him,” symbolizes contempt and aversion. “Not being able to speak peaceably to him” symbolizes aversion, because speaking peaceably to someone requires wishing that other person well.  When the earliest peoples heard the word “peace” they thought of the Lord Himself—for this is the meaning of Peace at the highest level.  An angel’s state of peace in heaven, which is also called “salvation,” is the next highest meaning. The lowest and most obvious meaning for the ancient peoples was the comparable state of a peaceful person on earth, which is a state of spiritual well-being.  Being “unable to speak peaceably to [Joseph]” symbolizes that they were in a state which is opposite to “peace” and includes not wishing the other well. Emanuel Swedenborg

This write-up is based on an extemporaneous sermon which included an interactive portion.  My sermons are rarely extemporaneous, mainly because the congregation is used to having a printed copy to consult while I deliver it.  This also makes it easier to share with friends and send out via email.

But from time to time I will do an interactive service that invites deep self-reflection—maybe once or twice a year.  These often include a call to self-reflection that serves rather like a spiritual spring-cleaning. I think these worship services loosen things up a little bit and shake the dust out of our spiritual thinking.  I recognize that they are not everyone’s cup of tea. Today was one of those.

Resentment.

We all know what it is.  We all live with it.

But think about this saying:  

“Resentment is like eating rat poison and expecting a rat to die.”

Resentment eats us up inside.  It does nothing to hurt the other person or to resolve the cause of the hurt.

So what do we do when we are hurt by or angry at a person or group, or some ideology, and cannot let go of it?  So long as we harbor resentment, it is as if acid is eating us up inside, no one else.  Why do we feel like we are accomplishing something by feeling resentful?

Today I am going to teach you a tool for tackling resentment.  I learned it from my experiences with the Twelve Steps.

In the twelve-step program, a very important and transformative step is the Fourth Step which is: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”  A fourth step is intended to be as comprehensive a self-examination as possible.  It is to be written down.  (It is no coincidence that the Twelve Steps embody all the elements of Swedenborg's “repentance, reformation, and regeneration.”  Bill Wilson, one of the co-founders of AA was married to Swedenborgian, Lois Burnham Wilson, who also founded Al-Anon.)

If you want practical, down-to-earth tools to help you on the path to personal reformation, look no farther than the Twelve Steps.  You don’t have to have an addiction for them to transform your life.

A key reason so many of us avoid a thorough self-examination is that we are afraid of what we will find.  It is rather like inviting a deep home inspection.  What if the inspector finds that the foundation is rotting, the roof is leaking, and the electrical is about to short out?  What if we will be expected to fix it all immediately and we can’t afford to?  What if everyone finds out what a mess we are and we feel terrible shame? Who wants to look in the mirror and see that we are much more overweight than we hoped, or that we have lost more hair than we realized, or that our saggy bits are saggier than ever?  Shame and self-loathing can be insidious, and it is no wonder we avoid them.  But they are not ever the intended outcome of self-examination, nor God’s plan for our eternal happiness.

Maybe one of the things we will discover when we examine ourselves is that we are far too harsh with ourselves?

Think about someone you love and admire.  Go ahead.  Close your eyes.  Who comes to mind?  Who comes to your heart?  Now ask yourself, do you love them because of how they look, or because of how they love?  When you see a photograph of that person, do you pick apart their appearance with a critical eye, or do you just feel happy to see someone you love?

Now, how do you respond to most pictures of yourself?  Unless you are unusually gifted in appearance or are remarkably unattached to your appearance, (or are a narcissist,) you would be like most of us.  Most of us do not respond to pictures of ourselves with the same enthusiasm we do to those of someone we love.  We can be pretty hard on ourselves.  Can we learn to do unto ourselves as we do unto those we love?

So when you do your self-examination, do it with the eyes of love.  Be open to seeing the areas that need work, but know that you don’t need to be afraid of them and that everything can be repaired and healed in time.  Everything.

