Heaven and Hell - a sermon, March 22, 2015

“Heaven and Hell”

Rev. Alison Longstaff, March 22, 2015

Bath Church of the New Jerusalem

Morning Has Broken; God Is Love, Let Heaven Adore Him; Lord, Look Down From Heaven

Psalm 139:1-12, Luke 17: 20-21; HS 8153

After I began this sermon, I quickly realized I had material for many, many sermons.  There are so many possible points of exploration when it comes to talking about heaven and hell; I could not possibly discuss them all in one short (or even long-ish) sermon.  I found myself sectioning off paragraph after paragraph and setting them aside for other sermons so as to keep this one from being too long.  Stay tuned for “Heaven and Hell, Part(s) Two,” (and “Three,” and “Four….”).

This morning we are going to explore the following three questions relating to heaven and hell:

1. What are heaven and hell like? (Harps, wings, and clouds vs. a lake of fire?)
2. Where, or rather, when are they? (Happening right now, or coming sometime in the future?)
3. Who is responsible regarding where we end up?

First out of the gate, I must mention that Emanuel Swedenborg wrote an entire book on Heaven and Hell.  Heaven and Hell is far and away one of his easier books to read.  He wrote in Latin in the 1700s, and even in translation, he is one of the least “sound-bite accessible” authors I know.  A class on how to use Twitter could have transformed his accessibility to today’s audience!  Nevertheless it is a fascinating read, and will certainly change how you explore this topic.

1. Meanwhile, today we ask, what are heaven and hell like?

We've probably all seen the Philadelphia Cream Cheese commercial with the winged angel (eating cream cheese) on the clouds. She’s perky and cute, and just lacks a harp and blond hair to capture the perfect stereotype of an angel in heaven. 

Hmm.  Heaven will be sitting on a cloud, playing a harp?  Really?  I ask you, do you think a brilliantly wise, loving, and all powerful God would make our eternal existence break down to that?  (Can I at least keep my cell phone?)

We have also all probably seen images of the burning fires of hell, especially in jokes.  In one joke there are several Canadians revelling in all the glorious heat (after all their ice and snow and cold. “Mainers” could easily be substituted for “Canadians” in that part of the joke).  The devil keeps turning the heat up, frustrated because the Canadians aren’t suffering enough. Everyone else is moaning and wailing all the louder. But the Canadians just unzip their parkas and grin, enjoying it even more.  Finally, the devil decides to turn the heat right off and turn up the freezer instead, thinking that making it really cold is the way to make the Canadians suffer. There are icicles hanging from the icicles and frost even on the devil’s eyelashes when he comes to see how badly the Canadians are suffering. Instead he finds them jumping up and down with joy.  “Bring on the beer!” they shout. He stares at them in bewilderment. “Hell has frozen over!  That means the Maple Leafs must have won the Stanley Cup!” 

(You might have to be Canadian to truly appreciate that joke.)

In any case, we see the stereotypes.  Heaven is all clouds and wings and smiles; hell is endless suffering, usually in a lake of burning fire.

If you believe what Swedenborg says, heaven will be a lot like earth, except without corruption, greed, stress, or lack, and with a lot of amazing beauty and magic that we cannot imagine now.  Our days will be filled with learning and doing useful activities that we love with people that we love. 

There will be art, music, plays, and time to travel for rest and recreation, because we will still have rhythms of work and play there.  But the point will be providing service to all others from our gifts and talents, doing what we are best at and truly enjoy.  We will LOVE it, and love each other, and truly understand that the God of love created us exactly to participate in this wide reality of joyful, enriching human service and interrelationship.  And our capacity for joy and wisdom and service will simply grow each day forever.

Hell, Swedenborg tells us, is the eternal suffering that comes from wanting to steal from or harm others, of constantly wanting to have more than others, and of wanting to look down on others and control everyone else.  It is the hell of not being allowed to achieve any of those things, at least not for very long, because they involve harming others.  Those in hell are kept far away from those in heaven, instead being grouped with others just like themselves.  When we are in hell we spend our days scheming how to cheat and steal from the others (who are just like us), plotting how to control them and look down on them and harm them.  Sometimes we are allowed to succeed, and in those moments we feel a certain triumph or joy.  But because it is hell, and we are stuck with people just like us, sooner or later the shoe is on the other foot, and we are the ones being trampled and hurt, robbed and dominated.  And we never seem to realize what a dead-end we are in, which is why it is seen as eternal misery.

