Spiritual Exoskeletons and Endoskeletons - Which One Describes You?

This is part of my "grand unified theory" (ala Malcolm Gladwell) about the development of human spirituality. It is based on the work of Jonathan Heidt, James Fowler, Emanuel Swedenborg, Jean Piaget, and many other thinkers in the world of spirituality. (Yes. I believe that our morality is one face of our spiritual development.) This includes Object Relations theory as well.

James Fowler, author of The Stages of Faith (summarized here, though I believe people stay in the earlier stages of faith far longer than this optimistic projection) has built a model of spiritual development that echoes Jean Piaget's stages of psychological development. A developmental model of spirituality makes immediate sense to me, as we already speak of spiritual "growth." We develop physically, emotionally, psychologically, morally, and in all other ways. Spirituality is developmental too; how could it not be?

The main focus of my interest today is the shift between stage three (Synthetic-Conventional) (exoskeleton) and stage four (Individuative-Reflective) (endoskeleton) according to James Fowler. I know for myself that this shift reached a crisis point in my early forties. It dovetailed with a probable mid-life crisis. My trust in and reliance on my childhood faith had taken too many blows. I was being existentially ejected from (birthed from?) identification with that religious denomination. The process took years and was deeply painful. Another soul who was undergoing a similar birthing likened it to the process of becoming a butterfly after one has been a caterpillar.

"This is where things get crazy and kind of disgusting. The caterpillar does not simply rearrange itself into a butterfly or moth. It takes much more than that. The caterpillar starts to digest itself! That’s right, it releases enzymes that start to liquify almost the entire caterpillar. If you were to cut open a cocoon during this stage, a liquid caterpillar smoothie would ooze out." Mike Szydlowski, The Columbia Tribune, Oct. 2021

Goo

We found this analogy apt. It was NOT comfortable. Emanual Swedenborg would say that this shift is from "historical faith" to "living faith."

"There must be, for Stage 4, a relocation of authority to within the self. While others and their judgments will remain important to the Individuative-Reflective person, their expectations, advice and counsel will be submitted to an internal panel of experts who reserve the right to choose and who are prepared to take responsibility for their choices."  James Fowler, Stages of Faith

A Barrier Between Stages Three and Four

The shift from three to four can be very painful, especially if one has been in a denomination that requires its members to stay in stage three. Stage three relies on an outside authority. It relies on obedience and compliance within its membership. This outside authority serves as a spiritual exoskeleton to the membership. All of us require this stage as part of our development. It enables us to grow our spiritual core (endoskeleton), the place from which we can discern, sift, and organize our own authentic spirituality.

All denominations that need stage three adherents see this shift as a threat. Members who question the legitimacy of the teachings and rules threaten the leaders' authority. Eventually, these members vote themselves out of involvement as they realize their inability to change the denomination. Depending on the level of cult dynamics in the denomination, this ejection from the group can be hugely isolating, disillusioning, and painful. One can lose a sense of belonging in an otherwise cohesive and interconnected "family." The leaders generally invalidate the pain of such members and see their departure as "trimming dead wood." (I have heard this spoken explicitly.)

Exoskeleton

In truth, those who manage to launch from such a denomination are the living wood, and can eventually find root within a group that welcomes stage four spirituality. (I have found a home in a Unitarian Universalist congregation.) But many stay alone and isolated, unwilling to trust again or otherwise unable to find a new spiritual home. They are suffering from spiritual trauma and abandonment.

Endoskeleton

This shift from an authority-based faith to a living, inwardly reflective faith is part of our healthy spiritual growth. Our spirits call us to grow to this level and beyond. Unfortunately, many religious denominations see this shift as heresy, disobedience, rebellion, and "falling" from grace. These groups tend to punish, shun, vilify, and cast out such members. No wonder it can be hard to leave!

As those of us who have left such groups tend to remain isolated, we can be unaware of the huge and growing body of people on a similar path. If only we had a way to form our own, mutually supportive spiritual communities. Yet we tend to be gun-shy of belonging again.

I believe that authentic, unhampered spiritual growth requires that we make this shift. We are designed to think for ourselves based on years of spiritual work and learning from others.  We are built to continue growing spiritually, constantly deepening and adding greater nuance to our understanding. But we also need a spiritual community. Such supportive and non-dictatorial communities exist out there. They are just hard to find. They tend to mind their own business.

