Healthy Boundaries Series: 2. Health Management

This is a series on maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships.

The guidelines stated in this series may challenge a lot of long-standing habits. It is my experience that these old societal habits are unhealthy and that these new boundary markers point us to healthier ways to navigate our interpersonal dynamics and shared experience. I recommend that readers consider these guidelines and try them on before starting in with arguments. The suggested changes are nuanced and will possibly threaten our collective go-to behaviors for judging and attempting to manipulate other people's choices.

These boundaries outline what is ours to control and what is not ours to control. They keep us in our own business and out of other people's business. Poor boundaries encourage us to spend too much time trying to manage other people's lives and discourage us from the hard work of managing our own. It is a spiritual practice to move increasingly into managing our own business and to get out of everyone else's. The more we do this work, the clearer we will also become in identifying what is our shared business, and how to navigate that as well.  Without this work, we will do poorly in managing shared or public business.

Credit for identifying and articulating these boundaries goes to Mark R Carlson, MS, MDiv, Marriage and Family Therapist in Huntingdon Valley, PA. USA

2. HEALTH MANAGEMENT: Do not judge how someone else manages their body

Think of a time when someone else commented on how you manage your health or diet or experience of your body. "You should try the paleo diet." "Just take Tylenol, it helps me every time." "Yoga can fix any health problem, you just have to commit." "You can't be a lesbian, you had a boyfriend."

While these tidbits often come from a desire to be helpful, they are more often than not irritating and unhelpful, somehow requiring us to explain why we might not agree. They require a sort of defense: reclaiming what is ours, not theirs, to manage.

The wording and the tone make all the difference. If we feel irritated, it is probably because the commentary is trespassing on our business.

We are the sole managers of our physical experience, and we get to be the authorities on what works and what doesn't; on what we are ready to try, and what we are not; on what we experience and feel.

"I have found yoga to be very helpful.  Is that something you might want to try?" is far less likely to trigger irritation than, "You have to try yoga. My teacher is the best. Honestly. Only idiots avoid yoga."

More examples follow. Which ones do you find more irritating and which less?  Can you understand why?

1. "Please come to Tai Chi with me. I KNOW it will help you."
2. "I have been taking melatonin for my insomnia and it is helping. I don't know if it will help you, because our biologies are all different. I just wish it would help you too."
3. "I like the way my doctor explains everything to me and lets me choose. She isn't high-handed. She is taking new patients."
   
4. "My multi-vitamin has me feeling so much better. You have to try it!"
5. "I can't believe you are trying to treat your cancer alternatively. You might as well just burn your money and shoot yourself. It would have the same outcome."
6. "You are looking into alternative treatments for your bipolar? Huh. I feel nervous about that. I haven't seen good outcomes so far with that approach. I wish you all the best."
7. "There are only two genders. You don't get to say you are 'fluid.' You are the gender you were born. Saying you feel differently is selfish."
8. "You are my child, and you are an adult. Your choice to go off your meds makes me nervous. If you have a psychotic break, the responsibility lands on me. I don't know if I'm willing to go through that again. How can we work this out in a way that feels good to both of us?

In number eight, the example shows the speaker expressing concern about how the other person's choice could have a negative impact on the speaker's own life.  This is absolutely something we get to do. When someone else's choices affect the quality of our life, we get to express concern and name why we are concerned. We still don't (necessarily) get to control the other person's choices. We do get to set up protections for ourselves if the other person has a pattern of repeated poor choices whose consequences land on us.

Do not judge how someone else manages their body

Respecting personal boundaries around someone else's experience of and management of their own body means we are respecting the intelligence and autonomy of the other.  In terms of the Golden Rule (treat others the way you want to be treated) I prefer having my intelligence and autonomy respected.  I do not like micromanagement any more than I like a backseat driver. I think it is safe to assume we all would prefer to be treated with respect and dignity.  Please let me know if that is not your experience!

We all deserve to be autonomous.  Unfortunately, we are not all the owners of consistently excellent judgment or mental health. The big question of how we navigate our shared reality with those who make occasional poor choices, those who make repeated poor choices, and those who simply are not capable of living a fully autonomous life without oversight is another discussion for another time.

Until then, please treat others the way you prefer to be treated in relation to your experience and choices around your body. That does not mean that you get to export your experiences and answers onto others. That means that they get to name and have very different experiences from yours without either of you feeling threatened or invalidated.

Respectful questions are welcomed!