And so now I invite you to do a mini fourth step.  It will be specific, and you are free to meditate, or look like you are thinking, or daydream instead.  But I do encourage you to give this a try.  This particular fourth step approaches self-examination by looking at our resentments, and I have found it a powerful and transformative tool.  No one will see what you write.  There will be no “sharing” or “soul-baring” following the exercise.  This is for you and you alone.

If this process stirs up something that you wish to talk about later, I am available to listen to and support you in a private setting at some future time.  But at this time, this process is just for you.

So take your paper and mark it into four columns.  At the top of the first column write “I Resent.”  Now, take some time and pick the top three that come to mind.  If you were doing a full fourth step you would list and list and list every possible resentment you could think of from your whole life.  It might be pages and pages.  It could take days.  I know for me, thinking of things I was mad about was easy.  I had no idea just how resentful was until I did this fourth step.

For this morning just pick two or three.  They might be related to a person, or an institution, or even an ideology.  It can be from the past or be quite recent.

All done?

Now at the top of the next column write “Why? What Happened?”  Answer this in the column below in relation to the items you listed in the first column.  Be sure to be as specific as you feel you have time.  This is a time of championing yourself.  I know I tend to find this column easy to fill in too.

All done?

At the top of column three write: “How This Affects Me Today.”  In this column you will continue answering according to the resentments you listed in column one.  Again, be specific.  Do not put, “I am fine,” or “It doesn’t affect me.”  If it didn’t affect you and you are fine, you wouldn’t have listed it.  It wouldn’t even have crossed your mind.  There is something dark still lingering in connection to it or you wouldn’t have picked it as one of your top three resentments.  Believe me when I say, no matter how big or old or hopeless it may look, every hurt can be “cast down and thrown into the sea” with good support and tools, with God’s help and being kind to yourself.

Finished? 

At the top of column four write: “My Responsibility Then and Now.”  Now this is important:  You may have shared in the hurtful dynamic of what happened.  But depending on how old you were and the power dynamic at the time, you may have held no responsibility (even if the ones in power tried to blame you).  It is a completely legitimate response to fill in that you did nothing to invite what happened.  For example, if you were harmed as a little child, you cannot in any way be responsible for what happened to you.  If you are not sure, leave it blank.  It will become clearer later, if you wish to understand and are open to it.

While there are many ways in life that we might have been hurt and did nothing to deserve it, the lingering anger and resentment can follow us and eat away at us long after the event.  Someone who lost a limb or a loved one in the Boston bombing could understandably feel ongoing anger and resentment, and they did nothing wrong to deserve what happened to them.  Such losses are permanent and catastrophic, and one does not “get over” them.  One has to find a way to go on with life despite them.

And here is where the second part—My Responsibility…Now—is especially important.  Our responsibility now is about seeing where we have choices now. 

When I did this exercise, I realized that though I had been hurt deeply as a child, I was still harboring the resentment forty years later.  I was continuing to hold the hurt inside me and I missed no opportunity to bad-mouth the one who hurt me.  I was not approaching that person nor attempting to express my hurt or ask for an apology.  There was even, I admit, a kind of pleasure in feeling so angry and … self-righteous?  I certainly felt better than that person, and I felt entitled to stick little pins in her back whenever I could.

It was uncomfortable to realize that I was now keeping this negative cycle going.  Yet it was a relief, too.  The child in me needed to hear that it wasn’t her fault and she didn’t deserve what happened.  But the adult in me needed to see that I was behaving badly and hurting myself and others now.  I was certainly not treating her the way I would want to be treated—according to the Golden Rule.  While I was feeling spiteful and superior, she was oblivious.  This gave me a feeling of power. While I was gossiping and spinning negative stories about her, she had no idea.  It was not pretty.

I have been on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour and it feels awful.  However I cannot judge when someone does this to me, because I definitely have done it too.

And as hard as it was to see that truth about myself, I was grateful to become aware of it and start to change it.  I did not want to be “that person.”  I had had no idea I was “that person.”  I was too busy being a martyr and a victim.  Was I victimized?  Yes.  Was I now handling it in a mature and spiritually responsible way and owning where I was at fault?  Not until that moment.  And even after that moment, it has taken considerable time and effort to change that long-standing habit of back-stabbing that particular person.