Swedenborg says that the joy of heaven and the suffering of hell come from our own patterns of seeing, believing, and behaving, even now, not just down the road.  The harps and wings or lake of fire are metaphoric images chosen by our collective imaginations to illustrate what these spiritual realities feel like.  We know what a heated argument feels like.  We already know what it is to burn with anger and resentment and frustration.  And if you have ever had that feeling of being trapped in a hell from which you thought you would never escape, you know just how eternal hell can feel.  Despair convinces us that our suffering will never end. (Rather like some Maine winters….)  

On the other hand, haven't we all experienced “cloud nine”? Have you ever felt like you were flying through your day with ease, or soaring on the wings of good fortune?  Have you ever felt so happy you just wanted to sing?  All these metaphors exist because they describe how heaven feels.  We aren’t supposed to believe in a literal lake of fire any more than we are to believe we will be up in the physical clouds after we die.  We imagine angels to have “wings” because they can get through and over anything—because they seem so much smarter and “loftier” than we are—not because they actually have wings. They don't need them. 

Anyway, heaven and hell are states of being, and we have been travelling in and out and through them our whole lives, whether we realized it or not. 

2.         We have already begun exploring where, or when is heaven or hell. Since Emanuel Swedenborg teaches (as do many others) that we are spiritual beings in physical bodies, it follows that heaven and hell are spiritual too, not physical places. They aren’t located somewhere in the sky or under the earth; they are states of mind or states of being.  They are inside us and with us all the time, not “out there”.  We carry the potential to “be” in either one in each moment.

Swedenborg said, “Heaven is not ‘up there’ but where the Good of Love is; and the Good of Love lives inside each person, wherever that person might be.” (Heavenly Secrets 8153)  So perhaps when Jesus said, “The kingdom of heaven is within you,” this is what he meant.

On earth we experience both—times that feel hellish and times that feel heavenly—all through life, and these experiences help us to choose who we want to be.  Do we want to stay stuck in old, broken, unconscious patterns of thought and behaviour, or do we want to do the work that moves us into better, kinder, more conscious patterns (heaven)?  We sometimes “choose” heaven and sometimes “choose” hell alternately throughout our lives so that we have enough experience to determine where we really want to stay. 

Sadly, we have probably all experienced or watched someone we love choose the (pretend heaven but) actual hell of addiction.  Some people need to choose that hell again and again to become ready and able to get out of that hell and stay out.  Addictions are a perfect example of how hell can masquerade as heaven. Addictions cause increasing torment for the addict and often try to suck everyone with whom the addict is in relationship into the suffering as well.  It takes an especially strong kind of angel to stay in relationship with an active addict without getting sucked into their hell along with them.  God always provides a way out, but it can be agonizing to watch that someone we love struggle to escape—the sick thinking and the lies can so thoroughly trap the one we love—and to wait for them to choose differently can feel like an eternity of suffering.

In any case, if we believe Swedenborg, no one is ever “sent” anywhere we don’t want to be; (not forever).  You and I may “send” ourselves (or be dragged into by others) some pretty dark places; but ultimately we always have the choice to ask for Divine help and get out of even the darkest hell.  And the minute we choose for heaven, our wish will always be granted, if not immediately, then as soon as is possible while making sure we can handle the transition.  Some extractions can be as complicated and lengthy as the most elaborate extreme mountain rescue—but you can bet that the angels on the job LOVE what they do, and they do it with focus, compassion, and God’s guidance.

3.         And so finally, who is responsible for whether we “end up” in heaven or hell? 

The answer is: We are each individually responsible for where we end up.