Following are the other three entries in the series:
Money
Family of Origin
Thoughts and Feelings

Healthy Boundaries Series: 1. Money management

This is a series on maintaining healthy boundaries within relationships.
The guidelines stated in this series may challenge a lot of long-standing habits. It is my experience that these old societal habits are unhealthy and that these new boundary markers point us to healthier ways to navigate our interpersonal dynamics and shared experience. I recommend that readers consider these guidelines and try them on before starting in with arguments. The suggested changes are nuanced and will possibly threaten our collective go-to behaviors for judging and attempting to manipulate other people's choices.

These boundaries outline what is ours to control and what is not ours to control. They keep us in our own business and out of other people's business. Poor boundaries encourage us to spend too much time trying to manage other people's lives and discourage us from the hard work of managing our own. It is a spiritual practice to move increasingly into managing our own business and to get out of everyone else's. The more we do this work, the clearer we will also become in identifying what is our shared business, and how to navigate that as well.  Without this work, we will do poorly in managing shared or public business.

Credit for identifying and articulating these boundaries goes to Mark R Carlson, MS, MDiv, Marriage and Family Therapist in Huntingdon Valley, PA. USA


1. MONEY MANAGEMENT: Do not judge how someone else spends their money

Several years ago a friend of mine was invited on a cruise. At the time, some of her income came from a grant. When she went on the cruise, the body who awarded her the grant felt obliged to question her use of her money. Were they justified? In my eyes, it seemed beyond their scope of management.

Recently, my husband and I were invited on a cruise. Most of the expenses were paid by a generous relative, but not all.  Should we say yes or no, knowing a "yes" would add unnecessary expenses to the debt which we could avoid by staying home?  As I debated, in the back of my mind were all the judgmental voices waiting to have an opinion should we say yes.

Sufficient money and growing debt have been an issue for us for a few years now as I struggle to make a living wage in New York. Many people know this. It is not something I believe I should feel ashamed about, even as I struggle with deep shame about it. I tell the truth about it even though several people have leaped to judgment of me as soon as they heard.

(I see this freedom to judge those who struggle to have enough money as a collective societal ill. Being poor is equated with having a moral weakness. It is as if those who are poor did something to deserve being poor, and if they would simply make better choices they would be lifted from the depths of poverty in very short order. This has not been true in any aspect of my lived experience. Speaking as a white person with two masters degrees who is the daughter of relative wealth, if anyone should be able to lift herself out of disadvantage, it is me.  But so far, despite my best efforts, I have not. Does the fault lie purely in me? Perhaps it does, if luck and timing and the stacked-against-the-poor nature of this country are not taken into account as well.)

Do not judge how someone else spends their money.

Notice all the objections that come up when that line is drawn.

Here is a common situation.  Joe and Jane are a married couple. They pool their finances, and each gets to take an equal portion from the group finances for their personal hobbies and interests. Jane spends her portion on facials and manicures and fancy hair coloring. Joe spends his portion on model trains. Joe secretly judges Jane, thinking her vain and wasteful, wishing she would spend the money on better housekeeping tools or a gym membership. Jane secretly judges Joe for spending his money on a childish hobby when he could be bettering himself with courses or more stylish clothes or a grooming regime.

Discuss.

My thoughts? The judging these lovers are doing tell us about their own preferences and insecurities and longings and say nothing about what the other partner "should" be doing differently.  They are projections. They are absolutely not loving of the other one's autonomy or freedom. They come from some sense of a need to control the other one's resources. He does not get to judge what she does with her portion. She does not get to judge what he does with his either.  PERIOD.

Good counseling would help them discover and name the fears underlying the attempt to control the other's use of money. It would deliver them each back into the things they need to address within themselves and take them out of the other's business.

When I first learned that I needed to stop judging how others used their money, I felt uneasy, insecure, and angry. I felt like some of my power was being taken away.  But by now I am grateful to have gained an understanding of why I long to control other people's anything, and for much better skills in discovering where my agency does and does not lie. I feel MORE empowered and better informed, not less.

Should my beloved husband choose to spend money in a way with which I do not feel comfortable, I can express that I feel uncomfortable and name why (to the best of my ability). I OWN my discomfort and do not try to use my feelings to make him choose differently. I ask him to hear my struggle, and then support him in doing what is authentic to him. Several times lately, when he asked I have expressed my opinion only to have him choose what he originally wanted anyway. I felt GLAD. I do not want to manipulate him with my feelings or thoughts, and in all those cases, it was the right choice for him. When he did reconsider his choice, he was learning about himself, not pleasing me.  He does like to please me! That is why it is so important to make sure I don't try to manipulate him by exploiting that desire to please me. I could exercise some control that way.  It would be toxic if I did.