Do you rely heavily on outside authorities and some declared text as literally the Word of God? Then you are probably in an exoskeleton stage of spirituality. There is nothing wrong with this stage, but we are meant to evolve beyond it.

Do you think for yourself, incorporating years of experience, thought, and observation into how you understand the human condition and our responsibilities to each other? Then you are probably in an endoskeleton stage of spirituality.

Do you do some of both? Do you feel wobbly and insecure about what to think and whom to trust? Then you are probably in transition.

All of these stages are normal. This model is not to be used to judge others but to assess oneself and understand others.

Cain and Abel and the Stages of Spirituality

So, I’m a student of the Psychology of Religion.

Scholars have done studies on the developmental stages of faith—meaning there ARE stages of faith from less mature to more mature. Early stages rely on an external authority. They are very rules-based and about doing things “right” according to the authority and the rules. There is usually an innocence or naïveté because folks don’t know better, they can’t be more progressive yet, and they absolutely want to be “saved".

The hardest shift is between level 3 and level 4 spirituality (according to James Fowler) when a person shifts from an external authority to an internal authority, and from a head-based religion to a heart-based religion. (Richard Rohr simplifies it as early life—stages 1, 2, 3—and later life—stages 4 and up.) The people around them who are still in a rules- and authority-based religion are particularly threatened by their shift and do not understand it. I liken it to learning to swim. People who have not learned to swim cling to the side of the pool and call out in fear at their loved ones who are starting to let go and swim in the water.

(Does this information help in understanding the ways people do religion that can be so different?)

If you are raised by people who are in stage 4 or higher level of spiritual development, you still have to go through your own stages, but everything about the way they live encourages you to move into a thoughtful, heart-based approach to life. But if you are raised by people who are “clinging to the side of the pool” in an authoritative “you will only be safe if you stick with us” religion, it is much much harder to take the next developmental step into heart-wisdom, because most of the people around you are screaming that you are going to “die”. They don't want you to notice all the people that you’re finding who are living from their hearts and yet are not "dead".

This theory has helped me a lot in understanding why people do religion the way they do. Levels five and higher in spiritual development don’t even look like “religion”, because they are so respectful of the individual spiritual journey. They tend to be empowering, not controlling.

How is this connected to Cain and Abel? (Genesis 4)

My childhood tradition's teachings say that Cain represents “the need to be right” and Abel represents “being loving from deep wisdom.” They are brothers because they are ways of doing religion. Cain is born first (early spirituality) and Abel second (later life spirituality). Cain resents and does not understand why God favors Abel (the more mature and genuine spirituality). Cain is threatened by Abel and wants God's favor too, not understanding the shifts he still has to make in his motivations and perspective. And threatened, Cain “kills” Abel thinking that that is the way to win God's attention and favor (someone clearly isn't reading the manual). Cain-energy in life will always kill Abel-energy. Judgy, controlling, need-to-be-perfect-and-right ways of doing religion (or politics) will always attack and criticize and invalidate loving, inclusive, service-focused ways of doing religion (and politics). It’s just the way people are. There's a foundational shift that needs to happen from "I've got mine, screw you" to "We are all in this together; if you are suffering, we are all suffering".

We all have a tendency to be drawn into the need to be right and "win" arguments. We value a sense of cognitive security and don't like perspectives that threaten our foundational narrative of how life (God, "salvation") works. Arguing with someone about how they are wrong is rarely effective because they are so emotionally invested in "staying alive" (maintaining the reality they have known and trusted until this point).

If you don't know how to swim, moving into deep water means death.

Questioning religious dogma is moving into deep water. It is essential that we learn to swim so as to be much freer and to realize how life-giving swimming can be. But everything in Cain-level development screams "death!" unless you are surrounded by loving swimmers encouraging you to try swimming.

The same way you can't teach a child to read until they have reached reading readiness, you can't force a lower level spiritual seeker to be ready to think for themselves until they are ready AND feel safe enough to try. Some birds are pushed from the nest, some fly with sufficient encouragement, but some have parents telling them that flying equals death.

So just love everybody to bits.

Try not to judge because people are (possibly stuck) where they are for good reason.

Learn to draw firm boundaries with those who want to push their beliefs on you (spiritual violation) even as you stop trying to push your beliefs onto others (still a spiritual violation, no matter how "right" you are).

This is my distillation of theology and psychology. It is not to be used as a club to force others to agree. Just a balm and guide for those who need a helpful perspective.