Now, while we are each individually responsible for where we end up, we are only partially responsible for many of the times we visit heaven or hell along the way.  Other people can “put us through hell,” the same way others can draw us into greater peace and happiness while we walk this earth.  But ultimately, we choose who and how we want to be.

Into every single one of our relationships and life experiences we bring our own selves, with our own patterns of listening, interpreting, reacting, and responding.  We bring with us a great deal of the heaven or hell we find in these relationships because of our own patterns and habits of response. We are often far more responsible for the problems in which we might find ourselves than we might realize.

Just the same way that there are many dynamics in our culture, our families, and our society that can be unhealthy, you and I can have internal perspectives and habits that are unhealthy that we can’t even see.  All of these things will remain invisible to you and me until we realize them and learn different perspectives.  Just watch a few episodes of Madmen for a great metaphor of this process at work.  The characters in that show innocently and blindly chain smoke, litter, drink while pregnant, suffer profound sexism, and many other things that would shock us today.  We see those things differently now because of our growing and changing awareness of how they have been harmful.  In this same way you and I can begin to see in finer detail the way some of the personal dynamics and patterns of behaviour that we learned as “normal” in our childhood are actually contributing to the problems in our relationships today. And then we can begin to change them. 

If only “choosing to be in heaven right now” was as easy as it sounds.  More often it is about as easy as, well, if I were to choose to go complete a 5k run this afternoon, at my current level of training and conditioning.

I could “choose” it all I wanted, but I would be dreaming.  I’m not remotely prepared for such an ambitious goal.  If I even tried, I can guarantee it would not put me in heaven, (and would possibly be a fast track to a personal hell).  I simply couldn’t do it.  ("Hashtag: Epic Fail,” as they say these days.)

No, I would need to start with a commitment now, and then train and prepare for several months to be able to make that “choice” a reality many months from now.  “Choosing” would mean more than simply flipping a mental switch. It would include “practice” and training to develop a whole new set of strengths and abilities.  It would take time.

The spiritual journey is a lot like that.  It takes commitment and focus too.  It takes discipline and intention. The practice isn’t always comfortable.  But it is often deeply satisfying, and it is tremendously worthwhile especially if you value a greater ease in managing your own inner happiness, and especially if you value enhanced well-being in all your relationships.  If you value those things enough, you will persist in the spiritual disciplines necessary to run that spiritual race, and you will keep returning to the practice because of the ongoing rewards, no matter how many times you temporarily step off the path.  

Day by day, starting right now, you and I can choose to leave behind our not-so-heavenly reactions and feelings. Taking baby steps and sometimes falling down, we can repeatedly and persistently invite heaven to live within us. It already dwells within the Goodness of Love within us from God.  May we be open to tapping into that and letting it work in and through us with increasing strength right now, each day.

Jesus Himself took this very human journey on Himself in solidarity with us and to give us strength.  He allowed Himself to be betrayed and “put through hell” indeed when He let Himself be crucified.  What better example could He have given us, to show us that we can survive the hells we travel through on earth and survive even death itself, because the point is something better and more lasting and far more meaningful beyond? 

My question for you is, what do you think?  What do you feel? What system of looking it these questions sits the most comfortably in your body?  I invite you to use your rationality, your experience, your intelligence, and your intuition as you find your way through these very big questions for yourself.  And I especially ask you to consider, what belief system makes you a kinder wiser, more compassionate, open, and giving person? Because that is the path to heaven.

Amen

The Readings

Psalm 139: 1-12

You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.

You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,”

even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

Luke 17: 20-21

Now when He was asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom of God would come, He answered them and said, “The kingdom of God does not come with observation; nor will they say, ‘See here!’ or ‘See there!’ For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you.”

Secrets of Heaven 8153

Heaven is not “up there” but where the Good of Love is, and the Good of Love is found inside each person, wherever that person might be.

Small Joys in a Big World - a sermon for third advent

Small Joys in a Big World

Sermon for the Advent of Joy

Rev. Alison Longstaff, Dec 14, 2014

Bath Church of the New Jerusalem

Luke 2: 1-7; John 15:9-17; Heavenly Secrets 543

These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.  (John 15: 11-12)

The small, snuffling sounds of a newborn.  The solid weight of that new bundle in your arms.  All the promise inherent in that new life.  Enter the presence of a newborn and it is hard NOT to feel delight and joy.