Before I learned this boundary, I felt it was my duty to judge others in certain contexts. As I saw it, my judgment served to help them make better choices, which they might not make without the societal pressure of my (and others) judgment.

During that time, a dear friend ended up on welfare.  I felt entitled to judge her for many reasons, including for keeping the family pets (their feeding and care cost money!) and for not being harsher with her children who threw away their packed school lunches. It felt like my duty to nose into her decisions and try to influence them.  That we are still friends today is a testament to her forgiving and patient nature. She expressed how my advice affected her, said a bit about her reality and the choice to keep her pets, and did not take any of my advice. She drew a firm boundary without judgment and with a clear expression of feeling hurt. It took me a while, but over time I realized with increasing mortification just how clueless and entitled my so-called "help" had been. Subsequently, life also saw fit to drop me down into the debt-carrying class. I have since had many experiences from the "poor" side of the fence that have continued to educate me about the hurtful and harmful lack of boundaries our culture has around money.

Is someone else's use of money our business?  If it isn't, why are we trying to control it by judging it?  We can examine someone else's use of money to learn about our own longings and desires and values. We don't get to tell someone else our opinion about it unless they ask. Whether they heed our opinion or not is not our business either. We must leave others alone and manage our own money by our best judgment. Remember, "Do unto others as you wish them to do to you." Do you like being micromanaged?

The very question of how we manage money individually and collectively speaks to our societal narrative about money and entitlement and what belongs to whom. It speaks to the group assumptions that are part of each country's collective storytelling regarding entitlement and belonging and worth.  Who is deserving? Who is undeserving? Why and why not?

That is another entire blog post.

Following are the other three entries in the series:
Health
Family of Origin
Thoughts and Feelings

Good Friday 2018

In the hero's journey, the hero can die.
The hero can give everything to stand for love and truth and compassion---to refuse to bully anyone into anything---to leave room for freedom and open-heartedness.

As I contemplate how much pain is involved when we face the death of all that is good and true; when the best of the best die in the name of freedom: for every single death of an innocent or a warrior or a prophet who stand for a better world and a better version of humankind;

I grieve all these things this day.

As I have no church home today, and must work to pay my bills, I offer this playlist to others like me, who still want to honor this day and all it represents.
I line them up with the seven last words of Christ.

• Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. Luke 23:34. ...

Father Forgive Them: Michael John Trotta

• Today you will be with me in paradise. Luke 23:43. ...

Hope: Jonathan Elias

• Behold your son: behold your mother. ...

Abwoon D'Bashmaya

• My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? ...

Jesus Remember Me: Taize

• I thirst. ...

Bliebet Heir: Taize

• It is finished. ...

Barber: Adagio for Strings

• Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.

Tenebrae: Westminster Chorus

We enter a time of darkness. The death of hope.

May we remember the promises of the renewal of life. May we remain strong in compassion.
One breath at a time. One hour at a time. One day at a time.

"Yeshua said to her, “I AM THE LIVING GOD, The Resurrection and The Life; whoever trusts in me, even if they die, they shall live.”

Freedom Manifesto

The following is the result of an assignment for my yoga certification. Publishing it was encouraged, so here it is:

Alison Moore’s Freedom Manifesto

My desire for my life going forward is curiosity, compassion and a belief in transformation through creativity and play. I desire this to be my underlying resting state.

FREEDOM comes when I feel that I have choices and agency---when I feel I can change things that don’t work, and improve conditions that are not optimal. In the yogic principle of the union of opposites, the balancing attitude that I desire to cultivate is the simple acceptance of “what is.” These two attitudes may seem opposite (acceptance of what is vs desire for change), and yet I believe a healthy, balanced union of these two will bring me the greatest joy and serenity going forward.

“Acceptance of what is” shows up in compassionate non-judgment of what my body is able to do each day. Whether I experience a “good” practice full of obvious progress and feelings of strength and sweetness, or I navigate a “bad” practice because my energy is low and my asanas appear regressed, I wish to be peacefully present to what is. I wish to carry into each practice the knowledge that every single practice matters, and that the way I treat myself in a practice is the measure of the success of the practice, not how far I could extend or contract in a given asana.

Now, when I see something about myself that I want to change, I desire to notice it with curiosity and serenity. I want to say, “Huh. Interesting!” I want to have the willingness to approach the area that needs work with compassion and optimism and a sense of possibility. Previously I approached it with shame and the fear of what everyone else “must” think of me. My impulse was to hide the shortcoming or failure as quickly as possible. I do not wish to operate from fear of judgment or shame or a desire to hide anymore.