I have been told I’m brave.  But stabbing someone in the back is not brave.  Creating a safe space and talking it out with her would be brave.  I have yet to do that.  I might never actually get that brave.  But I am shifting how I see her and am coming to release the emotions that are eating me up inside. I am biting my tongue when I want to say something mean about her, because that is something I can do that moves me into forgiveness and greater integrity. 

So I will give you time now to explore in that final column the ways you might be part of the ongoing pain.  This is not about blame.  This is about realizing ways we can become free of hurtful emotions that we hadn’t seen before.  Be very gentle with yourself.  Or, just meditate and breathe.  I will give you several minutes to complete this final column.

Forgiveness is a funny thing.  It doesn’t mean that what happened is okay.  It does mean we are releasing all the ways something might continue to hurt us, and that takes time.  It can take years and years.  There is nothing wrong with you if it takes years for you to release all your resentments.  I doubt any of us do release them all in this lifetime. But do know that with each one truly released, life gets lighter, clearer and more peaceful.    

You now may have a potent paper in your hand. It is yours to do with as you wish.  It might be a valuable new friend and reveal a path to a much more peaceful soul.   God go with you.

Amen

Source: http://www.12step.org/docs/Step4_Inventory.pdf

Inventory columns

Column 1: Resentments.

“I resent” List all people, places, things, institutions, ideas or principles with whom you are angry, whom you resent, or feel hurt or threatened by.

Column 2: “Why? What happened?”

The Cause. Be specific as to why you were/are angry or hurt.

Column 3: How It Affects Me Today”

How did it make you feel? How does it still make you feel? Be specific, detailed, and thorough.

Column 4: “My Responsibility Then and Now” 

Where was your responsibility at the time? What is it now?  What might you have done instead? What might you be doing instead today? Where might you be at fault?

The Readings

Genesis 37: 3-8

Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a special robe just for him. When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.

Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him all the more. He said to them, “Listen to this dream I had: We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it.”

His brothers said to him, “Do you intend to reign over us? Will you actually rule us?” And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said.

Mark 11: 22-25

 "Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 

"I tell you the truth, if you say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and do not doubt in your heart but believe that what you says will happen, it will be done for you.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. 

And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive that one, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

The Funny Things We Do In Relationship

“Funny Things We Do In Relationship”

Rev. Alison Longstaff, Nov 2, 2014

Bath Church of the New Jerusalem

Genesis 3: 6-13; Mark 10: 35-44; HS 189

Today’s Scripture readings showed Adam and Eve feeling ashamed of their “nakedness.” Nakedness symbolizes having our whole selves seen, flaws and all.  Did you notice both Adam and Eve trying to pass the blame onto someone else?  We also saw some of the disciples squabbling over who might get preferment in heaven, thinking they deserved it more than the others.  They were basically trying to “call shotgun,” as if asking first is how someone gets a good placement in heaven.

Our reading from Swedenborg told us that we are all on the path to heaven, and that God, (or Goodness, or True Wisdom) leads us constantly into greater and greater integrity step by step, if we are willing and open to learn.  But we need to have humility and self-awareness—which is the ability to see ourselves honestly, with all our strengths and weaknesses—so that we can learn about and change any ways our behaviors, intentions, and motives don’t match our spiritual values or “conscience.”

If we hide in the illusion that we are already perfect and it is everyone else that needs to change, we have a skewed view of ourselves.  It is not honest nor accurate, nor humble.  If we spend energy trying to hide our flaws, we are taking away from our ability to be honest and make the changes we desire.