Swedenborg says that the highest angels are with a newborn from conception.  I believe we can feel those angels when we are around a newborn. We all get a little softer.  We can’t help but smile.  Maybe we can even feel a subtle peace, an ineffable sweetness, and a gentle JOY.

If we are to believe Swedenborg, that joy is present because the angles with that baby live in constant joy.  Their sense of God’s love and protection, their absolute trust in God’s providence, and their deep wisdom from years of experience have made them able to sustain that deep, deep, peace and joy on a constant basis. 

God plans for each of us to live in that bliss—a bliss that we ALL knew once when we were newborns. We too were surrounded and cared for by the highest angels, and that experience is imprinted on our souls.  It is a gift from God.  And it contains part of the road map back to that place of deep peace and joy.
 

Because you see, that innocent joy doesn't last.  It can’t.  According to Swedenborg, as we become more and more self-aware, these highest angels must pull away from us and be replaced by lower angels and then still lower angels to respect our spiritual freedom. This protects us from being overwhelmed by the intensity of their love.  And so, as you and I grow up, our surrounding spirits are gradually exchanged from more exalted ones to less exalted ones until we are surrounded by spiritual beings much closer to our own level of spiritual development—closer to what we can tolerate.

These lower guardian beings are still angels.  They still far surpass our capacity for love and wisdom and joy, but not so much so that we are overwhelmed.  They are advanced beyond us just enough to make good spiritual mentors; and their energy invites us to advance into our own love and wisdom—towards something closer to what they have—for the sake of our own happiness.  

The paragraph I quoted before the sermon from Swedenborg’s long work “Heavenly Secrets” essentially says that even the most intense joy you and I might experience today can’t even come close to touching the dullest joy of these lowest angels.  In other words, God gives us as much joy as we can handle, but not so much that it hurts.  We are on a continual path of spiritual growth, and as we grow spiritually more adept, God grants us deeper and deeper joy.  As we grow stronger, wiser, more loving, and closer to God, we become increasingly able to sustain this heavenly joy which is our birthright.  It is God’s plan for us.  But we must undergo a lot of preparation before we can handle it in its full expression.

So on this Advent Sunday of Joy, what is it that we must do to be worthy of this joy?  How do we grow stronger, wiser, more loving, and closer to God?  How do we prepare ourselves for the birth of this incredible joy into our lives?

Our scripture reading contains the answer.  We are to keep God’s commandments, particularly the command to love one another as God has loved us.

If only it were as easy as it sounds.

“Loving one another” is both very simple and very complex.  On paper it sounds easy.  But once we try it in real-life settings—once we get down to matters of division of labor and money, issues of trust and expectation, commitment and entitlement, loyalty and betrayal, it all gets rather muddy.  We realize we must learn the difference between “tough love”—which doesn't look like love but is, and codependency—which looks like love but isn't.  We must learn how to give without resentment, and how not to give without guilt, and when each is appropriate.  We need to develop great compassion and great clarity of mind—things which only come through time and experience and lots of personal work.

One terrific aid to help us along this learning curve is the Ten Commandments.  In them, God gave us a simplified break-down of how to love God and our neighbor well. (P.S. These rules and guidelines can be found in many other world spiritualities too, with slightly different wording.  This fits with the Swedenborgian teaching that God put into each world religion all that we need to find our way back to true loving-kindness and wisdom—aka “God”). 

These basic human laws of respectful co-existence provide the path back to joy, back to that heaven we experienced as newborns, and back to God.  They help mend our relationship with ourselves, with God, and with each other.  So how come we are not all living in peace and joy and love right now? 

It would be convenient and easy to say that life is not the blissful dream it should be because “bad people out there” in the world are ruining things for all of the rest of us and we are all victims of their dishonesty and greed and fear. There is some truth in that, but thinking that way is also “playing the victim card” which tends to trap us in hopelessness and helplessness.  A stronger and more empowering truth is that you and I have many ways we are complicit in the same dishonesties if on a much smaller scale. Therefore you and I working on and healing the ways we are contributing to the problem right now DOES make a difference.  