I want to continue to develop PERSPECTIVE or a “long view” which will keep me serene in the face of new challenges. Each challenge in the past has been surmounted, no matter how insurmountable each seemed at the time. When I remember this, I can face new challenges with more curiosity and creativity, and less fearful projections of “certain failure” and dire outcomes. “I got through those things and I can get through this.”

In relationships, I desire to be as authentic and “whole” as possible in each moment. This means I desire to own every piece of my life, and to tell the truth about my experiences with compassion and honesty. “The truth” is never harsh or unkind. It is neutral. The harsh or unkind comes when I attach blame or judgment or shame.  A whole lot of my work to this point has been in becoming free of extensive inner self-abuse and fearful thinking.  As these decrease, new space for honesty, clarity and compassion opens up.

As a speaker and teacher, I desire to lead from my vulnerability. I believe that this makes a space for truthful vulnerability in others. I wish to create SAFE spaces, which invite radical honesty and compassion and self-ownership in students and clients. My dream is that I will invite to these qualities and teach about these qualities and model these qualities as naturally as breathing. The goal of this shared vulnerability and mutual respect is REST.

To rest from hiding. To rest from pretending. To rest from struggling. To be FREE.

What would Brene Brown do?

When I show up with compassion and authenticity and a long perspective, life becomes lighter and easier. I am more patient and laugh more easily.

Authenticity is my freedom.  May I remain open to continuing the work gently and steadily that I might ever move into greater and greater authenticity.

January 13, 2018

The Silent Christmas - 2017

Dear friends and family, readers and companions along the way, Dec 2017

Those who know me well know I am not usually speechless.

When family plans proved no longer viable, Sam’s eyes twinkled as he invited me to spend Christmas Day in Atlantic City “with all the other soulless horrors” (who are the sorts of people who would go to a casino for Christmas). 

But we have no local church in which we are active. We would be missing no special services. So off we went.

On the bright side, I was delighted to be somewhere relaxing with Sam; somewhere where others do the cooking and cleaning, where the room is consistently warm, and hot water is a guarantee (unlike our apartment). I looked forward to swimming in the pool, going on long walks, and to hitting the outlet stores with Sam.

I did not count on profound laryngitis.

On Christmas Eve my voice was kinda cute and croaky. By Christmas morning, it was MIA. I could not make a peep. So also, no swimming. No long walks in the sub-zero temperatures, or even inside, as my tired body fought the infection. I rested in bed as Sam hit the outlet stores.

Nevertheless, this Christmas was full of joys and delights and many funny moments.

Sam hums when he’s busy. He hums when he’s packing, or preparing, or just generally content.

After an overly crowded Christmas Eve bus ride to Harrah’s (I rode next to a Trump supporter and managed civil and friendly conversation for two hours---thanks Dylan Marron!) we arrived. 

Sam hummed as we both unpacked. I found places for my various things, still chatting with my busy husband and didn’t notice until I looked up, finished, that the darling man had strung Christmas lights around a picture. And on the coffee table was a tiny pine tree bolstered by a blue blanket with one red ball hanging near the top. He had even thrown in a tiny nutcracker.

I exclaimed with delight at my thoughtful and imaginative husband. How did he think of these things? I never would have thought to bring decorations. He loves surprising me, and surprise me he did.

Before we caught the bus, he surprised me with a Christmas stocking. He had made one for each of us. They started with Christmas “Crackers”---a British/Canadian tradition usually part of a place setting. I squealed with delight as I snapped mine open, and we enjoyed our silly jokes and tiny toys with bright paper hats on our heads. Then we each got a scratch card---clever.

Next came two surprise toy bags or “blind bags” where one knows the general category but not the specifics of the tiny toy inside.  Again, clever boy. I got a tiny Buckbeak (from Harry Potter) and a tiny…something strange from a cartoon he follows. He got two tiny strange things and was delighted!

When we exchanged our gifts, I noticed how great Sam is at saying things like, “Oh…look at that.” “Isn’t that nice?” “Isn’t that something?” and spending real time and attention on each gift. I don’t think I do that. Now I want to be much more mindful when opening gifts.

So on to Christmas at Harrah’s with all the soulless horrors.

I noticed that, while I had some nostalgia and some twinges of loss, I didn’t mind that we had no Christmas service to attend.

I noticed that I did spend some time judging the people around me. I made up stories about how shallow they all must be and then felt superior and “better-than.” Judging them probably distracted me from judging myself for being at a casino over Christmas. 