 

Self-awareness need not produce shame, even when we see our errors.  Learning not to feel shame can be work, but doing that work is very worth the emotional freedom it brings.  Freedom from shame does not mean we have no regrets or sorrow or embarrassment when we realize we have been out of balance in our behavior or assumptions.  Freedom from toxic shame just means we waste no energy on self-abuse when we realize an error. Freedom from toxic shame means all our energy can go into correcting or amending our assumptions once we see an error, and into any apologies or reparations where needed.  We can’t correct something we can’t see, and we can’t see ourselves accurately if we are utterly defended against seeing any errors, and/or we don’t develop a habit of self-reflection with compassion.

So, having said that, we are going to move straight into a role play.  In this role play, we will have a family planning a vacation.  But each family member will be out of balance in one way or another.  Let’s see what happens when each person is unaware of their own errors and out of balance in their thoughts and assumptions.  (Volunteers please come forward.)

The Role Play is based on Virginia Satir’s theory of "coping stances." These are habits or patterns that we fall into when we are trying to cope with stress or emotional discomfort.  We typically cannot see how our own words and behaviors can be part of the problem in unhappy relationships, especially when we have retreated into one of these four imbalances.

Remember: We all do each one to some degree or another.  Watch for yourself and your own habits.  If you find yourself thinking, “Oh, that is: (some other person besides yourself)” Stop.  Your job is you, not someone else.  Watch for your patterns.  Overlook others.’

The Blamer (Body position is angry pointing)

A blamer finds fault in others.  The blamer generally assumes he/she is right and often has contempt for everyone else's ideas and efforts.  They may say things like "You always…" "you never…" and "you should…."  The blamer wants control and will seek it actively or covertly.  They may give lip-service to others' needs, but don’t actually treat them with equality or respect.  (Blamers are often partnered with placaters.) In reality, a blamer often does not feel good about himself/herself. This stance makes him/her feel better because it makes him/her feel powerful or effective.

The Placater (Body position is down on one knee, hands raised in supplication)

The placater is only happy when everyone else is happy.  They are super "nice," sacrificing their well-being again and again just to keep the peace.  They place the needs of everyone else over their own, often paying no attention to their own needs.  If asked, they think they have no needs because they are so disconnected from listening to themselves. (Often partnered with a blamer). A placator is compelled to please others.  He/she apologizes for things that are not his/her fault and has a hard time (often can’t) stand up for him/herself.  The martyr, the “yes man,” this person’s well-being is entirely centered in others.  There is no valuing or attention paid to their own needs.  They are often exhausted, overworked, inwardly empty, and full of unacknowledged resentment.

The Super-Rational (aka Computer, Talking Head, etc) (Arms folded, nose slightly in air)

This one takes comfort in having everything figured out. They have "the answers" or the explanation, and that is their refuge.  They stay entirely in their intellect, devoid of feeling.  Having the situation figured out is the only thing that matters.  They love analysis, especially when it is for supporting their sense of security in their intelligence. (This can slide into blaming to the extent that they feel superior to everyone else.)  They may give a clear-cut analysis of a situation, but there will be no feeling, no empathy, no sense of connection, no impulse to help out.  Human need is nowhere on the radar. This stance is unfortunately often thought of as the ideal goal for many people. The super-rational one is very correct, very reasonable, very logical. But he/she does not show any vulnerability though he/she often feels it. Don’t mistake this one for a person who is centered, grounded, and calm. You know you are dealing with a computer because you will not feel understood.  (Often partnered with Irrelevant)

The Irrelevant (aka Clown, Distracter, etc) (Wiggling, random, or zoned out.)

This is the ADD kid, the family clown, the disconnected teenager, the one who can't listen or pay attention.  This one is disconnected.  They are unable to care about their own dreams, others' interests, or what they may need to be doing in their own lives on a practical level.  They are restless or zoned out, change the subject, crack jokes, call attention to things completely off-topic, are unable to pay attention, etc.  A distractor talks about unrelated subjects while under stress.  He/She does not talk to the point and is very unfocused. “Who cares?” is the attitude. He/she hopes that by not dealing with the problem it will go away.  There is often a deep underlying feeling of loneliness and purposelessness. It may seem that nothing bothers this one, but it is actually a lonely and meaningless place to be. (Often partnered with Super-Reasonable)

There is another pose, and that one is the healthy, balanced pose we want to aim toward.