For more scholarship on the stages of faith you might start here:

https://www.institute4learning.com/2020/06/12/the-stages-of-faith-according-to-james-w-fowler/

For counseling and empowerment on your spiritual journey, you may contact me here:

https://pastoralison.com/

I do talk therapy as well as weddings.

“Why have you deceived me?” - When God Lets Us Down - a sermon

“Why have you deceived me?” - When God Lets Us Down

Rev. Alison Longstaff, Aug 10, 2014

Fryeburg Church of the New Jerusalem

Genesis 29:14-30, and Luke 11: 5-13; DP 221

‘So Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn't I? Why have you deceived me?"’

Who can hear the story of Jacob and Rachel and not feel indignant on Jacob’s behalf?  Jacob worked seven years for Rachel, the beautiful woman whom he loved, and yet the morning after the wedding, he discovers that it is Rachel’s older, less attractive sister Leah in his marriage bed and not Rachel.

(Okay, let’s not get into how Rachel felt about this arrangement, or the little cultural detail of women being property that can be promised, earned, swapped, and/or given away. Or how Jacob didn't even notice the little switcheroo until the next morning—how drunk was he?  Let alone how Leah felt about the whole thing!  Stinks to be Leah!  BUT, setting aside all that, and identifying with Jacob as we are intended to do…)  

Who can hear this and not feel indignant on Jacob’s behalf?

Jacob did everything he was supposed to do, and yet didn't get the reward promised to him. It was a bait and switch.  Yes, he got Rachel in the end, but this whole story just leaves a bad taste in the mouth.  Why is it in the Bible?  What lesson are we supposed to learn from this story?

Are we to learn that we can do everything right and still not have our prayers answered? Are we to believe that God is fickle and arbitrary and we are simply at the Divine whim and mercy?—that God can pull a bait and switch on us, and that is just the way God is? 

No.  That is not what we are to learn.  This story is about persistence in the spiritual journey. This story is teaching us that sometimes we shoot for a goal and fall short, and that we are to keep trying until we hit the mark.  This story is about God’s mercy and loving kindness in not granting us something we desire until we, not God, are absolutely ready for it.

Take a look at this law of Divine Providence:

“The means by which a person is led by the Lord are what are called the laws of the Divine Providence; and among these is this, that a person is admitted interiorly into the truths of wisdom and into the goods of love only so far as he or she can be kept in them right on to the end of life.”  (DP §221)

Note: it says a person is granted these good things “only so far as he or she can be kept in them right on to the end of life.”  That means that God won’t allow us to achieve any spiritual milestone or earn any spiritual truth or goodness until we can hold on to it without backsliding—until we are spiritually mature enough to maintain it from that moment on to eternity.    That is a key thing to remember when studying our text for today.  In the spiritual sense of the Bible, this story is about how God does grant us our dream come true, in its right time, and what that process looks like.

The Bible is always about the spiritual journey—yours, mine, and that of the whole human race.  So though the stories are cloaked in physical/natural images and sometimes include some unpleasant content, the inner story is always about spiritual and eternal values and point to our greatest happiness.

The story of Jacob, Leah, and Rachel, highlights the value of our own persistence, and the necessity of absolute trust in the Lord’s leading.  We don’t know when we are spiritually ready for something, no matter how we may feel personally, and it is a kindness, not an insult that God allows us to achieve new spiritual states only when we are completely ready.

God’s perspective always includes details that we cannot see.  God ALWAYS says yes to every prayer, if it is regarding our own or anyone else’s spiritual well-being.  We often cannot see how God has said yes to our prayer until much later.  And in the mean time, it often looks like God has said “no” and even sometimes puts massive setbacks in our path as well. 

Things can and do go wrong from our perspective, so much so sometimes that we find ourselves looking at God, as Jacob looked at Laban, and saying, ‘“What is this you have done to me?”’

So let’s look at the Jacob story a little more closely.

Swedenborg takes the Jacob and Laban story sentence by sentence, and sometimes word by word explaining the internal meaning in his book Arcana Caelestia (or Secrets of Heaven). Just this one story goes on for pages and PAGES!  Today I will give us all a very condensed summary, in as plain speech as I am able.  Swedenborg’s abstract way of talking can be pretty heady, but I’ll do my best.  So…..

“Laban” is the part of us that parents our various levels of spiritual love.