Judgmental habits need to find things to judge---and it is far more comfortable to focus on judging outward than to judge oneself.  (Or, I could stop judging at all.)

Besides, when I looked inward, I was at peace.  I didn’t have a reason to judge myself, which then released any need to judge others. Hey presto! What a lovely Christmas gift.

But it was HARD not being able to communicate. I started carrying a notebook and pen. I typed stuff into my phone and held it up for others to read. I even tried Googling simple sign language, (as if anybody around me would know what I was trying to say).

It was fascinating how quickly people treated me as if I were deaf, even when I typed that I had laryngitis.  One person, when I was trying to communicate what I needed said, “Oh, bless your heart!” and started writing things out for me to read too.  A bartender apologized, saying he had taken a term of sign language but had forgotten all he learned. (Assuming I knew sign language.)  Within minutes, shopkeepers, bathroom attendants, and waitresses would start whispering or gesticulating around me---because that is what I was doing? Sam himself often became quiet, and told me it was hard to remember to speak at regular volume around me.

Sam and I were in line for over an hour for a buffet next to another couple. I noticed how rarely they looked at me, but looked primarily at Sam, because I never spoke. I wondered if that is what it is like for the quiet ones in a couple. Does the quiet one feel less visible? It was a fascinating psychological exercise.

          

                                      ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄ ❄

Meanwhile, HOW ARE WE?  

We are well!  After giving up at Starbucks---the bullying was intolerable and showed no signs of improving---Alison left and worked hard at building her wedding ministry and clutter clearing businesses.  

Much research revealed that nothing short of a full return to school to re-do most of her courses would satisfy New York’s Counselling certification, (they do not recognize “Theology” courses as counseling courses) so that avenue was not an option. The advertising expenses for the weddings was not covering the income, so she kept submitting resumes all over the place with little to no success.

Finally, a friend noticed that Mood Fabrics was hiring, so Alison tweaked her resume (again!) to highlight all her sewing experience, and after some back and forth, was hired by Philip Sauma himself, possibly because Alison is a pastor, but also because she was willing to serve where needed.

Within a short amount of time Alison has been helping the densely packed and richly stocked store relocate products for better visibility, create systems to better support inventory management, and make the customer and employee experiences easier and more intuitive.  She is so grateful to be trusted with the implementation of small changes, and tickled beyond measure at the gratitude and warmth of her coworkers. 

“I love working at Mood Fabrics. It is crazy and busy, but my fellow employees are hard-working and kind. I enjoy the variety of nationalities and abilities and that the store feels like a big family.  The owners are kind and my coworkers to date are thoughtful, hard working, and well-intentioned.”

Sam remains at Penguin Random House, receiving another raise, so even the tight money issues may eventually resolve, given careful stewardship by us both.

He seems to like being married.

 

It is Dec 29^th and I still cannot speak. I guess my voice needed a LONG vacation.

But I have so much to say!

I meditated on incarnation and “showing up” as I journeyed through this silent Christmas. I lay and dozed in the light of Sam’s Christmas lights, and felt safe and warm and full of gratitude for my miraculous husband. I reflected on how being present with “what is,” is the core of mindfulness. Not resistance, not preference, not even attempting to change or control the narrative---just accepting and working with “what is” can bring remarkable serenity and greater efficacy in the face of suffering. This sort of “showing up” has been increasingly what has enabled me to notice the blessings in my life---which are “Emmanuel” or where God is present with me.

Thank you for being one of the blessings in our lives. Thank you for reading all the way through this letter! May your new year be rich in growth and depth and spiritual blessings, and may we meet again soon, face-to-face.  

Alison and Sam Moore 

aka AliSam

BUT WAIT!!!!  How could I forget to mention one of the most important events of all in 2017?!

The birth of a new family member---a daughter for Eden and Aaron, who arrived January 10.  Andrea Katherine was born at home 5 days early with Eden's sister, Jennie, on hand to love and support her arrival. Being a grandmother is amazing. I love that child more than I knew was possible. She is surrounded by loving and wise family. My only wish, that I did not live 500 miles away. I include two pictures, one from when she was five days old, and one from this autumn. 

All the rest about her is her parents' right to share or keep private. 

She is a miracle.

Previous Christmas letters can be found here:
http://alisonlongstaffmoore.blogspot.com/2016/12/alisams-2016.html

https://cliffsidechapel.com/Christmas2015.htm

Finding Sam was a miracle. If that could happen, anything can!