Congruent (aka Leveler, Balanced, Flowing) (Direct gaze, calm, arms relaxed.)

This one keeps their own needs, others' needs and the situation's needs in balance. They are rational and non-reactive, but emotionally connected.  They often radiate presence, warmth, and compassion. A leveler apologizes when she makes a mistake. If an error has been committed, he will evaluate fairly without blaming. Sometimes she will be talking intellectually but her feeling is still intact. When there is a problem, he will deal appropriately rather than shove it under the rug.  A leveler conducts life with integrity, commitment, and creativity.

Even ONE person holding strong in congruence or balance can transform an interaction.  It won't be perfect, but invariably calms down the tensions and invites greater congruence in others. 

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We watched the family try to plan their Spring Break vacation with a blaming dad, a placating mom, an irrelevant daughter, and a super-rational son.  They couldn't get anywhere!  After we watched them struggle a while, we stopped the action and asked the irrelevant one to become the "congruent" or leveling one while the other three held their positions somewhat.  They were able to get more done, though it was still pretty bumpy.  We then asked the role players about their thoughts and observations.

Most felt discomfort at having to hold their imbalance so long.  They also recognized themselves or others' dynamics from some past relationships.  It was uncomfortable to watch, but also funny and sympathetic.  We thanked and dismissed the actors.

Then I asked the room, "What did you observe and learn about yourself while watching the role-plays?"  :Was it uncomfortable?"  I reminded us all that we do all of these sometimes, and that it was not about blame or shame, but about self-awareness.

I summed up the morning's presentation with these words: 

As always, know that moving toward “congruence” is the goal.  No one arrives and stays there. No one is perfect. We all lapse—especially under stress.  But the more we can develop a habit of congruence, the easier all our relationships and communications can become.  Not a cure-all, but definitely will bring marked improvements over time.

Even one person holding balance or congruence shifts any relationship or group toward better health, and invites better communication and better relationship.

Welcome to a great tool for moving toward “heaven” aka toward healthier, happier relationships.

1. Try to stay clear of blaming. 

2. Try to stay in touch with your own needs and champion them without trumping others’ needs.

3.  When you fall into “figuring things out” without compassion or heart connection, realize it is a defense mechanism, and look for your heart and compassion. 

4.  When you feel like things are hopeless, and you can’t make a difference, or the world has gone crazy, or there is no point in trying, or you simply can’t take anything seriously, find your soul ASAP.  Learn what spiritual disciplines or mentors or messages restore you to yourself and to your joy and meaning, and PURSUE them until you feel connected and purposeful again.

You do not have to be a victim of other people’s patterns or bad habits.  You CAN make a difference in all your relationships.  You can make a difference in the world. There are tools.  There is wisdom.  There is a way that invites healing for everyone.

Amen.  

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The Readings

Genesis: 3:6-13

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, “Where are you?”

So he said, “I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”  And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?”  Then the man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.”  And the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”  The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Mark 10:35-44

35 James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came forward to him and said to him, “Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.” 36 And he said to them, “What is it you want me to do for you?” 37 And they said to him, “Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your glory.” 38 But Jesus said to them, “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I drink, or be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?” 39 They replied, “We are able.” Then Jesus said to them, “The cup that I drink you will drink; and with the baptism with which I am baptized, you will be baptized; 40 but to sit at my right hand or at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared.”

41 When the ten heard this, they began to be angry with James and John. 42 So Jesus called them and said to them, “You know that among the Gentiles those whom they recognize as their rulers lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them.43 But it is not so among you; but whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wishes to be first among you must be servant of all. 

Heavenly Secrets #189. Afterwards, I saw pathways sloping gently upward, symbolizing the way that each person is lead gradually toward heaven. It is by developing some set of principles or a conscience about what is true and good, and by learning self-awareness, that each person is led by degrees toward heaven. No one can be drawn toward heaven without having a set of values from some system of spiritual truth nor without cultivating humble self-awareness.