'And Leah's eyes were weak' means that our first capacity to see and respond to the Lord’s truth is relatively short-sighted.  It is not a very beautiful form of spirituality, but it is a necessary step in our journey and cannot be bypassed. 

'And Rachel was beautiful in form and beautiful in appearance' is saying that the more developed spirituality (in which we have a deep love for the Lord and therefore a much deeper understanding of life and truth) is a much more desirable spirituality. Rachel is where we all want to end up.  She is beautiful for good reason.

However, our first understanding of truth and what living a truly good life means is fairly shallow.  It tends to be simplistic and more about rules.  That’s Leah.  Leah comes first because that is what we do first as spiritual beings—we can’t help it.  Beginner violinists sound like beginner violinists and every one of us starts out spiritual life relatively short-sighted and spiritually dense.  However, every aspect of what we learn in our “Leah” state of spirituality provides an essential foundation upon which God can build in us the more beautiful and mature “Rachel” spirituality.  It is Rachel that we long for, and Rachel that God intends us to have.

There are so many great gems of wisdom in this story. I am skipping over so much so that we can get out of here before 10:00, but I want you to know how much there is I’m not even telling you!  For example, Swedenborg has a whole section on the difference between Leah and Rachel as they manifest in our lives, basically illustrating the difference between a “spiritual life” as guided by poor judgment vs. one guided by a much deeper wisdom and understanding.

Then there is a very beautiful section about the love Jacob has for Rachel.  This is the strong desire God implants in each of us to seek an ever more wise understanding of God because of the tremendous comfort and beauty this wisdom brings to our lives. 

Then we come to the discussion of finding Leah in the marriage bed instead of Rachel.  Here Swedenborg tells us that to the extent that we continue to be attached to and care about materialistic and earth-bound values, to that extent the Lord will not allow us to attach to deeper, spiritual values, even though we want to.  This is not a judgment on us but a protection.  We don’t allow small children to play with the fine art and breakables, nor have access to the sharp knives, etc. because little children are not mature enough to use them properly.  They could do great harm out of ignorance and clumsiness.  It is the same with us and the great spiritual tools and treasures that God so desperately wishes us to have.  God is wise enough to keep us and them safely apart until we are ready.

And so periodically we, too, wake up to ourselves and realize that we are nowhere near where we wish to be spiritually.  This is a deeply disappointing discovery and is represented by Jacob’s indignation.

So we come to the key lines that inspired me to dig into this subject matter: 'And he said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? And why have you cheated me?”'

This whole story seemed so unfair that I had to know what was going on in the internal sense. It fascinated me to realize that the angels also feel similar feelings when they hear this story, though they understand it on a much deeper level.

We read in Swedenborg:

“There are two parts to the internal sense of the Word—affections and subject-matter. The affections lying within expressions of the Word are not visible to humans but are hidden away deep within. Nor can they be visible since a person during life on the earth is governed by earthly and bodily concerns, which have nothing in common with the affections present in the internal sense of the Word. That sense contains a flow of feelings which belong to spiritual love and to the most heavenly love—feelings which people are scarcely able to imagine because they are so rare on earth. These affections that belong to spiritual love and to the most heavenly love manifest themselves in loving-kindness towards the neighbor and in love to God. These are the tender feelings which, in great variety have been stored away in the internal sense of the Word, residing not only in every sentence but also in every expression, indeed in every detail. And they reveal themselves to angels when the Word is read by humans from a state of simple goodness and innocence.”  Heavenly Secrets 3839

When we read the Word, the angels read it too, but hear it on an entirely different level.  Perhaps that is why we can feel so comforted by it, even when we don’t understand it.  The angels who are with us when we read the Word do understand it and are filled with delight, for the spiritual meaning is always full of hope and promise.  We may not understand it, but simply reading the Word still does a great deal of good. Even reading stories as strange as this one about Jacob and Laban, Leah and Rachel.

So now when we read that Laban said, ‘It is not done that way in our place,’ can you understand the meaning in a whole new way?  This isn’t about an ancient custom of not allowing a younger sister to be married before an older one, nor is it sanctioning polygamy, nor is it sanctioning betrayal and dishonesty.  In the inner meaning it is simply saying, “On the spiritual journey, you must pass through all the preparatory stages of spiritual growth before you achieve the highest and most blessed spiritual states.”

Well that seems fair and sensible.

In the natural story it is neither fair nor sensible, especially to our modern ears.  But the inner meaning is telling an entirely different tale.  It is the tale of God’s very wise and careful preparation of us for heaven.