We only have the power to change ourselves.  In fact the only way we can truly ever change any “them,” “out there,” is to look for how the things we so dislike out there are also in our own skin, and to make them better inside us first.

Indeed, many spiritualities teach that me changing myself and you changing yourself for the better right here, right now, does move the whole world toward something better in a real way.  By acknowledging and correcting the increasingly subtle ways I am lying to myself, and any way I am doing harm to those I deal with, I make things better, even if it doesn't feel like it some days.  Each one of us becoming just a little more honest and kind does make the whole world more honest and kind, period.  Our greatest potency is rarely in fixing “them.”  It is found in what you and I can do in our small ways inside ourselves right here and right now.
   

Swedenborg, in the book True Christianity, says that the potency of the Ten Commandments lies in their deep spiritual application rather than in their letter.  It is the spirit of these laws that the angels pay attention to, not the simple words. 

“Thou shalt not steal” certainly means in the concrete sense “don't shoplift or mug or break into people's homes or cars to take their stuff.”   But more deeply it means “don’t steal” in your mind and heart and attitude.  Stealing in your mind and heart and attitude shows up as entitlement, taking credit for things not ours, and generally feeling more valuable or worthy than someone else. 

The cry “black lives matter” that has arisen strongly in the US over the last several weeks is calling attention to a deeply ingrained cultural attitude that steals human worth from one group or person and hands it to another.  We must stop this stealing as a nation.  In any way any one of us individually deems ourselves better than another, we too are stealing from that other.  An attitude of entitlement breeds contempt for that other and gives us permission to take what we like from them, because they are less than us.  A very real way you and I can work to heal this sickness in our nation is to be on the alert for how you and I individually deem ourselves better than or objectify any other human or group in our personal lives.  Yes, speak out against the injustices you see in the broader world.  But also look for and work on any injustices inside your own spiritual space that may show up.  Because that is the most powerful way you can help.

The saying that “if you break one commandment you break them all” (James 2:10) has a lot of truth to it.  My sick attitudes invite me into hurtful behaviors that I then justify. And because some part of me knows that I am not in integrity, I will feel a niggling unease.  Unwilling to hear or see the truth, I will lie to myself.  Do you see the pattern? Entitlement leads to stealing behaviors, which then leads to lying and covering-up.  In fact, I will develop an entire inner “public-relations team” to protect me from seeing my own dishonesty and lack of integrity.  One bad choice can start a whole spiral of bad choices, calling me into greater and greater self-deception, entitlement and denial.  It is easy to see this when it is happening in others.  It is harder to recognize it in ourselves.

But before we get too discouraged, let me remind us all that to the extent that we keep even one commandment, we are keeping them all.  The spiral goes in the other direction too.  It depends on where our focus is.  Are we generally lying and hiding, or disclosing and coming clean?

If we are focusing on being more honest, we will be open to seeing more and more the ways we have been lying to ourselves.  This will invite more personal integrity, which will open us to more compassion, more humility, and more honesty.  If we are working on not stealing, physically or emotionally or psychologically, we will grow in respect for ourselves and others.  We will see how we have been stealing from ourselves and our loved ones as well as from others—stealing integrity, stealing security, stealing trustworthiness.  And as we stop stealing, and we stop lying to cover up our stealing, we start to grow in trustworthiness, security, and integrity.  Intentional steps toward right relationship with ourselves and others and God starts a progressive cycle of right relationship in every corner of our being.

If we intentionally set our minds to chipping away at our blindnesses, God assures us that we will reach a state like that of the angels—so pure of heart and mind that we no longer lie, we no longer steal, we no longer need to invalidate (kill) any other to ensure our own sense of well-being.   And that is when our joy will be more full than we can possibly imagine.

That is why I like to see the Ten Commandments as the Ten Promises.  Because until we are completely angelic, we are pretty much breaking the Ten Commandments in small ways all the time.  We can’t help it and we can’t see it until we are ready.  We don’t even know we are doing it.  But fear not; we are not held accountable for the things we cannot yet see.  Genuine openness to seeing what we are ready to see and changing it as we are able is all God asks.

God wants our joy.  God wants it with every fiber of “his” being.  But God will never force on us anything we don’t want or aren't ready for.  And so the invitation stands open; the path is always waiting; and joy awaits us like gold at the end of the rainbow.

Meanwhile, these holidays are likely to be a mix.  There will be moments of exhaustion, discouragement, disappointment, and despair.  There will also likely be moments of delight and magic, heart-warming interactions and joyful connections.  All the while I invite you to trust in the promise—not that this season will be perfect—but that each holiday is moving us closer to heavenly joy so long as we are doing our inner work.  Good will to all human-kind is both the destination and the journey; and so long as we are taking the steps we can today, we have in some sense already arrived. 

Joy and delight. These are our birthright and our promise. May you be open to them in the coming days in big and small ways.  Indeed, may you be overcome with such joy, that you touch the joy of the angels at the Lord’s birth, if just for a moment.

Amen.

The Readings

Luke 2: 1-7   

In those days a decree went out from Emperor Augustus that all the world should be registered. This was the first registration and was taken while Quirinius was governor of Syria.  All went to their own towns to be registered. Joseph also went from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to the city of David called Bethlehem, because he was descended from the house and family of David.  He went to be registered with Mary, to whom he was engaged and who was expecting a child.  While they were there, the time came for her to deliver her child.  And she gave birth to her firstborn son and wrapped him in bands of cloth, and laid him in a manger, because there was no place for them in the inn.

John 15:9-17

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love.

“These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full. This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends. You are My friends if you do whatever I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you. You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. These things I command you, that you love one another.

Heavenly Secrets 543

543. Certain spirits wished to know what heavenly joy was. Therefore they were allowed to perceive their own inmost joy, even to a point where they could not bear it. But even this was not angelic joy. It barely resembled the slightest of angelic joys. These spirits were allowed to realize this by sharing their joy. Their own joy was so meagre that it seemed rather tepid, yet they called it utterly heavenly since it was the deepest joy they could manage. From this it is clear that when we are allowed to experience our deepest joy this is for us heavenly joy. Nor can we tolerate anything deeper, as it becomes painful.

The Funny Things We Do In Relationship

“Funny Things We Do In Relationship”

Rev. Alison Longstaff, Nov 2, 2014

Bath Church of the New Jerusalem

Genesis 3: 6-13; Mark 10: 35-44; HS 189

Today’s Scripture readings showed Adam and Eve feeling ashamed of their “nakedness.” Nakedness symbolizes having our whole selves seen, flaws and all.  Did you notice both Adam and Eve trying to pass the blame onto someone else?  We also saw some of the disciples squabbling over who might get preferment in heaven, thinking they deserved it more than the others.  They were basically trying to “call shotgun,” as if asking first is how someone gets a good placement in heaven.

Our reading from Swedenborg told us that we are all on the path to heaven, and that God, (or Goodness, or True Wisdom) leads us constantly into greater and greater integrity step by step, if we are willing and open to learn.  But we need to have humility and self-awareness—which is the ability to see ourselves honestly, with all our strengths and weaknesses—so that we can learn about and change any ways our behaviors, intentions, and motives don’t match our spiritual values or “conscience.”

If we hide in the illusion that we are already perfect and it is everyone else that needs to change, we have a skewed view of ourselves.  It is not honest nor accurate, nor humble.  If we spend energy trying to hide our flaws, we are taking away from our ability to be honest and make the changes we desire.

 

Self-awareness need not produce shame, even when we see our errors.  Learning not to feel shame can be work, but doing that work is very worth the emotional freedom it brings.  Freedom from shame does not mean we have no regrets or sorrow or embarrassment when we realize we have been out of balance in our behavior or assumptions.  Freedom from toxic shame just means we waste no energy on self-abuse when we realize an error. Freedom from toxic shame means all our energy can go into correcting or amending our assumptions once we see an error, and into any apologies or reparations where needed.  We can’t correct something we can’t see, and we can’t see ourselves accurately if we are utterly defended against seeing any errors, and/or we don’t develop a habit of self-reflection with compassion.