So Laban commands Jacob, 'Complete this week' which represents God urging us to continue in our diligent pursuit of a truly spiritual and heavenly life.  Yes, we wake up to our failings, and project our failings onto God, while God encourages us to keep trying.

This is where I must mention our quirky New Testament parable.  It is a parable that basically says, “If you are irritating enough, God will answer your prayers.”  A man has come late at night and is bothering his friend for help, knocking and knocking on the door until the homeowner gets up.  Picture the homeowner opening his upstairs window and yelling at the man to go away in not so very gentle language.  But the man just keeps bugging the homeowner until he gets what he needs.  The quote from Luke is this: (11: 8) “yet because of the man's shameless audacity he [the homeowner] will get up and give him as much as he needs.” The word “shameless audacity” in the Greek is “Anaideia” which could also be translated impudence, persistence, or insolence. Essentially the quote says, “Yet because of the man's impudence, persistence, and insolence, the homeowner will get up and give him as much as he needs.”

What a funny parable!  It implies that God is overwhelmingly busy and tired, and if we want to get our needs met, we must make pests of ourselves!  What this text is really about is the necessity of our own persistence in the spiritual quest.  WE are served by our own persistence.  Our diligent labour towards something we desire teaches us on a cellular level how valuable is the goal.  The harder won any prize is, the more cherished it will be, yes?  God knows this and uses this for our benefit.  And so, despite disappointments, we must persist.

'And he gave him Rachel his daughter for his wife' means the joining of the goodness achieved (so far) with the affection for deep, inner truth. We read in Swedenborg:

“The reason these shallow affections (Leah) are the means by which truth is joined to good is that not one single truth of doctrine, nor indeed any item of knowledge, can find a home in anyone except by means of affection or feeling. For affections hold life within themselves, but truths which belong to doctrine and knowledge cannot hold any life within themselves apart from those affections.”  

Haven’t we all experienced this?  We simply cannot learn or retain any knowledge unless there is some motivation or passion driving us to learn.  So God makes sure that these deep inner truths will be joined up with good affections, and that takes time.

Genuine deep affections do arrive in the process of time, but not until a person is ready.

'And he came [in] also to Rachel' means finally we come into a genuine affection for deep inner truth. 'And he loved Rachel also, more than Leah' means we love that deep inner truth much more than the shallow, more external truth. And we are told, this love for genuine, inner truth is “holiness itself.”

What I’d like to leave you with is this: God never lets us down. Life throws a lot of stuff at us that looks pretty rotten, but God has a bigger picture in mind: God makes sure we are fully ready for our own intoxicatingly beautiful “Rachel”-spirituality before “she” is granted. God asks us only to persist, and reminds us that there are no short-cuts, no matter how impatient we may be.

God’s plan is always bigger than we think.  God has plans for a future more beautiful than we dare dream. Our part is to persist in the journey and insist on God’s help.  Life does let us down sometimes.  People and circumstances can seem to be radically unfair sometimes.  So trust in God’s plan, for God will never let you down.  Amen.

Originally preached Aug 1, 2010: Church of the Good Shepherd, Kitchener, Ontario

The Readings

Genesis 29: 14-30 After Jacob had stayed with him for a whole month, ¹⁵ Laban said to him, “Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing? Tell me what your wages should be.”

¹⁶ Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. ¹⁷ Leah had weak^[a] eyes, but Rachel had a lovely figure and was beautiful. ¹⁸ Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.”

¹⁹ Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.” ²⁰ So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.

²¹ Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to make love to her.”

²² So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. ²³ But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and Jacob made love to her. ²⁴ And Laban gave his servant Zilpah to his daughter as her attendant.

²⁵ When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?”

²⁶ Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. ²⁷ Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.”

²⁸ And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. ²⁹ Laban gave his servant Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her attendant. ³⁰ Jacob made love to Rachel also, and his love for Rachel was greater than his love for Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years.

Luke 11: 5-13  ⁵ Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; ⁶ a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’ ⁷ And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ ⁸ I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.

⁹ “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

¹¹ “Which of you fathers, if your son asks for a fish, will give him a snake instead?¹²  Or if he asks for an egg, will give him a scorpion? ¹³ If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”

Divine Providence 221. The means by which a person is led by the Lord are what are called the laws of the Divine Providence; and among these is this, that a person is admitted interiorly into the truths of wisdom and into the goods of love only so far as he or she can be kept in them right on to the end of life.