So, having said that, we are going to move straight into a role play.  In this role play, we will have a family planning a vacation.  But each family member will be out of balance in one way or another.  Let’s see what happens when each person is unaware of their own errors and out of balance in their thoughts and assumptions.  (Volunteers please come forward.)

The Role Play is based on Virginia Satir’s theory of "coping stances." These are habits or patterns that we fall into when we are trying to cope with stress or emotional discomfort.  We typically cannot see how our own words and behaviors can be part of the problem in unhappy relationships, especially when we have retreated into one of these four imbalances.

Remember: We all do each one to some degree or another.  Watch for yourself and your own habits.  If you find yourself thinking, “Oh, that is: (some other person besides yourself)” Stop.  Your job is you, not someone else.  Watch for your patterns.  Overlook others.’

The Blamer (Body position is angry pointing)

A blamer finds fault in others.  The blamer generally assumes he/she is right and often has contempt for everyone else's ideas and efforts.  They may say things like "You always…" "you never…" and "you should…."  The blamer wants control and will seek it actively or covertly.  They may give lip-service to others' needs, but don’t actually treat them with equality or respect.  (Blamers are often partnered with placaters.) In reality, a blamer often does not feel good about himself/herself. This stance makes him/her feel better because it makes him/her feel powerful or effective.

The Placater (Body position is down on one knee, hands raised in supplication)

The placater is only happy when everyone else is happy.  They are super "nice," sacrificing their well-being again and again just to keep the peace.  They place the needs of everyone else over their own, often paying no attention to their own needs.  If asked, they think they have no needs because they are so disconnected from listening to themselves. (Often partnered with a blamer). A placator is compelled to please others.  He/she apologizes for things that are not his/her fault and has a hard time (often can’t) stand up for him/herself.  The martyr, the “yes man,” this person’s well-being is entirely centered in others.  There is no valuing or attention paid to their own needs.  They are often exhausted, overworked, inwardly empty, and full of unacknowledged resentment.

The Super-Rational (aka Computer, Talking Head, etc) (Arms folded, nose slightly in air)

This one takes comfort in having everything figured out. They have "the answers" or the explanation, and that is their refuge.  They stay entirely in their intellect, devoid of feeling.  Having the situation figured out is the only thing that matters.  They love analysis, especially when it is for supporting their sense of security in their intelligence. (This can slide into blaming to the extent that they feel superior to everyone else.)  They may give a clear-cut analysis of a situation, but there will be no feeling, no empathy, no sense of connection, no impulse to help out.  Human need is nowhere on the radar. This stance is unfortunately often thought of as the ideal goal for many people. The super-rational one is very correct, very reasonable, very logical. But he/she does not show any vulnerability though he/she often feels it. Don’t mistake this one for a person who is centered, grounded, and calm. You know you are dealing with a computer because you will not feel understood.  (Often partnered with Irrelevant)

The Irrelevant (aka Clown, Distracter, etc) (Wiggling, random, or zoned out.)

This is the ADD kid, the family clown, the disconnected teenager, the one who can't listen or pay attention.  This one is disconnected.  They are unable to care about their own dreams, others' interests, or what they may need to be doing in their own lives on a practical level.  They are restless or zoned out, change the subject, crack jokes, call attention to things completely off-topic, are unable to pay attention, etc.  A distractor talks about unrelated subjects while under stress.  He/She does not talk to the point and is very unfocused. “Who cares?” is the attitude. He/she hopes that by not dealing with the problem it will go away.  There is often a deep underlying feeling of loneliness and purposelessness. It may seem that nothing bothers this one, but it is actually a lonely and meaningless place to be. (Often partnered with Super-Reasonable)

There is another pose, and that one is the healthy, balanced pose we want to aim toward.

Congruent (aka Leveler, Balanced, Flowing) (Direct gaze, calm, arms relaxed.)

This one keeps their own needs, others' needs and the situation's needs in balance. They are rational and non-reactive, but emotionally connected.  They often radiate presence, warmth, and compassion. A leveler apologizes when she makes a mistake. If an error has been committed, he will evaluate fairly without blaming. Sometimes she will be talking intellectually but her feeling is still intact. When there is a problem, he will deal appropriately rather than shove it under the rug.  A leveler conducts life with integrity, commitment, and creativity.

Even ONE person holding strong in congruence or balance can transform an interaction.  It won't be perfect, but invariably calms down the tensions and invites greater congruence in others. 

​

We watched the family try to plan their Spring Break vacation with a blaming dad, a placating mom, an irrelevant daughter, and a super-rational son.  They couldn't get anywhere!  After we watched them struggle a while, we stopped the action and asked the irrelevant one to become the "congruent" or leveling one while the other three held their positions somewhat.  They were able to get more done, though it was still pretty bumpy.  We then asked the role players about their thoughts and observations.

Most felt discomfort at having to hold their imbalance so long.  They also recognized themselves or others' dynamics from some past relationships.  It was uncomfortable to watch, but also funny and sympathetic.  We thanked and dismissed the actors.

Then I asked the room, "What did you observe and learn about yourself while watching the role-plays?"  :Was it uncomfortable?"  I reminded us all that we do all of these sometimes, and that it was not about blame or shame, but about self-awareness.

I summed up the morning's presentation with these words: 

As always, know that moving toward “congruence” is the goal.  No one arrives and stays there. No one is perfect. We all lapse—especially under stress.  But the more we can develop a habit of congruence, the easier all our relationships and communications can become.  Not a cure-all, but definitely will bring marked improvements over time.

Even one person holding balance or congruence shifts any relationship or group toward better health, and invites better communication and better relationship.

Welcome to a great tool for moving toward “heaven” aka toward healthier, happier relationships.

1. Try to stay clear of blaming. 

2. Try to stay in touch with your own needs and champion them without trumping others’ needs.

3.  When you fall into “figuring things out” without compassion or heart connection, realize it is a defense mechanism, and look for your heart and compassion. 

4.  When you feel like things are hopeless, and you can’t make a difference, or the world has gone crazy, or there is no point in trying, or you simply can’t take anything seriously, find your soul ASAP.  Learn what spiritual disciplines or mentors or messages restore you to yourself and to your joy and meaning, and PURSUE them until you feel connected and purposeful again.

You do not have to be a victim of other people’s patterns or bad habits.  You CAN make a difference in all your relationships.  You can make a difference in the world. There are tools.  There is wisdom.  There is a way that invites healing for everyone.

Amen.  

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The Readings

Genesis: 3:6-13

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.

Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, “Where are you?”

So he said, “I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”  And He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?”  Then the man said, “The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.”  And the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?”  The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

Mark 10:35-44

35 James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came forward to him and said to him, “Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.” 36 And he said to them, “What is it you want me to do for you?” 37 And they said to him, “Grant us to sit, one at your right hand and one at your left, in your glory.” 38 But Jesus said to them, “You do not know what you are asking. Are you able to drink the cup that I drink, or be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized with?” 39 They replied, “We are able.” Then Jesus said to them, “The cup that I drink you will drink; and with the baptism with which I am baptized, you will be baptized; 40 but to sit at my right hand or at my left is not mine to grant, but it is for those for whom it has been prepared.”

41 When the ten heard this, they began to be angry with James and John. 42 So Jesus called them and said to them, “You know that among the Gentiles those whom they recognize as their rulers lord it over them, and their great ones are tyrants over them.43 But it is not so among you; but whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wishes to be first among you must be servant of all. 

Heavenly Secrets #189. Afterwards, I saw pathways sloping gently upward, symbolizing the way that each person is lead gradually toward heaven. It is by developing some set of principles or a conscience about what is true and good, and by learning self-awareness, that each person is led by degrees toward heaven. No one can be drawn toward heaven without having a set of values from some system of spiritual truth nor without cultivating humble self-awareness.